Pay It Forward!

One of the many things I have learned in life is how to be a little nicer, a little more humble. I know I have written a little bit about how I feel myself doing some self-growth. I have been going to church a little bit more and having self-encounters with Christ. And it’s not to say I’m better than you or anyone, but I do feel like I’m a better me! 

I’m not the richest person in the world, I’m not the prettiest or healthiest, or anything. I am included in your average Joe (in this case-Jane) category. I am no one special. One of the things I have learned is how to be a mustard seed. 

There is this expression that in little words, basically means plant yourself. Not literally of course, but take the knowledge that you have and share it. And if your seed gets implanted on one more person and they pass it on, you’ve done your job! Because it DOES take just one person to make a difference. PAY IT FORWARD! 

There was this one day about 2/3 months ago, that this man at the bus stop was asking for money. He asked for quarters, so to me, I assumed he meant he needed spare change for the bus. I didn’t have the 2 quarters he was asking for, but I did have a metrocard with at least $0.75 on it. 

ME: Did you need extra fare for the bus? (looking into my purse for the metrocard)

HIM: No, I was just gathering some quarters so I could have enough for a sandwich. 

ME: I don’t have spare change but I could buy it for you?

HIM: You don’t have to do that

ME: I know, but I want to.

HIM: Thank you, may God Bless your beautiful heart.

I ordered the sandwich for him and paid for it, and he shed a tear for me thanking me repeatedly. I went home like normal. I didn’t expect any praise any acknowledgement, nothing. To me it was the right thing to do and I was happy to share with whoever needed it, especially when I’ve been so blessed with all that I have. Why not share?

There was another event in where I went to do laundry and I accidentally took the bag of clean clothes that I was about to donate, down to the laundromat with me. The clothes had been up there for a while and I let it slip with the bags of clothes I had. So as I finished putting the clothes in the dryer I went to the deli right next door and asked

ME: Hey, do you know of anyone who needs BOYS clothes size 4T/5T?

DELI GUY: I don’t but let me ask the other guy (turns to ask)

LADY: Excuse me, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but are you selling the clothes? 

ME: No. I’m giving it away.

LADY: Would you mind? That’s my son’s size and they’re both outgrowing there clothes. 

ME: Yeah here. There washed and folded and in good condition. 

LADY: Thank you thank you. You just saved me so much money. Can I please buy you something?

ME: No that’s ok! Please take the clothes. IF anything doesn’t fit him just pass it along to someone who really needs them.

LADY: I insist please let me buy you something. You have such a beautiful heart. 

ME: I’ll take a bottle of water, thank you but you really don’t have to. 

I walked out the store with a bottle of water because she really wasn’t leaving until she gave me something. But again, I left without feeling anything. This was normal to me. Again, why shouldn’t I help out when I already have so much. Granted I’m not rich, but I’m not poor either. I’m not without my basic needs. It felt good to be able to give to someone else who needed it more than I did. 

Today, I think this one touched my heart a little more because I felt something, I felt a flutter in my heart for this guy. And I guess that’s where this blog comes from. I was walking back from doing grocery shopping, my son, my man and myself, and I had the (4) loaves of bread in my hand and we both see a man looking inside a garbage can clearly looking for food. My man said “Damn, I wish we had one of the lunchables that our son takes to school to give to him.” And I said, “I mean I know it’s not a lot but we can give him one of the loaves of bread right?” So my man gets his attention and asks him if he’s hungry and the man hides his face in embarrassment and says yes. I gave him one of the loaves and he began to cry and thank us again. As we were walking away you could see him cry and I went to our shopping cart and suggested to my man to give him one of the capris sun that we had just bought, especially since bread usually makes you dehydrated. We opened the box and gave him two. He didn’t say much but his tears said everything for him. I felt accomplished. This was the first time that I truly felt appreciated for something I did, and again I did it because we had it. I mean why not? I’m not any better than him, afterall we are both humans and we’ve all had our hard struggles right?

Talking about struggles, I had a bad day one day. We had no milk no eggs no bread no cereal no cold cuts, nothing in the fridge. We had asked the corner deli, since we go there a lot, if they could credit us some stuff and we’d pay them the following day when a little more money was coming our way. The guy was hesistant but said yes, since we ARE always in the store, and some guy that overheard the conversation said to me “Listen ma, don’t worry about it. Save your credits for another day, today I got you.” He wasn’t trying to ‘holla’ at me or anything, he went about his business and I kept asking him if it was ok. I ended up getting half a gallon of milk, half a pound of cheese, and bread. That $8 that he offered to pay for the essentials really helped a lot. My son had a school trip that day and at least I was able to take him to school with a grilled cheese sandwich and a container of chocolate milk. 

The point of this blog, was to express my gratiude. And to share, that everything you do, do it with purpose because it DOES come back around. God will always provide when you have a little bit of faith. I did not expect that guy to help us out at all. It was just a few things that I had every intention of paying for when I had the money, and he was my angel that gave me what he could. Just the way I see him as my angel, I’m sure that’s what the sandwich guy thought, and the single mother, and the homeless guy thought of me. I’m not anyone special. I am a humble girl from New York that struggles on a day to day basis but I have faith that thru this hard struggle of a life, God will always provide for me especially when I need it the most. 

Pay it Forward guys. Trust your heart that not everyone is bad, not everyone is out to get you, not everyone wants money to smoke or drink or hang out. Sometimes they really need it and if you have it, why not share it? Good things come to those who appreciate life and not just live it. 

Until Next Time

Vanesa

Life like a Movie

Don’t you just wish that life could be like a movie? That everything bad happens to you all at once and then a short 2 hours later, bada bing bada boom, everything is resolved and you are still alive and everything is back to normal. 

No one ever warns you about the, for lack of a better word, bull shit. Everything in life is just bull shit. The people you deal with, the things they do, the thought process they have. 

How can you do something and not think about the consequences, and not even think about the consequences but all the people that it affects. You cannot be that serious that you only care about yourself and no one else. Every mini battle always turns into a war, and wars take forever to end. 

The perfect example is of this current tragedy we are dealing with just 5 hours away from home. The bombings in Boston are crazy. When 9/11 first happened no one thought that it would hit home. No one believed that we would be such targets, and there we were, 10+ years later still at war. When does it end? Their leader was killed, but that doesn’t mean that this is the end. Now Boston, The kid was my age, well almost my age. Here is this 19 year old kid and his older brother, 26, and they’re doing something that people there age shouldn’t be. Why are you so angry with the world? What was done to you? I’m sorry! I’m sorry for the struggle you had to go through alone, and for the anger you hold in your heart. I’m sorry that no one reached out to you before it was too late. Now you have to spend the rest of your life with those deaths on your conscience, and while you may not feel it now, something in life is going to change you and make you understand the reality of the situation. 

You hear a lot on the news of shoot outs, run bys, kidnappings, drug deals, etc etc. And you never expect it to come home. These are all things that come from the magic box in the room. Whether you’re browsing through the channels or you just popped in a DVD, this does not happen in your own backyard. You never imagine that you would be shut in your own home forbidden to get out like those people in Massachusetts, in Watertown and Newtown. I could not begin to the anxiety these people might feel; the pain & the confusion! The things they lost, their innocence their idealism.  I wish there were words to make pain just go away, because those boys that did this, it all started with pain. The pain is somewhere in them and now one of them is 6ft under with no admission into the kingdom of God and with no remorse here on Earth, and the other one, on the run all alone.

Isn’t this the part of the movie where we fast forward it? Shouldn’t this movie be over already? This much pain is not shown in movies, how are we supposed to handle this?

By this time in the movie, they would have caught the bad guy including the shoot out but the city would be destroyed and everyone would go back on their merry way like nothing has ever happened.

Is it weird that I wake up every so often and look out the window, which says a lot since I don’t have a view from my window, and just want to know the conclusion.

Not even the Boston thing, more so of a personal aspect, when is MY movie going to end. What is the ending to my movie? Is everything going to be ok? Am I going to be successful, is my son going to be brilliant and still love me as a teenager? Will I ever get my dream wedding and my big family? Will I ever stop being so hurting from the anger? Will I still have my health, and my sanity? 

 

I just want to know the end of the movie, so that way I know that the 2 hours until the ending of the movie is really worth experiencing. 

Gay Marriages?

It seems just about right to send a little of my opinion somewhere. Everyone else is doing it and I’m beginning to get just a little fed up with all the hype about gay marriage. 

Last time I checked, wasn’t the word GAY, translated into HAPPY? This may be just me, and my opinion clearly isn’t going to change anything in society, but I need to vent. 

I am sick and tied of government trying to rule our lives. Wasn’t the whole point of being in America to be free? Freedom is what made us. We as Americans, have been through a lot. A lot of changes and a lot of evolution. We have ended the ways of slavery we have encouraged the ways of equality. What seems to be the issue here? We have a lot more issues behind us then ever before, and yet all anyone seems to be worried about is what individuals are doing in there individuals lives. Maybe the reason we don’t have JOBS is because kids keep failing and dropping out of school, therefore not paving the ground for the future. Therefore not providing the best jobs out there. But here is our government worrying about our weight, about who we choose to love. 

Here is what I choose to tell these people that really think they matter in our lives.Image

Fuck you government! 

 

What I choose to eat, morally and sexually, should be none of your business. Worry about schools, and security and safety for my kids. For OUR future for those that have not been corrupted yet? 

The point of marriage is to be joined in holy matronmony to the person that you love. I do agree that some people are abusing the privilege to get married just because they can, while others who are begging to be able to spend there life with the person they love, cannot do so. 

There is a reason why most religions require you to take months worth of classes prior to getting married, and its simply so you learn that life is not all about you but about the both of you. That is not something that comes off as easy as just moving in with them. The idea of a divorce without TRYING to make the marriage work, should be forbidden. 

I am a girl in love. I am in love with an amazing man who will do anything for me and vice versa. I understand him and he understands me and one day, with God on our side, we will hopefully get married. If he is not the person I marry then at least we will make peace with it, but this is a decision that me and him have made ourselves. IF he was a she and I was in love with a woman, I would love the opportunity to make that decision myself as well. 

I believe that marriage should be made with two people who are devoted to each other in EVERY ASPECT of the word. They should be connected spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally and morally. No person should get married to anyone unless they have all. You will not, cannot grow as individuals unless there is a partner with you growing with you. If your partner holds you back, you hold yourself back too. Whether your partner is a male or female, love sees no color. It is your heart that feels it. Therefore, I support GAY marriage because I will always stand by the side that makes you HAPPY!! 

A marriage, as long as it’s a HAPPY marriage, will always have my support. 

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With lots of Love and Blessings

Vanesa❤

 

Good Mom Vs. Bad Mom

 

I’ve always tried to be the best mom I knew how to be, and that says a lot because I didn’t know how to be a mom. Becoming a mother does not come with a manual that will teach you how to excel in everything. Part of being human is dealing with obstacles on a daily basis and learning from it all. Afterall if you do not learn anything, than what’t the point really? 

So I haven’t been working and it’s been driving me crazy staying at home and becoming a stay at home mom. I’ve always been on the move, always in and out. But it has really had me thinking and growing spiritually on the inside. I stay home, do my housely duties pick up my son from school and go straight into mom mode. We do and review homework, we play around, and then I cook dinner. Sometimes he helps me. I rarely go out to eat or order food in because I have actually grown to love cooking. I was never the best cook, I will never go to Top Chef or Hell’s Kitchen, but I love to cook. It gives me a moment to relax and enjoy who I’m cooking for. My boyfriend is my guinea pig because even if my food sucks, which it has at some points, he will eat it. He’ll tell me what it needs or what I was missing or put too much of on, for future references, and it really helps. Sometimes I feel like Julia Child, who would just go into the kitchen and start mixing ingredients together in order to make something delicious and sometimes it was an epic fail, or a real success. 

Staying at home has really allowed me to see life on a budget. When we do go out, it’s usually for free or discounted events. You will never see me pay full price for anything, even for my boyfriend’s birthday, which just passed, I was couponing away. I never believed that money is what makes happiness, I do not believe that spending $100/1000 in one night will make it the best night ever. 

It has been a while since I last blogged and I’ve been feeling it. My dreams have been words lately. I’ve asked myself what it all means, but when I would look at the words they were adjectives, verbs, nouns. They were words that I would normally use in my blogs or when I would write and I realized through my dreams how much I missed writing. I have all this time now, why not be productive and not lose myself?

I have lost myself before and I didn’t know it, but I am on the path to finding myself now. A few blogs ago (I think) I wrote that I was getting more in touch with my spiritually again. I am a proud catholic, not a catholic of convenience (Easter/Christmas) but I’ve been holding myself back from learning more about MY Christ for stupid reasons. 

Most church groups meet on weekdays, and I use my son as an excuse because I don’t want him to stay out late. Sometimes it’s ok, but ALL THE TIME? I don’t know how I feel about that. I titled my blog Good Mom Vs. Bad Mom because sometimes I feel like a bad mom. When I have nothing to do except play house, my so goes to sleep at 8/9 o’clock every night. No problems. But when I do one of MY events, he goes to sleep at 10/11 o’clock. 

The last time I had walked into THIS particular church was when I was attending a funeral/wake for a special person in the Catholic community. I had never had the pleasure of meeting him, but I am getting to know of him through all the good people he has touched spiritually and emotionally. I walked into the church and it felt weird. It felt empty. It was a full house and yet I still felt empty and disconnected. But here I see all these people praising and jumping for joy. And here is my 5 year old son, my right hand man, my little shadow, tittering tattering away behind me. I look around and realize that the only reason it feels weird was because the last time I was here, was not on a happy moment and here everyone was so happy. Was it ok for me to be happy with them? That night I felt so special and warm and open and right! But I made it home close to 11 o’clock at night knowing that my son had to go to school tomorrow in the morning. I was joking around saying, “If people see me, they will either think I’m a good mom or a bad mom, because no matter where I go or what time it is my son is always a few short steps in back of me.” And it does have me thinking. 

Am I a good mom for taking him everywhere with me? Or am I a bad mom because I take him everywhere with me with no regard to his schedule for the following day? 

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This is a horrible way to end this blog, but I just can’t write anymore. The confusion inside me weird. Because I want to believe that I’m a good mom because I’m exposing my son to things I never got exposed to as a child, I am giving my son a chance to learn and embrace everything and everyone around him, but still, it seems selfish sometimes. I know he appreciates the moments we have together, because I do as well, but a child of 5 should be getting 10-12 hours of sleep right? Am I ruining his functionality for the following day by wanting my son to see that there is more to life than just school and videogames? 

 

Until The Next Rant

Vanesa❤

My 4 foot Shadow

I must either be the best mom in the world or the worst. Everywhere I go, I have a 4 foot pigment impaired shadow following me around. I go to movies, or to hang out with friends, or to church or even just to the bathroom, and there is my shadow. My baby boy. Well my not so baby anymore. 

I am finally learning how to let go of him. I am starting to realize that my baby is indeed a big boy. He does everything without me and its a heartbreak but relief at the same time. MY birthday just passed and all I think about is having another baby. All my friends are having babies either for the first time or the second time. They’re all getting married and living happily ever after or on there way to the happily ever after and I’m here. 

I have an amazing man to stand by my side and an amazing little boy to stand right next to us. They always say the more you hang out with someone the more they become you. And my son has turned into my boyfriend in a big way. My son will no longer deny that my boyfriend is his father. When they ask “Where’s your dad?” He’ll point and say “He’s right there!” He gets jealous when his step-dad is getting attention from someone other than him, and he looks up to him more than anything. 

The best decision I have ever made in my life was having my little walking and talking and shadow following me around everywhere and anywhere. And even more so, the amazing man he choose to be his new dad. I’m glad that I was able to make a smart choice about something in my life. 

Nadyne Harts No More

I haven’t written in a long ass time. There have been many reasons for it. The main reason was because I didn’t want people in my life anymore. I was tired of people reading my blogs hoping to get some sort of information out of it, that eventually I just gave up.

Almost 2 years later, my life has changed so much. My son is 4 years old and is starting prek which is crazy. I don’t feel old enough to have a kid going to school. He went to day care, head start, but those were programs preparing him for school, and now here he is, my big boy, starting school in a few days. The funny thing is that I look at him, and see the boy i used to carry, the boy who needed me for everything. I reflect on the last 4 years of my life, and wish i had him back then, with the knowledge and wisdom that i have now. But either way, my son is amazing. He is the true love of my life and no one can replace that love for him. I just can’t believe he’s getting so big.

2 years ago, i remember writing my blog about my older sister giving birth to my niece. We just celebrated her birthday and its crazy how big she is. Its crazy how much time has passed since she was in my sister’s belly. Whenever she sees me, she runs up to me and waves, hi Tia, she’ll tell me. I ask for a kiss and she gives me her forehead, as if this is the designated area permitted for kisses.

Oh and seeing her and my son together? Absolutely magical. We’ve been going to alot of family events where my other cousins see the two of them together. My niece? She’s a fiesty one. She’s always beating up on the other kids. Its cute! It actually makes me smile because our kids are so much like us that all of us have been going down memory lane. Retelling the stories that we had when we were kids. The fights we got into. The memories we shared, especially of us in El Salvador.

I can truly sit here writing this, and tell you, that the last 2 years of my life have truly been the journey.

I feel the turning point for me is always when i met my father’s side of the family. I’ve gotten closer to my own family, closer to my dad and brother. I’ve made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I’ve rediscovered myself in ways that should’ve happened before i turned 21.

My life has not been perfect, i do not lead a perfect life, but the people in my life have made me believe i lead a perfect life.

Getting closer to my family is something i definitely have to give my boyfriend credit to. Yes, in the last 2 years i have found a boyfriend who i am completely and utterly in love with. Being with him puts some justifications in my life, because i see things now that i didn’t see before. I have been with him for over a year now, and they always say the first year is the hardest right? We have been up and down with each other, but even being down, i know we can always bring ourselves up again. He’s an amazing role model for my son. My son adores, respects, admires and loves him like he would his own father. And I have learned to accept another man in my life. I have learned the true meaning of love, the true meaning of being IN love.

Me & my son’s father? He isn’t even worth a paragraph in my life, but he’s there. On my own terms,i have always promised myself that i would make the effort to allow my son to have a father figure in his life. I am fortunate enough that he currently has two male figures who both love him. But my son’s father is not my first choice. It goes back to what i said earlier, about me wishing that i had my son with the knowledge that i have now. Had i known his father was going to turn out to be nothing of importance in anyone’s life including his own, than i wouldn’t of wasted my time. But just like everyone else he’s ever encountered, he manipulated me into believing he was better than all the rest. Do i love him? Do i ever think about me and him being together again? Does that possibly exist? Did i ever really love him? The answer to all of the above is not a positive answer. After being with my boyfriend now, after having had dated a little bit after my break up, i cannot sit here and tell you i was ever in love. There is no way in hell, what i felt, what we had, was love. Maybe my son will read this one day and be mad at me for never having loved his father, for not giving his father any form of respect or compassion, but truthfully? At 4 years old, my son knows and understand why me and his father don’t get along. We put up no form of a front, we say the few words we need to and move on with our day.

Let the record be stated, i have no regrets in life, my only regret is not being true to myself and losing out on some of the best friends i could’ve ever had. My only regret was living with a man THAT disgusting and especially for introducing him to my friends and family.and for those that he hurt, i apologize for not knowing better. For those he screwed over, I’m sorry i didn’t stop it and encouraged it. I really am!

I am so embarrassed by his actions that i refuse to acknowledge his name. I want to tell you all something you didn’t know about Harts Ortiz, and maybe its not a big deal for you but it is for me. MY son is not named after him. HE named himself that shortly after MY son was born. He always told people it was the other way around, but those that know me, know i would have never agreed to my son being named after anyone. Just in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t carry the name Harts for him, i do it for my son because i have never been prouder of him. And i just want the world to know that Harts Ortiz, even with his name and the origin of it, is a liar. Test my theory, ask him yourself. Ask him what his name was before Harts, i have 2 names that i remember, and no deadbeat or assface is not one of those.

But God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle right? He put that man in my life so i know how to appreciate and love in the future. I know that i want my son to be nothing like him, therefore making my job extra hard to act like mom and dad, but for my son? Its worth it. I know what i want in my man, and my man now, is more than i could have ever asked for. I never knew love felt this way. I hope that when I’m reading this again in 20 years, he would be by my side laughing with me and holding me in that way he does that hypnotizes me against the world. I learned the true value of having friends and family. I never realized how alone i was before. How me against the world i was. I was 22, why did I think the world was against me? Everything happens for a reason, one day we all find out what it was for.

5 years ago i was pregnant and i am just now starting to unravel the map called my life. Everything is slowly but surely falling into place, and i pray that i continue to find the meaning. I understand now that my bitterness was a way to keep myself closed off. I was on a relationship when i was 17 years old. I knew nothing about life about love. He never allowed me the chance to grow into my own woman, and now that i am, I’m loving and appreciating life more.

Until Next Time,

Hopefully not too soon but not to far away
Vanesa

The Help!

Today I wad asked, between the top nominee of movies of the year, which movie would reference your life?

There were a few movie titles, but I haven’t watched them all, some I did, but not all. And the movie I choose was “The Help”

The Help was based on the era were slavery was enforced. Where the only job a colored person found wad to be a maid. They would barely get paid the minimum and they were expected to do everything with no questions. This was also during the era where a female who wanted a career instead of a husband was thought of as weird. In this story, a white  woman, wanted to be a journalist but she wanted to write about something meaningful, something memorable. She finally got the opportunity when she decided that she wanted to write a book about life “in the life of the maid.” During this time, this was considered a big scandal, because blacks weren’t allowed to have opinions, let alone speak to a white person out of term, especially about other white folks.

At the end of the movie, this book became a best seller, because you finally got to understand what the other side went through. You were able to see that not everything was as black and white as people made it to seem, but it was in fact, a community of people with secrets. As a viewer, you learn to sympathsize with the characters and you remember to put your life in their shoes. You realize that not everything is as simple as it seems, but that it is much more complicated than that.

Yes I write, but if given the opportunity to tell my entire story without the worry of censoring because of my audience, I think a lot more people would understand my life more instead of being soquick to judge. I expressed in one of my previous blogs, that the girl I was when I was 16 has disappeared. That’s not the girl I am anymore, but because that is all people knew me as, that’s all they choose to believe I am. I think if a random white woman decided to write a story about the single mom with a fucked up past, and they see the woman that I have transformed into noe, not that people would sympathsize but people would finally get to understand me. They would finally understand the choices I make and the logic behind them. Granted some may not agree with them, but at least they will understand as opposed to being turfiest to judge me.

I know one of the things I always get judged on is my parenting skills. I know people doubt my ability to be a parent but you know what? Nobody is perfect, and at least I’m trying. I try to be their for my son all the tine, and to show him the right way. I try to teach my son right from wrong, and I also try to be a good role model, somebody that he can look up to and not be embarrassed to call his mother. I know I’m not perfect, but I try to pretend to be for his sake. If there was a book written about me, hopefully people would understand why i make the decisions I do, because my son always confess first, even though it may not stern like it to the naked eye, but he does!

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