Archive for January, 2011

Giving In Doesn’t Mean Giving Up

I realized why I HAVEN’T been depressed!

I have suffered thru depression in the past, and I never knew how to deal with it. I used to sleep and cry my days away. I used to suffer from bulimia AND anorexia thru out the year, and when I was depressed more so. I was looking at my old pictures, and my weight fluctuated depending on my happiness or not! And I finally understand why.

Its taken me up until now to realize that the cure to any type of disease is moral support.

I’ve been doing just fine in the thought of me and Harts breaking up. I’ve been doing great at the thought of being a single mom. I’ve even been doing ok in the dating scene. For anyone else it would not be normal to be OK! But for me it is. And I know why.

Last week, I was feeling kind of emo. Kinda leave me the fuck alone, everything is bothering me, don’t fuck with me unless you wanna get castrated type of mood. And I was wondering why it was taking me so long to finally show any type of emotion of how I was really feeling.

It all started with this awesome date that I went on. Everything was perfect. He picked me up at my house, took me to this beautiful restaurant, we went to play pool, and like a gentleman, he took me home. Everything was just perfect, but I still found myself thinking about my ex.

No matter how perfect this date (not the guy) was, no one could ever replace my estranged husband. And then I shut down! Everything in me just turned off from everything and everyone that came in my way. And I stayed like this for a few days, because the depression was really killing me.
What got me thru it? My AWESOME friend. I call him my cuddle buddy because he has the best hugs to give me, and his hugs always make me feel better. He talked me thru everything I was feeling, and I finally broke down in tears to someone other than my pillow in the privacy of my home. I poured my heart out and it made me feel way better. It made me realize that I am not perfect and that I am allowed to feel down.

And that’s when I realized, I am the LUCKIEST girl in the world.

I started bitching to my mom @ the beginning of my separation, telling her I was going to move out on my own as soon as I saved up enough money. Now? I plan on staying with my mom forever. (exaggerating but you get the point)

I realized that I am not strong enough right now to be by myself. I need the support of my family, I need the love and affection of my friends. I need someone to keep me mellow and level headed when I’m with my son. My son has seen me cry too much over Harts, and I refuse to have my 2 year old be my therapist.

I admit it, I have faults. I am NOT strong. I have my “FTW” moments. I could not do this on my own.

Me and my family have the funniest relationship. We get on each others nerves, and we never threaten each other. If we threaten each other with anything, we usually follow thru with it.

Me and my family HAVE our ups and downs, but I know that no matter what, they will always be there for me. My mom has told me for the first time that she is proud of the strong woman who I have become, but if it wasn’t for her, I most definitely would not be. She raised two girls, 15 months apart in age, by herself. I got one boy with a whole support system (consisting of my aunt, uncle, cousin, sister, mom, grandparents AND in-laws). If she can do it,…..I’ll be just fine!

Until Next Time


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PS: I never dated that guy again. I’m not ready for the dating scene. I’m trying too hard to forget the last 5 years of happiness with Harts. I realized now that I have enough patience to wait it out. When the perfect guy comes around, I’ll know, but for right now, baby Hart is the only man with the key to my heart.


Note To Self

So excited!

Just got my results in from my GED and I passed!

I had no doubt about myself, but it is still pretty exciting to know that I did it. I am THAT much closer to my wonderful future!

:: Looking in a mirror ::

“Good job self. Things are looking up.”

Until Next Time


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