I’ve always tried to be the best mom I knew how to be, and that says a lot because I didn’t know how to be a mom. Becoming a mother does not come with a manual that will teach you how to excel in everything. Part of being human is dealing with obstacles on a daily basis and learning from it all. Afterall if you do not learn anything, than what’t the point really? 

So I haven’t been working and it’s been driving me crazy staying at home and becoming a stay at home mom. I’ve always been on the move, always in and out. But it has really had me thinking and growing spiritually on the inside. I stay home, do my housely duties pick up my son from school and go straight into mom mode. We do and review homework, we play around, and then I cook dinner. Sometimes he helps me. I rarely go out to eat or order food in because I have actually grown to love cooking. I was never the best cook, I will never go to Top Chef or Hell’s Kitchen, but I love to cook. It gives me a moment to relax and enjoy who I’m cooking for. My boyfriend is my guinea pig because even if my food sucks, which it has at some points, he will eat it. He’ll tell me what it needs or what I was missing or put too much of on, for future references, and it really helps. Sometimes I feel like Julia Child, who would just go into the kitchen and start mixing ingredients together in order to make something delicious and sometimes it was an epic fail, or a real success. 

Staying at home has really allowed me to see life on a budget. When we do go out, it’s usually for free or discounted events. You will never see me pay full price for anything, even for my boyfriend’s birthday, which just passed, I was couponing away. I never believed that money is what makes happiness, I do not believe that spending $100/1000 in one night will make it the best night ever. 

It has been a while since I last blogged and I’ve been feeling it. My dreams have been words lately. I’ve asked myself what it all means, but when I would look at the words they were adjectives, verbs, nouns. They were words that I would normally use in my blogs or when I would write and I realized through my dreams how much I missed writing. I have all this time now, why not be productive and not lose myself?

I have lost myself before and I didn’t know it, but I am on the path to finding myself now. A few blogs ago (I think) I wrote that I was getting more in touch with my spiritually again. I am a proud catholic, not a catholic of convenience (Easter/Christmas) but I’ve been holding myself back from learning more about MY Christ for stupid reasons. 

Most church groups meet on weekdays, and I use my son as an excuse because I don’t want him to stay out late. Sometimes it’s ok, but ALL THE TIME? I don’t know how I feel about that. I titled my blog Good Mom Vs. Bad Mom because sometimes I feel like a bad mom. When I have nothing to do except play house, my so goes to sleep at 8/9 o’clock every night. No problems. But when I do one of MY events, he goes to sleep at 10/11 o’clock. 

The last time I had walked into THIS particular church was when I was attending a funeral/wake for a special person in the Catholic community. I had never had the pleasure of meeting him, but I am getting to know of him through all the good people he has touched spiritually and emotionally. I walked into the church and it felt weird. It felt empty. It was a full house and yet I still felt empty and disconnected. But here I see all these people praising and jumping for joy. And here is my 5 year old son, my right hand man, my little shadow, tittering tattering away behind me. I look around and realize that the only reason it feels weird was because the last time I was here, was not on a happy moment and here everyone was so happy. Was it ok for me to be happy with them? That night I felt so special and warm and open and right! But I made it home close to 11 o’clock at night knowing that my son had to go to school tomorrow in the morning. I was joking around saying, “If people see me, they will either think I’m a good mom or a bad mom, because no matter where I go or what time it is my son is always a few short steps in back of me.” And it does have me thinking. 

Am I a good mom for taking him everywhere with me? Or am I a bad mom because I take him everywhere with me with no regard to his schedule for the following day? 

Image

 

This is a horrible way to end this blog, but I just can’t write anymore. The confusion inside me weird. Because I want to believe that I’m a good mom because I’m exposing my son to things I never got exposed to as a child, I am giving my son a chance to learn and embrace everything and everyone around him, but still, it seems selfish sometimes. I know he appreciates the moments we have together, because I do as well, but a child of 5 should be getting 10-12 hours of sleep right? Am I ruining his functionality for the following day by wanting my son to see that there is more to life than just school and videogames? 

 

Until The Next Rant

Vanesa ❤

Advertisements