Posts tagged ‘father’

Nadyne Harts No More

I haven’t written in a long ass time. There have been many reasons for it. The main reason was because I didn’t want people in my life anymore. I was tired of people reading my blogs hoping to get some sort of information out of it, that eventually I just gave up.

Almost 2 years later, my life has changed so much. My son is 4 years old and is starting prek which is crazy. I don’t feel old enough to have a kid going to school. He went to day care, head start, but those were programs preparing him for school, and now here he is, my big boy, starting school in a few days. The funny thing is that I look at him, and see the boy i used to carry, the boy who needed me for everything. I reflect on the last 4 years of my life, and wish i had him back then, with the knowledge and wisdom that i have now. But either way, my son is amazing. He is the true love of my life and no one can replace that love for him. I just can’t believe he’s getting so big.

2 years ago, i remember writing my blog about my older sister giving birth to my niece. We just celebrated her birthday and its crazy how big she is. Its crazy how much time has passed since she was in my sister’s belly. Whenever she sees me, she runs up to me and waves, hi Tia, she’ll tell me. I ask for a kiss and she gives me her forehead, as if this is the designated area permitted for kisses.

Oh and seeing her and my son together? Absolutely magical. We’ve been going to alot of family events where my other cousins see the two of them together. My niece? She’s a fiesty one. She’s always beating up on the other kids. Its cute! It actually makes me smile because our kids are so much like us that all of us have been going down memory lane. Retelling the stories that we had when we were kids. The fights we got into. The memories we shared, especially of us in El Salvador.

I can truly sit here writing this, and tell you, that the last 2 years of my life have truly been the journey.

I feel the turning point for me is always when i met my father’s side of the family. I’ve gotten closer to my own family, closer to my dad and brother. I’ve made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I’ve rediscovered myself in ways that should’ve happened before i turned 21.

My life has not been perfect, i do not lead a perfect life, but the people in my life have made me believe i lead a perfect life.

Getting closer to my family is something i definitely have to give my boyfriend credit to. Yes, in the last 2 years i have found a boyfriend who i am completely and utterly in love with. Being with him puts some justifications in my life, because i see things now that i didn’t see before. I have been with him for over a year now, and they always say the first year is the hardest right? We have been up and down with each other, but even being down, i know we can always bring ourselves up again. He’s an amazing role model for my son. My son adores, respects, admires and loves him like he would his own father. And I have learned to accept another man in my life. I have learned the true meaning of love, the true meaning of being IN love.

Me & my son’s father? He isn’t even worth a paragraph in my life, but he’s there. On my own terms,i have always promised myself that i would make the effort to allow my son to have a father figure in his life. I am fortunate enough that he currently has two male figures who both love him. But my son’s father is not my first choice. It goes back to what i said earlier, about me wishing that i had my son with the knowledge that i have now. Had i known his father was going to turn out to be nothing of importance in anyone’s life including his own, than i wouldn’t of wasted my time. But just like everyone else he’s ever encountered, he manipulated me into believing he was better than all the rest. Do i love him? Do i ever think about me and him being together again? Does that possibly exist? Did i ever really love him? The answer to all of the above is not a positive answer. After being with my boyfriend now, after having had dated a little bit after my break up, i cannot sit here and tell you i was ever in love. There is no way in hell, what i felt, what we had, was love. Maybe my son will read this one day and be mad at me for never having loved his father, for not giving his father any form of respect or compassion, but truthfully? At 4 years old, my son knows and understand why me and his father don’t get along. We put up no form of a front, we say the few words we need to and move on with our day.

Let the record be stated, i have no regrets in life, my only regret is not being true to myself and losing out on some of the best friends i could’ve ever had. My only regret was living with a man THAT disgusting and especially for introducing him to my friends and family.and for those that he hurt, i apologize for not knowing better. For those he screwed over, I’m sorry i didn’t stop it and encouraged it. I really am!

I am so embarrassed by his actions that i refuse to acknowledge his name. I want to tell you all something you didn’t know about Harts Ortiz, and maybe its not a big deal for you but it is for me. MY son is not named after him. HE named himself that shortly after MY son was born. He always told people it was the other way around, but those that know me, know i would have never agreed to my son being named after anyone. Just in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t carry the name Harts for him, i do it for my son because i have never been prouder of him. And i just want the world to know that Harts Ortiz, even with his name and the origin of it, is a liar. Test my theory, ask him yourself. Ask him what his name was before Harts, i have 2 names that i remember, and no deadbeat or assface is not one of those.

But God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle right? He put that man in my life so i know how to appreciate and love in the future. I know that i want my son to be nothing like him, therefore making my job extra hard to act like mom and dad, but for my son? Its worth it. I know what i want in my man, and my man now, is more than i could have ever asked for. I never knew love felt this way. I hope that when I’m reading this again in 20 years, he would be by my side laughing with me and holding me in that way he does that hypnotizes me against the world. I learned the true value of having friends and family. I never realized how alone i was before. How me against the world i was. I was 22, why did I think the world was against me? Everything happens for a reason, one day we all find out what it was for.

5 years ago i was pregnant and i am just now starting to unravel the map called my life. Everything is slowly but surely falling into place, and i pray that i continue to find the meaning. I understand now that my bitterness was a way to keep myself closed off. I was on a relationship when i was 17 years old. I knew nothing about life about love. He never allowed me the chance to grow into my own woman, and now that i am, I’m loving and appreciating life more.

Until Next Time,

Hopefully not too soon but not to far away
Vanesa

The Perfect Man

Many women wonder when the perfect guy is going to come to them. They wonder why it seems that all their friends have found happiness and they’re the only ones left to seek their Prince Charming.
But what does the “perfect man” consist of??
Us women, are complicated individuals. We can never make up our minds about anything. What I say today about my idea of the perfect may not be what I mean tomorrow, or the day after, or in a week, not even a month from now.

 

 

My Perfect Man

  • He must be taller than me in heels
  • He must have at least one child (so he understands me when I can’t “hang out” because it is my weekend with my son)
  • He must have a good job, that gives him no more than 40 hours because I want some “us” time
  • He must be latino
  • He must be OLDER than me (by more than a month)
  • He must have the perfect skin tone
  • He must treat me like I am HIS queen, so that I can treat him like he is MY king
  • He must get along with his family (not a momma’s boy, but a man who can call his mom just to say hi)
  • He must be a good sexual partner (after at least a month of dating exclusively)
  • If he is NOT believe in a religion, than respect my views of religion
  • Must respect my political views
  • Even though he will probably never meet my son until we are well into the relationship, he has to get along with kids. I will most likely take him to a place where I know kids will be, to see how he acts around them.
  • He cannot be cheap. Not saying I’m a gold digger, I don’t mind the occasional dates to McDonald’s or the Halal guy right outside, but going out every once in a while is always good.
  • He has to like cuddling and staying indoors and watching movies
  • He cannot get jealous if I’m going out with my girls (even though a little jealously is cute)
Ok, so you get the point. This is just MY list. Every woman’s list is much different, but that doesn’t mean to say we don’t know what we want. Just because we know what we want doesn’t mean that we’ll get it though. I can search high and low and I will never find a man who has all these qualities. But that’s not to say that there isn’t a man out there that doesn’t deserve my heart.
I must be the luckiest girl on the planet because I have been fortunately enough to find my “perfect man”
While he may not contain the qualities I want from my “typical” man, he is the one that has stolen my heart.

 

The Man For Me

  • He tells me he loves me every chance he gets
  • He loves to cuddle
  • He’ll watch whatever chick flick I want to watch, with occasionally watching his shows as well
  • He doesn’t chose sports over me
  • He kisses me every time, without me asking
  • He’ll call me when we’re not together, just to tell me he misses me
  • Whenever I’m happy, he’s happy
  • Whenever I’m sad he’s trying his best to make me happy
  • My family loves him
  • He understands why I go to church
  • He needs me just as much as I need him
  • He is extremely cute
  • He’s latino
  • He has an awesome personality
  • When we go on dates, everyone stares at him, but I know that at the end of the day, he’s coming home with me
  • He doesn’t have wandering eyes
  • I can hold any type of conversation with him
  • I treat him like he is my king and he treats me like I am his queen
  • He has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen
  • I know that one day he’ll be taller than me
  • He calls me mommy/mami
I have been enjoying my single life, and while sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again, I look at my life, and all those in it, and I realize that YES I WILL BE HAPPY. No one guy can define my happiness just because I want a guy. But the only man who matters has been in my life for over 3 years. He will worry about me just as much as I worry about him. And I know that he’ll never cheat on me, or deceive me, or leave me for another woman (at least until he finds out that girls make him ‘happy’) my baby boy will ALWAYS be my baby boy. Whether is he 3 or 13 or 30, he will always be the man who changed my life, he will always be the one that stole my heart, he will always be mine.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

Family Portrait

“Momma please stop cryin, I can’t stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin’ me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you
said”

A song I grew up loving. I felt some sort of connection. I always pictured this is how life was before my dad left my family. Of course I was too young to realize it. Little did I know that this song would be about me one day and that my son would be dedicating the song to me. Well not so much in those words, but just keep reading and you’ll see.

“You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done
my family ”

It seems that whatever “perfect image” me and my husband have portrayed to the world, is finally coming down to bite us in the butt. Lately it seems that we fight about everything, everyone, and every aspect inbetween it all. I’m too bitchy for his taste, he’s too careless for mine. Its the same argument day in and day out. The glue holding us together?? Our son.

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave “

We try, on a daily basis to work it out. To talk, to figure this out. But everyday with the same arguments, the same resolutions come. We would “try” to work it out. Come tomorrow, our “trying” went right out the window and we would “try” again. Just to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

“Daddy please stop yellin, I can’t stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too “

My husband and I have always been a good team. We always “worked thing out.” We always communicated. We never went to sleep angry. Everything was as perfect as you can expect us to be. Of course we always had our issues, but we always managed. This last time just seemed to be the icing on the cake. I fucked up bad! And it seems like there is no room for repairment. But we’re “trying.”

I went karaoke for my cousin’s birthday, and we sang “Family Portrait” and I teared a little, because I was picturing my son singing this song to me the way I often sang it to my father. I could never forgive myself for my son seeing us always fighting. We need to figure something out before it’s too late.

“I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have
no choice, no way
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I’ve seen
I don’t want love to destroy me like it did my family”

I remember when I ran away from home. I was 15 years old, and I hated the world. It was me against the world. My mother favored my sister, my aunt favored her daughter, my grandparents favored my cousin, I was the “bad-ass” of the family. Anything wrong was my fault. And I think to myself, what am I going to do when my son runs away? I often put blame on the fact that my father was never around to love me. It was his fault that I was the odd man out. So I think, if I don’t reconcile with my husband, is my son going to hate me for breaking up our small family? Especially since the start of the constant bickering,……was my fault?

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t leave”

When I looked at my parent’s separation filing and there final divorce papers, it was shortly after my birth, so of course I always felt that it was my fault. It was my fault because I was a girl not the boy that he always longed for. They didn’t want me. They were 20 with 1 child and another on the way, any man would run from there. I can’t allow my son to think he’s the reason we’re not working anything out. I’m the one to blame. Me and my husband have our issues, not to be included with that of our son. We both love him unconditionally, but having experienced this song personally, really hits home when I think of the numerous problems me and my husband have.

“In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, let’s act like it comes
naturally
I don’t wanna have to split the holidays
I don’t want two addresses
I don’t want a step-brother anyways
And I don’t want my mom to have to change her
last name

My husband joked that it would be awesome for our son to experience 2 everythings, especially since me and him only had one of everything, since we were both raised by single mothers. But there’s so much to factor. How selfish would it be if we didn’t even TRY to work it out and have our son battle it out between two different households, not including time with the 2 sets of grandparents.

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, act like it goes naturally”

All 3 of us, pose for cameras and act “perfect” but we’re far from it. The mutual love that we share for our son is never going to go away, but we can’t keep pretending that everything is ok.

I decided to write a blog that was a little different, a little more personal than I’m used to, because this “perfect image” that people have of us, is really cramming our style. When we tell mutual friends that we’re having problems they find it so unbelievable. After all, in the eyes of the public, we’re protrayed in one way. Behind closed doors, we’re battling to try and make this relationship work.

I always promised myself that I would not stay in a relationship just for the sake of the kids, I’ve watched enough TV and movies, to know that it doesn’t work. Most times kids use it against you either way and you end up failing because they use it as your weakness. And by all means, I’m not staying in here for my son, but he plays a small role in it.

I love my husband, and when I think of the days that we fell in love, the days in where we got along, and the battles that we have both dealt with in our personal lives (me with my father and him with his health conditions–to be discussed in a later blog) and the struggles we’ve had together (the fire) it all seems worth fighting for in the end. But for right now, like many relationships, we’re not perfect, just living each day one by one.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

A Father is a Father When,….

Have u ever seen one of those guys in the street with a diaper bag on his shoulder, & a 4 year old kid that is crying, and here he is, trying to comfort the child by hugging and kissing him and telling him that everything is going to be ok??

These are the guys that went on Maury to prove that they are NOT the father

of this baby because there baby mom’s is a whore. And then at the end of the show, Mauryopens his envelope and says “John Doe, in the case of 3 year old Jane Doe, you ARE the father” and then this is the part where you enter the dramatic “Told you so”

How can I tell??

A real father, one that is around on a regular basis, would not be hugging and kissing his child. He would very nicely look at him ask him what’s wrong, the child would say he wants candy, daddy would say no, child would throw a tantrum, daddy gets back down and whispers something in child’s ear, child then starts whimpering and stomping but continues to walk holding daddy’s. What did daddy say? Daddy told him, “You better stop crying, or else you’ll see what happens when we get home.” Oh does this child KNOW what happens at home. Child’s father on the other hand, would nurture and give in and give child the candy? Why? Because father thinks that this one piece of candy will fix him not being around the past 3 years of it’s life. And children are so simple. This piece of candy did do just that. For the next 15 minutes at least.

A real father, goes to toy store randomly to pick something up for his kids becausethey deserve it. He knows WHAT they like, WHAT they want, and most of all, WHAT won’t annoy him when he wants a moment to kick back and watch 5 minutes of the game without being interrupted. A Child’s father, goes online and tries to buy these big, annoying, expensive gifts. But before doing so, they walk into the toy store, they look around so completely lost, the sales person working on commission sees this as a big deal and runs over, “hi sir, how can I help you?” “Uhmmm, I’m buying a toy for my son.” “oh well you’ve come to the right place, how old is your son.” “He’s (thinks) this big (gesturing hand to around hip).”
The sales person smiles, nods, and blinks dollar signs. And that’s how his kid, got a $500 hot wheel!

A real father, plans bbq and parties for any and all occasions. A good party is wherethe kids have there fun, and the adults aren’t annoyed by “daddy daddy look what I can do.” A child’s father, would arrive at a party late with a stuff teddy under his arm and expects the child to run to him and praise him for the little teddy bear!

A real father, appreciates sleep but even more, when his son wakes him up with cereal, bacon, eggs, pancakes, orange juice and coffee all put into one bowl. A real father appreciates the effort his son just put into trying to create a meal for him.  A child’s father, would treat his kid to McDonald’s and get him TWO toys instead of just one like all the average kids, and expect this to be the greatest relationship of all time.
And for all you single ladies, that think that a man with a child is

cute, look @ how he’s dressed. Is he looking so fine that you can’t turn him down, meanwhile his kid is right next to him eating a melted ice cream vanialla cone with sprinkles? Or look at how he treats him. Is it with love, compassion, and patience??? Then this is not the man for you. He’s not even there for his own son, he barely knows his son, there’s no way he can be there for you.

Now, if you see a sexy man, wearing jeans and a button down and he looks sexy as fuck, and there’s a 4 year old attached to his hip, and an ice cream stain on his shirt,with hand santizer on his key chain, looking annoyed at the fact that he even has to be there but is happy when his kid has made a new friend,…that is the man for you.

A real father puts his kids and their happiness above anyone, even their own happiness. A real father is a man that can step up to the plate at any given time, whether he’s happy about it or not, but if his son is happy,….that’s all that matters!!!

Until next time
NH<3

For the record, this was not a personal attack towards my own father, but it is a perfect example!

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook!

Everybody Deserves a Second Chance

In the past 5 days I’ve written 2 blogs that I haven’t made public, for different reasons. 

1) Because I knew that the people I write about would read it and I didn’t want them to take it the wrong way. 

2) It just wasn’t my best work! I felt like I was forcing it more than I should have. 

So I’m going to start a mixture of both those blogs right here, right now! 

All emotions poured into one

Before I officially start, please know that I am FULLY aware of the “controversy” this will cause with my father’s side of the family, but I’m only stating things here that everyone already knows. 

When I reconnected with my father, I didn’t pay any mind to THAT family. Mainly because I didn’t know them, and I really didn’t care TO know them. But being the type of person I am, I quickly got over that, and I grew more and more curious. Turns out my father had 2 half sisters, and they were my aunts. One aunt is 26 years old, and the other one was 23 (my older sister is 23 smh -_-). Talking to my aunt on facebook and talking to THAT side of the family on facebook, really let me learn new things about everyone. 

1)  That my grandfather is a dick (as told per over 90% of that family), 

2) That both my uncles,…in lack of a better word,…really know how to pick em (this also considering I’ve never met them OR my uncles) 

3) This family is just straight up CRAZY! 

It’s a complete domino effect that this family has. They all corrupt each other in one way or another, and they all love to hate each other and hate to love each other. And reading that out loud just confirmed the insanity this family is to each other! And maybe cuz I didn’t grow up in this environment, but I think they ALL have some screws loose in the head, some looser than others, but still loose enough to need to take a vacation from the world. 

Screws in the head

Being the girl that I am, I feel like it’s up to ME to fix them! 

Growing up with my mom and sister, I knew that it was just the three of us forever. My aunt and cousin lived with us too, but my aunt moved around a lot (she’s part of the reasons we even moved to Queens) so it wasn’t FOREVER. Wherever my mom went me and my big sister went. We stayed with our grandparents, but we both knew that it was me and her forever! It was the 3 of us ’til forever. And as much as I hated my mom and sister growing up (seriously though, who DOESN’T hate every member of their family during there “high school” years), I knew that it was just my mom and 

All for one,...

my sister looking out for me, I knew that it was just the 3 of us to fend for ourselves! No one else was going to look out for us. Yeah my aunt loved us, and my grandparents cared for us, and we did anything and everything for our cousin, but it just wasn’t the same unless all three of us were together. And I guess that’s when I realized, that family is the strongest kind of bond you will EVER have.  

So when I started talking to my father and my grandmother, I started to see the “love” that they all had for each other. And I put parentheses over LOVE because; it seems that unless they need each other, there is very minimal type of affection there. Because I am who I am, and I finally understand the concept of family, I want my ENTIRE family together. I want my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, parents, everyone…to get along! 

WTF did I get myself into? 

It seems that while I’m trying to play God with this family, the real colors are starting to come out and it’s totally clicking to me why half these people don’t get along. But don’t worry, I got this! I will make it work to the best of my ability. 

About a month ago, I invited my aunt to stay with me. Yes the one who is my sister’s age…and finally the day came, that she has arrived to my house with her two kids! And that’s when my entire life kind of just changed! When I saw her and her two kids, I literally saw my mom, my sister and myself. Two kids driving our mother insane!!!!!! And my mom biting her fist to not slap us in public (the good old days were public humiliation actually worked on kids). 

My heart dropped and kind of went out to her. Here I was sweating because I didn’t know how I was going to communicate with someone I have never met, with someone I literally knew nothing about until a few months ago, with someone whom I only had conversations on facebook and they all started and ended the same. Meanwhile she was going to be spending a whole week with my family. What the hell was I thinking? 

After the first two nights, I see how much my aunt and my cousins really need to be here. Here with me, here in New York. I start seeing how much her kids and my son love each other and all that played thru my head was watching me, my sister and cousin growing up together. Knowing that even though our cousin wasn’t our full sister, we would always treat her as she was. The oldest would come up to us, “I don’t want to play with my brother anymore” talking about my son, and my heart broke! I can’t separate these kids. I mean, what are they going to go back to in Florida. Florida is literally a place where people go to retire and live a slow pace life. Florida is a place to escape the city when you’ve had too much of it already. Florida sucks!! And New York is the place to be. 

The next thing I know, I’m in the shower pondering in my head how am I going to rebuild the family I have never met? As I was drying my hair, I looked in the mirror and saw a little bit of my father. My father told me that if he could be with me, he would make sure that all of us would be together. I know that he meant me, my brother, my two sisters and my mother! But the next thing I know, I’m grabbing my husband and telling him “I think she needs to stay in NY.” I couldn’t imagine myself sending her back, to a place where she obviously doesn’t belong! In a place where my son will never see his cousins again! I can’t do it. I refuse to take them to JFK airport and watch them leave to a life, which would do them no good, unless they stayed here in NY. 

I told my aunt, like I told you guys, that the fire was the best thing that happened to our family. It literally allowed me to start fresh and forget about everything that was ever bad. And I told my aunt, that this is an opportunity to give her kids and herself, a fresh start of life. Here in NYC! New school, new friends, new clothes, new appearance, and especially new attitudes. And I think, that even though this is a really hard change for all 3 adults, and all 3 kids, that it by far the best decision we have ever made. In the less than a week we have spent together, you already see progress! I am a strong believer that tough love is the best kind of love. And even if it means leaving everything you have ever known to better yourself and those around you, then so be it. She’s even started blogging,..and I take pride in that 🙂

I think my father would be so proud of the little progress I’m making of welcoming his family into my own! 

Until Next Time 

NH<3

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

My heart is so broken right now.

 

You would think that out of everything that has happened in my life,….

*The fire that took my house and changed my life *Finding my long lost father and rediscovering my identity *Losing one of my best friends to childish games *Or falling off my bike and effeing up my legs and having difficulties walking for a week plus

….that what is breaking my heart now, wouldn’t be anything of importance.

Nothing that has happened to me, can make me feel the way I feel right now. Nothing can make my heart break as much as it’s breaking right now!

If I’ve said it once I have said it a million times over. 2010 has bought so many good things to our life that I can’t complain about anything! 2010 has changed my life in ways that I never could have imagine and I am 100% grateful for every moment of my life…except,…..my son!

In about 2 weeks, it would have been 3 years since I found out I was pregnant. That day, changed my life forever! It took me a long time to accept the fact that I was going to be a mom! But when he finally came into this world, I knew that this is what I was supposed to be feeling all along.

Thru the weeks and months of him being born, I saw him growing and gaining his personality and becoming a little man. I cried at his first shower, I cried the first time he ate solids, the first time he held his bottle, when I stopped nursing! Basically I cried thru my entire journey watching my son growing up! He’s only 2 years old and I already want him to stop growing. He just amazes me so much as each days goes by. His vocabulary has improved so much, he’s able to fully understand me and communicate with me. He does his chores as needed, he catches his little attitudes and knows when he’s being out of line. I’ve experienced him from tiptoeing, to walking, to limping, to jogging, to running to jumping everywhere.

Omg, I’m crying as I write this because I am realizing what a big boy I have. Just the other day we gave him a hair cut and he was so calm on the barber chair, like if he was a pro. I saw him sitting there and just got a flash forward of the barber shaping up his beard! I am NOT looking forward to him growing up! I want him to be my baby forever. I want my kisses to always heal his boo-boos. I want him to always run to me when he wants or needs something. And I know I’m being selfish for always wanting this, but he’s my baby and I want him to stay my forever precious baby.

 

Why am I bringing all of this up? Why is my heart breaking? I seem like such a proud mama, that I should be excited to have my baby growing up. Well,…..I’m not.

I have been one of those fortunate mothers that my son actually does not sleep with me in my bed. He has his own crib in his own room, where he can destroy the room as he pleases. He has always had his own room so it shouldn’t hurt that much what today was. My son actually cannot sleep with me, he doesn’t like me in his space, which is why he has always been able to sleep in his own crib. He gets distracted sleeping in the same room as us, which is why he has always had his own room as well!!

I know, I’m dragging this longer than I should be!

But today,….my baby boy got his first big boy bed. Well a toddler bed. We got rid of his crib, and he is sleeping in a bed right now. Like a little man!

 

My husband and I tried to enforce a favorite to my son. We gave him a bunch of movies to watch and a bunch of toys but he loves the disney movie “CARS” so everything in his room is CARS. He has CARS sticker on his wall, a CARS carpet, he has CARS pj’s and CARS linen, CARS toys, you get the point. Everything is CARS in his room. Now,..including his big boy bed. It’s in the shape of a car.

When the car first came into his room, he paid it no mind. When it was assembled and put into place he thought it was freaking cool. When he found out that he would be sleeping in it, he thought it was depressing. He wanted nothing to do with this THING in his room. Nap time comes around and he tries to look for his crib, but it’s gone! There’s no more crib, so he tries to come to my bed! No, he can’t sleep here. So,…we do what we can! We try to make this seem like the most entertaining bed ever. We start riding the car, and entering thru all the entrances (the doors, the sun roof and windows) and showing him that he can jump on the bed, and now,….he loves the bed, he wants us to get away from “MINE BED.”

now nap time, he sleeps calmly with his Teddy in his arms and his Cars “bank-ette” covering him. He wakes up and wants us to carry him out of bed, until he realizes that he can get on and come off as he wishes.

Bed time comes around, and we do our routine. We go to the potty just to make sure there’s no peepee left in him. We brush our teeth, we change into our pajamas, we drink some warm milk, we say goodnight to Daddy whose in the other room working on his laptop, we snuggle into our bed, we find Teddy. We kiss Teddy goodnight, we kiss each other goodnight. “I love you daddy” he yells loud enough for daddy to hear, “I love you mami” he tells me and gives me ten kisses and laughs at each kiss I give him back. “I love you teddy, goodnight” and he gives his Teddy a kiss. I tuck him in and kiss his little forehead, and he reminds me to turn off the light. I go into the next room and I realize that a tear has just gone my cheek.

Omg my little boy is a little man!!

An hour into us putting him to bed, I hear him laughing! Oh no! My son is not ready for a big boy bed,..I need his crib back. I go into his room to check on him, and he’s talking to Teddy about the new bed. I told him he had to go back to sleep. “Sorry mami. I love you. Goodnight” He quickly turns on his side and covers his cute little face to go back to “sleep.” I go to my room grab my phone so I could post a picture of him “sleeping” in his big boy bed,….”Cheese” I hear him say after he heard my camera click, and we both laugh at the same time.

I am so nervous, me and my husband both realize that once he fully understands that he can get out of that bed alone, we will be having many many MANY visits by a little boy to our bed!! And while I may get annoyed at the thought of being woken up, I know that deep down, I’m super excited that my little man still wants to be his mama’s baby boy!

I don’t want to him to grow up, but I know that no matter what,  I can’t stop that. This is just the beginning of the journey!

 

Ok, I must stop crying now. Ughhh where’s a tissue when you need one?

Read more…

Ghost DO Exist!

I think this calls for a blog, and I’m warning you now, it’s gonna be a LONNGGGG one, so stop now if you don’t want a lot of reading.

I’ve had writers block and I haven’t really wanted to write because it all sounded like bull shit. But I made this blog so my readers could understand me just a little more. I think this is definitely the time I need you guys to get me.

BTW happy groundhog (thanks groundhog for seeing your shadow smh) happy presidents day. Lincolns birthday and happy Valentine’s day.

~sigh

Valentine’s Day.

No year will EVER beat this Valentine’s Day.

A little history and fun fact about me,….me and the husband dude, don’t celebrate Valentine’s day. We’ll go out to a local diner and spoil ourselves like that, but “VDay” isn’t a big deal to us. On a more selfish note, the real “VDay” to me,….is 2 weeks away. On March 1st. It’s my birthday. So save all your dollars and spend it on my birthday 🙂 yayyyy lolsz

Ok getting serious again!!!

On this Valentine’s Day, we had a normal day, husband went to work on some pictures he had taken (he’s a photographer, don’t forget to become a fan of his on FB) we got sleepy, and when the boy went down for his nap, so did me and daddy. This was at about 6:30ish.

I wake up, and I look at my phone, and do what I always do, check Facebook (FB is my crack) and I see this new message. Ok, whatever, let me open it up. And this message is telling me my whole life story of when I was a little girl and lived in Brooklyn. I don’t know what the hell I was running thru my head, so the first thing I did, was text my sister. It turns out, (insert dramatic music here) that it was our uncle from our father’s side of the family.

Another history break, my father turned out to be one of those “typical Puerto Ricans dead-beat hit it and quit” type of guy. Except, he wasn’t smart about it; He (was forced to) married my mom and stuck around just long enough to conceive another offspring. And that’s it. In 2 weeks I’m turning 22 years old, and within those 22 years, I can count on 1 hand (whole hand not needed) how many times I’ve seen this man or HIS family. I can count on my hand, and everyone on a rush hour train, how many times I asked about him.

My memory of him isn’t so bad! The two times that I saw him, we did have fun. One time he took us to six flags, it was first time going. And I remember his white car that had no heat or air condition and that at the parking lot of six flags, broke down on us. I don’t remember how we got home, I think me and my sister fell asleep in his car and he had to drive at 2mph lolsz. I was still in elementary school for this visit, not sure the exact age. I don’t remember the details of that day, but I remember for this day I had a father.

Six Flags 🙂

Another memory is not a so positive one. My sister was in 8th grade and me in 6th. My sister needed money for her senior trip, and he magically popped into our life again, so we asked him for $50 so she could go on her senior trip (to six flag<~~ironic) he was suppose to spend the whole day with us, but he showed up late, and he only stayed for about half hour. He didn’t have the white car anymore, but he did have an 18 year old girlfriend who clinged to his arm like a prada bag on a superficial damsel.  I don’t remember her face, but I do remember thinking she could be my sister. She looked so young, and he just bragged about her, asking if my mom would be upset if she knew. Of course my mom was upset, but not because she’s 18, but because he promised us the whole day, just US!

Ok, enough history lessons. Fast forward to reality. So my “uncle” writes me on Facebook, and I am 100% shocked, but me and my sister were curious to know more. Where was our sperm donor, why hadn’t he called us, why wait til now to reach us? A lot of things run thru your head, and you don’t intend to be disrespect, but this is all bottled up inside for over a decade. Now keep in mind, that I’ve never met him before, nor my other uncle. I’ve only ever met my grandmother and my father. So what do they want now? Do they want a relationship? Do you want to be my best friends? My sister calmed me down. I woke my husband up and I told him and he thought he was still dreaming.

Me and my husband were both raised by single mothers, and we promised ourselves that our son will not have to go thru the drama we went thru with our parents. I know it was hard on my mother, to raise two girls so close in age all by herself. I was upset because I never got to be daddy’s little girl, I never even had time with him. My sister at least got 2 years with him, but he was gone shortly after my birth. So it only makes you wonder what happened. Where he went, and all that other shit.

I texted my mom and I let her know what was going on, and even she was surprised that this family even tried to reach out for me. Cuz for all we knew, we were nothing to them, just like we were nothing to him. And the reason for that, is because I am one of the easiest people to fine, once you have all my info. Yeah even though I moved, my mom has worked in the same location for 22 years. If they really wanted to find me, they would’ve found me. So eventually me and my sister just gave up. We went this long without them and that’s it. Me and my husband were great on the idea of my son having 4 grandmothers (my mom, my aunt, my mother-in-law and her lover) and no grandfather. Me and him did great with no father figure, our son would be perfect with no grandfather.

I call my sister, who wants to talk to our uncle, and we three-way him. We ask him all these questions, and he gives us the answers as truthfully as possible. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I am not scared to hurt your feelings, and I want to know more. I want my questions answered. I’m happy to know they’ve missed us, but it still doesn’t make up for the past 2 decades that they missed out. Turns out I have more than just my uncles that my mom, aunt and uncles knew about. We had 2 more aunts on my father’s side. We have a shitload of cousins (we were used to just having 1, we treated her like our baby sister) and even though me and my sister knew this already, we had another sister and a baby brother (that we begged my mom for but never got lol)/ I’m happy my uncle reached out to me and my sister, but he’s not my father. I want to see my father again, I want to form a relationship with my sister and brother. It’s so crazy how one FB friendship request can change your life forever. But at least now I know they can’t hide from me.

I saw and spoke to my grandmother yesterday too, and it’s crazy for you to think I would call her “grandma” after all this time. I already have a grandma. She’s the one that took care of me, she’s the one that cooked for me, and helped me out when I needed her. She watched my son whenever I needed her to. All these titles have to be earned and this entire family has not been around enough for me to call you “daddy,” “tio,” “tia,” “grandma” it’s just CRAZY! I already have all these things. And these are the people that have never left me at all. I am the same way with my son. Just because my sister got married, that doesn’t automatically make her husband my son’s uncle. That is a title that is earned, and that is a decision for my son to make. Now granted my brother-in-law earned that title, but that was just an example.

I’ve had 2 days to process this information, and it’s still fresh. But it’s a start.

See? I told you 2010 was going to be a new beginning for my family 😉

 

Until Next Time

TTYL