Archive for May, 2010

Pandora Is My Diary

For the last 2 weeks I have turned on my Pandora, and I have been hating on them so much! 

They have never disappointed me ever! Until these past two weeks. 

I woke up this morning, with my stomach turning and knots forming. And I’m never like this! I rarely let anything bother me, But then,..I realized today is May 27, 2010! At approximately 6pm my father’s sister (who’s my older sister’s age) is coming to visit me. 

I wasn’t really feeling anything about it. Not happy, not sad, not relaxed, it was whatever! I’m used to people coming to my house to just stay here, I am more than happy to open up my house to whoever needs a place to crash. But then for me to wake up with knots n my stomach! 

And I started realizing it’s not her, that had me feeling like this. It was myself. It was all the changes happening so fast!! 

So I get to work, I look at all the work I have to do, and I start rustling thru my paperwork, and then my co-worker starts talking about Christina Aguilera on American Idol. We start arguing because she feels Christina dresses to “slutty” for her age. I completely disagree! I love how she presents herself, I love her voice, I love her fashion sense, and I love most of all that she’s true to herself. So of COURSE I have to go on youtube and see the outfit she wore (I’m not a fan of American Idol) and it brings me back. 

They opened with “Beautiful” and continued, and I was so excited, that after I listened to Janet Jackson’s performance, I turn on my Pandora and put Christina Aguilera, and they start playing all these wonderful songs, that bring me back to when me and my sister would just start making up random dances to songs (“Break Me, Shake Me” by Savage Garden). Made me think about when my sister, my cousin and me would go to the local library and start printing out randomness about “Good Charlotte” (me) “Green Day” (my sister) “All American Rejects” (my cousin) and “Linkin Park” (all three of us). We made an entire “summer Binder” of all these artist plus more. “Bowling for Soup” “Blink 182” “Evanescence”  “The Ataris” “Simple Plan.” You know how we remembered the lyrics, we didn’t have internet so we would record the songs from the radio on to cassette tapes, and rewind it and fast forward and write down the lyrics. And each one of us were responsible for songs, certain artist sang. 

  

These were the good old days. The days, when neither one of us had a father and all we had were each other.

I love them 🙂

See what Pandora does??? 

Makes you reminisce lolsz. 

  

Either way, wish me luck!!

Until Next Time TTYL NH ❤

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

My heart is so broken right now.

 

You would think that out of everything that has happened in my life,….

*The fire that took my house and changed my life *Finding my long lost father and rediscovering my identity *Losing one of my best friends to childish games *Or falling off my bike and effeing up my legs and having difficulties walking for a week plus

….that what is breaking my heart now, wouldn’t be anything of importance.

Nothing that has happened to me, can make me feel the way I feel right now. Nothing can make my heart break as much as it’s breaking right now!

If I’ve said it once I have said it a million times over. 2010 has bought so many good things to our life that I can’t complain about anything! 2010 has changed my life in ways that I never could have imagine and I am 100% grateful for every moment of my life…except,…..my son!

In about 2 weeks, it would have been 3 years since I found out I was pregnant. That day, changed my life forever! It took me a long time to accept the fact that I was going to be a mom! But when he finally came into this world, I knew that this is what I was supposed to be feeling all along.

Thru the weeks and months of him being born, I saw him growing and gaining his personality and becoming a little man. I cried at his first shower, I cried the first time he ate solids, the first time he held his bottle, when I stopped nursing! Basically I cried thru my entire journey watching my son growing up! He’s only 2 years old and I already want him to stop growing. He just amazes me so much as each days goes by. His vocabulary has improved so much, he’s able to fully understand me and communicate with me. He does his chores as needed, he catches his little attitudes and knows when he’s being out of line. I’ve experienced him from tiptoeing, to walking, to limping, to jogging, to running to jumping everywhere.

Omg, I’m crying as I write this because I am realizing what a big boy I have. Just the other day we gave him a hair cut and he was so calm on the barber chair, like if he was a pro. I saw him sitting there and just got a flash forward of the barber shaping up his beard! I am NOT looking forward to him growing up! I want him to be my baby forever. I want my kisses to always heal his boo-boos. I want him to always run to me when he wants or needs something. And I know I’m being selfish for always wanting this, but he’s my baby and I want him to stay my forever precious baby.

 

Why am I bringing all of this up? Why is my heart breaking? I seem like such a proud mama, that I should be excited to have my baby growing up. Well,…..I’m not.

I have been one of those fortunate mothers that my son actually does not sleep with me in my bed. He has his own crib in his own room, where he can destroy the room as he pleases. He has always had his own room so it shouldn’t hurt that much what today was. My son actually cannot sleep with me, he doesn’t like me in his space, which is why he has always been able to sleep in his own crib. He gets distracted sleeping in the same room as us, which is why he has always had his own room as well!!

I know, I’m dragging this longer than I should be!

But today,….my baby boy got his first big boy bed. Well a toddler bed. We got rid of his crib, and he is sleeping in a bed right now. Like a little man!

 

My husband and I tried to enforce a favorite to my son. We gave him a bunch of movies to watch and a bunch of toys but he loves the disney movie “CARS” so everything in his room is CARS. He has CARS sticker on his wall, a CARS carpet, he has CARS pj’s and CARS linen, CARS toys, you get the point. Everything is CARS in his room. Now,..including his big boy bed. It’s in the shape of a car.

When the car first came into his room, he paid it no mind. When it was assembled and put into place he thought it was freaking cool. When he found out that he would be sleeping in it, he thought it was depressing. He wanted nothing to do with this THING in his room. Nap time comes around and he tries to look for his crib, but it’s gone! There’s no more crib, so he tries to come to my bed! No, he can’t sleep here. So,…we do what we can! We try to make this seem like the most entertaining bed ever. We start riding the car, and entering thru all the entrances (the doors, the sun roof and windows) and showing him that he can jump on the bed, and now,….he loves the bed, he wants us to get away from “MINE BED.”

now nap time, he sleeps calmly with his Teddy in his arms and his Cars “bank-ette” covering him. He wakes up and wants us to carry him out of bed, until he realizes that he can get on and come off as he wishes.

Bed time comes around, and we do our routine. We go to the potty just to make sure there’s no peepee left in him. We brush our teeth, we change into our pajamas, we drink some warm milk, we say goodnight to Daddy whose in the other room working on his laptop, we snuggle into our bed, we find Teddy. We kiss Teddy goodnight, we kiss each other goodnight. “I love you daddy” he yells loud enough for daddy to hear, “I love you mami” he tells me and gives me ten kisses and laughs at each kiss I give him back. “I love you teddy, goodnight” and he gives his Teddy a kiss. I tuck him in and kiss his little forehead, and he reminds me to turn off the light. I go into the next room and I realize that a tear has just gone my cheek.

Omg my little boy is a little man!!

An hour into us putting him to bed, I hear him laughing! Oh no! My son is not ready for a big boy bed,..I need his crib back. I go into his room to check on him, and he’s talking to Teddy about the new bed. I told him he had to go back to sleep. “Sorry mami. I love you. Goodnight” He quickly turns on his side and covers his cute little face to go back to “sleep.” I go to my room grab my phone so I could post a picture of him “sleeping” in his big boy bed,….”Cheese” I hear him say after he heard my camera click, and we both laugh at the same time.

I am so nervous, me and my husband both realize that once he fully understands that he can get out of that bed alone, we will be having many many MANY visits by a little boy to our bed!! And while I may get annoyed at the thought of being woken up, I know that deep down, I’m super excited that my little man still wants to be his mama’s baby boy!

I don’t want to him to grow up, but I know that no matter what,  I can’t stop that. This is just the beginning of the journey!

 

Ok, I must stop crying now. Ughhh where’s a tissue when you need one?

Read more…

Bruised Ego = Skinned Knees

Ouch! Fuck! HOLY FUCKEN SHIT THIS SHIT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup!!!!!

That’s me!!

I fell off my bike on Monday. And that bitch hurt like a mofo! I’ve been limping for the last couple of days, and I started realizing that the more people I saw, the more I would have to repeat the same story over and over again! So I figured,…you bitches could leave me alone and just READ MY BLOG,..And get the full uncensored version of why my legs hurt.

As a little girl, I never learned how to ride a bike. We had a hand me down bikes. Mine was red and my sister’s blue! They were really busted; to the point that the bike was too big for me and the training wheels were crooked. Thinking about it, I think they were meant for boys. So I never really learned. I went on that bike twice I think, and I fell each time, and I swore that I would never go back on it. I don’t remember if my sister learned how to ride the bike, but I was terrified so I refused to learn. (If you ask anyone in my family, I was such a scaredy cat, EVERYTHING scared me, so to be on a crooked, red, boy bike was a huge no-no for me)

When I started dating my now husband, his mom had a billion bikes in her house, so he taught me how to ride a bike. But it was only a one day deal. I’m sitting on the bike and he’s holding on to the back of the seat for me and leading me, and he lets go, and I stay up!!! I thought I was pretty good for a first timer (the times I fell didn’t count) and we rode for about 2 hours, and this time, I didn’t get scared. I rode to Chelsea Piers and I even ripped my pants. But I didn’t care. It was a really relaxed feeling I had this day.

Our anniversary lands in April, and my WONDERFUL husband decides to surprise me with bikes. We’ve always wanted to get one, but we were always scared to spend TOO much money. So we finally said, “Hey, let’s just do it.”

His argument to me, “Why join a gym when you could be spending less overall riding bikes?” Which I totally agree with him. I’m one of those people that I want to lose weight so bad but I’m too lazy to actually LOOSE the weight! With the bikes, I’m exercising AND getting around, so it really works out.

Fast forward to May 17, 2010 at around 7pm. I had gotten home from work, and I was sooo tired. We had worked out for a TOTAL of 12 hours this past weekend alone, my muscles were sore and I just wanted to sleep. I was really lazy and I told my husband that I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. I didn’t want to work out today! But obviously THAT didn’t happen.

Oh! Wait, before I get too ahead of myself, let me explain something. I live in Queens! And Queens is VERY hilly. I know that’s not a word but it’s the only way I know how to explain it. Queens is retarded with there blocks. On one side you have one LONG block on the other side it gets divided to 3 small blocks. You could drive and try looking for 100th road. And you see 100th ct, 100th st, 100th ave, 100th dr, all on the same block. Yeah that’s how retarded it is. But worst of all, you have the one way two-ways street. Which are roads that should only be one way roads but are divided into two-ways either way! Ughh whatever!! Going OFF topic!!! Back to the hills, as you go up the retarded streets, its a lot of hills. Which is extremely fun to go down them, but it is hard as hell to go up it. So you guys already know I have very minimal biking experience prior to the purchase of these bikes, but my husband is trying to teach me to ride like a pro. I’ve been biking every day, I have mastered going up the hill, and I have even gotten less nervous going down the hill. We go to a nearby track, and I practice standing. Apparently standing on a bike makes you go faster and really helps! So I’m practicing all this shit. And as we head home, we decide to take a different route. The reason we try different paths is because your body becomes so used to going down a certain way, you’re not really challenging your muscles (which is why you shouldn’t exercise just one part of your body).

As I’m going up this hill, I’m standing. Wow! The husband was right, this ISeasier. Hmm will the same thing happen if I go downhill???

I’m going downhill now. Now mind you, I’ve been training myself so I could learn how to maneuver going up and down hills, and all of a sudden, in front of me,..i see a gate. I see that the gate is open enough for me to get thru but not big enough to get a car thru. Why am I getting nervous? I could do this. Ok, so if I lean forward, I go faster.

Oh shit!

Too fast, too fast!!

Slow down!!!

Press the breaks.

No! Not the front ones. You’ll go flying, press the back ones.

Wait?!? Which one is the back break.

Holy shit!

WTF just happened?

Fuck!!! I JUST BOUGHT THESE GLASSES.

Cover your face, my glasses!!!

I could have made that

Shit, did I stop flying?

OMG,…am I on fire???

My husband catches up to me, askes me if I’m ok. And the shock of it really shocked me,…I was so frozen and next thing I knew I was crying. He gets down on the floor with me and all I see is that tights had been ripped. He went to pick me up and assured me I was fine, it was just the shock of the fall that had me crying. He grabbed my wrist and I cried again,…my wrist hurt so much! But I had to tough it out. I walked around and my body hurt so much. I was limping but I had to tough it out. I was just a few blocks from home.

I had to go downhill to get home but instead of going as fast as I HAVE been going in the past,..I now have to keep my hands on the break!!! The left hand this time,…that one leads to the back wheel!!! My husband kept asking me if I was ok,…and I wish I couldve said yes and actually meant it,…but my knees felt like they were on fire!! They were burning so much, but I didn’t see any blood, I didn’t feel like I had broken anything, why so much pain.

As I get home and off my bike, the more and more painful it became to walk. I took off my pants and I saw blood on my knees and a bruise forming on my right arm. My left palm was bleeding and my feet were swollen. My lower back was killing me.
~sigh,…I’m such a hot mess! I get the tub ready and I start soaking myself in hot water to hopefully calm my injuries and while it worked, I could barely bend my legs to get OUT of the tub. I could barely put my pants on. and to make everything worse, I couldn’t even more my arm (hands yes, thank god! What would I do without fb?) I went to bed and woke up the next day to get to work, and I was in the worst pain ever. My husband had 2 dress me and it took me forever to climb up and down any steps. A normal 6 minute walk to the train station took me 17 minutes to do, this is NOT including the walk UP the stairs. I walk into my office and all my coworkers are wondering wth happened to me!

I explain them the story and I could barely laugh without it hurting. I was so delayed in work because there was unable to move or do anything for myself.

As the days went by, the bruising is getting greener instead of bluer. My knees are still swollen, but I’m able to walk faster. If you’ve been keeping up with my status then you’d see how my walking has improved! But my co-workers still make fun of me, but now I make fun of myself too. I am still in massive pain though.

So now!!! Stop asking me why I’m limping!!!!!! Cuz now,….u know

And just to make matters worse,…as I was ready to post this blog,…….I stubbed my toe,….FML

~sigh
ttyl

NH ❤
PS- One of my friends helped me out with the title!! ily AMP 😉

The Other Side To The Story

In 2 days it marks 5 months since the fire in my house (read here to find out what I’m talking about)

But it doesn’t mark when we moved to this new place. Sunday marked the 4th month that we have been living in this new place.

And with a new location, come new neighbors, new surroundings, new observations, and most of all new stories.

I grew up in Sunset Park, Brooklyn. So when my mom moved us to Woodhaven, Queens, I was pissed!

I always claimed to be a Brooklyn Bound type of girl. I would always find myself to Brooklyn. Even if it meant taking a 2 hour train ride to get to my best friend’s house, just so I can be surrounded by that Brooklyn Air.

The older I got, the lazier I got. And the less I commuted to my best friend’s house. Making me more of a Queens girl! When I moved out to my own place, I looked for places in Brooklyn, but none of them appealed to me. So I went back to Woodhaven, Queens, and that’s where I stayed!

In the last year, as long as I get on the train at the same time every day, I would see the same people.

There was this Asian lady that would pace back and forth every morning in the same spot. She would talk to herself as if motivating herself that she could make it thru another day. There was this lady, who wore “mom” pants every day. Another person would always pray the rosary every morning. And without a fail, there was always this one man that every time you got on the train, would be bobbing his head back and forth and snoring.

This was my morning rituals every morning.

Until one day, it all changed.

I see this guy; he’s dressed to the nine. He has a fitted suit, hair slicked back, shoes perfectly polished and smelling like one of those guys from the “Axe” commercials. This is not out of the ordinary, because everyone is dressed while going to work, but he stole my attention because I’ve never seen him before. He was on his phone pacing back and forth. He gets a phone call; the person he is meeting is approaching the platform now. We both enter the train at the same time. He enters a different car then me.  

As I take my seat on the train, I see this beautiful lady. Her hair is made up. She has her skirt raised so she could show off her legs. I see her looking at her phone. “I’m sitting down in the first car, I don’t see you”

The handsome man walking illegally between the car doors “I’m right here. Is that you with the red shoes?”

She giggles, hangs up her phone and gestures him to sit down next to her.

Obviously these people have never met before and probably met on a dating website and figured this could be a great place to meet. Which I think it’s an awesome idea!! If you meet on the train, then you guys never know where each other lives. You don’t have to guess what the other person would like as food. If the person is boring, than you’re timed either way. You would have to split ways until one of you has to get off the train. If you don’t like the person than you could either get on a different car or take the train earlier or later. It’s a perfect plan!!!!!!!

For a few months, I saw them on the train every morning. The more the days passed, the more casual there outfits became. The more casual and annoyed they looked at each other. He would sit down and read his newspaper while she tried to get his attention.

I mentioned earlier about me finding a new place, still in Queens. Well this is why.

Every morning I would get on the train and this lady would already be on the train! And she would wait for him, and I would on the same station as he was, and I would see his anticipation to see her and her excitement once she saw him.

I’m taking the train from my new house to work every morning, and it runs along the same train line. And guess who I’m in the station with?? Yup you guessed it. Lady with the red shoes.

Now, I’m seeing her side of the relationship. Every morning she rushes to the train, she hurries to the end of the platform she has to be on. She takes out her compact mirror and fixes her hair. She already has make-up on, but she still powders her face and puts on a little lip-gloss to make her lips extra shiny. She walks into the train, smells herself to be sure she’s clean, checks her mirror one more time, smells her breath, takes a piece of gum, and as we approach the station before her handsome beau, she throws the gum away. As we get to his station, she is relaxed and calm, and looks so down to earth.

I now see her efforts to make it work for him. While he was TOO down to earth, she was fixing herself to make herself beautiful. And she anxiously awaits the arrivals of her beau, and he sits down and reads his newspaper.

So, in the last 4 months, as long as I get on the train at the same time every day, I would see the same people every morning. I saw the Asian lady that would pace back and forth every morning in the same spot, get on the train. I saw the lady with the “mom” pants. I still saw the person praying the rosary every morning. And without a fail, I see the man getting on the train and start bobbing his head back and forth and snoring.

And with a new location, come new surroundings, new observations, and most of all a different side to the stories we already knew.

Until Next Time

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Happy Mother’s Day

Since I found out I was pregnant, being a mom was a big deal. I was pregnant at 19, so NOT the life I imagined.

I always knew I was going to be a young mom, but 19, seriously?

  • How was I going to support this child? Yeah I had a job I loved, but my paycheck was not enough to support a family.
  • Where was I going to live? I barely wanted to stay at my mother’s house. There was barely room for me, let alone a little baby.
  • Would I have to raise this kid by myself? Nowadays what guys stick around.

Luckily I had a finance (yeah I didn’t imagine myself engaged at 19 either, but life is always going to throw something at you and you just gotta take it) who was so understanding and so happy that I was carrying his child. That we immediately started looking for a place to live. We were saving our money for months. When my finance went to work and I would be home by myself I would talk to my belly and hug it and just pray that I would be a good mom.

How, @ 19 did I expect to be a good mom? Finally I had my baby Hart in my arms and I cried for days. How can I love something or someone so much. When I took him home for the first time, he cried for 2 days which made me cry. I called my mom begging her to help him stop crying. She came right over, and she cradled him, and he stopped. Which just made me cry even more. I should’ve known why my son was crying.

The first time I felt like an ACTUAL mother, was on Valentine’s Day. Exactly 2 weeks after he was born. We were finally able to shower him. He was crying at the top of his lungs, screaming. I got in the tub with him, and he held on to me for dear life. He looked at me and just hugged me. Yes! My son has made me a crybaby, because I was crying. Because he knew I was HIS mommy, and that I would never let anything bad happen to him. He knew, @ 2 weeks old that I would always be here for him. And on February 15th, 2008, was when I knew I would always be the best mother I could be for my baby Hart.

Fast forwarding 2 years later, especially on days like today, (Mother’s Day) everyone is texting me, calling me, posting on my wall, what an awesome mom I am and they’re wishing me a happy mother’s day. But everyday that I leave towork, everyday that I go out for a drink with friends, days that I ask my mother or my sister to watch my son overnight so I could be alone with my husband, everyday that I am NOT with my son, I feel like I’m a horrible mother, because I want to have a life of my own. Because I feel I deserve a break. I feel like I’m neglecting my son. And when I cry my eyes out because I feel like a disappointment to my son, my husband ensures me that I’m not. I know that there are moms out there that DO neglect there kids with no worries at all, and I know that I’m not a horrible mother, I just want to be a better mother. I love my baby with everything that I am, and I can’t imagine loving him anymore than I already do. I spend all my free time with him, that all I could think of is taking him to work with me so he doesn’t forget my face.

And I know everyone is going to tell me I am the best mother I can be, but I am always going to feel like 2nd best compared to my mom I hope all my readers have a blessed mother’s day, and don’t that no matter what, you are truly special and loved because YOU are a mother.

Until next time

Ttyl

NH ❤

You remeber High School?

You know that feeling when you just don’t care anymore?

The feeling of emptiness?

 Yeah, that’s how I’m feeling.

 When I was in high school I became really close to this guy. He actually became one of my best friends. I would run to him and vice versa. He knew my family and I knew his. The thing with me is that I VALUE my friendships. I bust my ass to make these friendships work, because you never know when you’re going to need them, or when they’re going to need you.

 I guess you could say that I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I truly do.

 So this friend of mine, I’ve actually known him since middle school but we didn’t become close until high school. Sophomore/junior year came rolling around and we began dating. It worked so well with us because we were friends first. And again, we already knew everything we possibly could about each other, and that why we felt it was ok to date.

I know what you’re thinking, that if it doesn’t work out you risk losing a friendship with that person. But things didn’t work out with us as boyfriend and girlfriend but we remained friends either way.

Fast forward to after high school years.

On special occasion I hear from him, like birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. but we were pulling away from each other. It would be every so often that we would reconnect and start talking on a daily basis, but this usually just last a week. But every time we talk it feels great because we’re friends like we were in high school. We reminisce and of course make each other feel old cuz high school was so0o long ago!! But these are good times.

One of the reasons we broke up was because his life was so hectic. But this didn’t stop us from being friends. Until recently.

 I know that we both have our own lives now. I know he has work and his family and himself to take care of, and I have my shyt too. But I still want to make time for him. I’m the type of person that deals with the NOW! Tomorrow is never guaranteed. And he agreed to this. So we promised each other, that 2010 was gonna be a better year for us. Because true friends (which is what we are to each other) are truly hard to find.

As of today, May 7, 2010 we have still not seen or spent time together, like we promised.

 Ever since the fire that took my home (read here to find out what I’m talking about) I’ve been trying to have a positive outlook on my life. Every negative always comes with a positive. And I promised myself and my family, that we would live for the now and the today because only God knows when it’s the end. So I feel I’ve been living up to my end of the bargain, living everyday like it was my last, but I can’t get the same from him.

 He was around when the fire happened. He was around when I found my new place. He was around when our business was rising. He was around for my birthday. He was around when I met my father. He was even around last week, when nothing happened. He was around.

He just never makes the efforts like I do. I TRY my hardest to be there for him too, but he’s not allowing me in anymore. You could try and try until your blue in the face, but nothing’s going to happen if the other person doesn’t want it to happen.

 So, if I’m going to keep living in the NOW! Then it’s over. I can’t keep stressing (mind you this is my first time in 2010 really STRESSING someone out) myself out over someone who doesn’t want me in his life.

 The signs were all there. This is like high school all over again. He broke my heart back then, and he’s breaking it now. The only difference, now, I’m breaking the habit now.

 I’m done with the bull shit, the excuses, the lies, and the neglect. I’m done with being on the bottom of the list. I’m tired of all the games. I really am.

 I have my few selected friends that I love dearly, and that no matter what, I will never leave them. They’re 4 girls and 1 guy.

My baby cousin – Twix ❤ cuz she already knows me inside and out. (I posted a status on fb saying that I’m done with his bs even after 7 years I don’t learn, and she texted me,…”what did this heffer do now?” Lmfao)

My Best Friend for LIFE! – ShortE,…I tell her EVERYTHING! And she tells me EVERYTHING, and sometimes we don’t even have to talk to know what we mean.

My big sister — Milkyway 😉 that even though she’s slow sometimes in knowing who this blog was first about, lolsz,..i know she would always be the person to knock some common sense into me and put me in my place!! :-p

My friend from HS – hmm,…I don’t have a nickname for her—maybe,..soccer girl?? Lolsz,…I know I can always count on her to be around!! She’s definetly one of the few, that even though we don’t speak everyday she’s always around.

And the guy,…as cheesy as it is,…my husband. He’s the greatest of all time.

Moral of this blog, I am too old to be dealing with high school drama, and I think that once everyone realizes that, we would be living in a much happier world.

 Have you ever been on a diet,..wishing you were the same size you were in when you were in high school? Life is the same way. You can’t act like you’re in high school. Even though life was easier then, life is way different now and everyone has grown up. So as much as I wish my friendships have stayed the same in high school, realistically speaking,…it’s never going to be the same.

 So as much as it hurts, I’m done with him! I’m tired of just being here. I WORK on my friendships to work, and I can’t have a one-sided relationship! I can’t be in a “relationship” when I’m the only one that cares. So hopefully he reads this and sees how REAL I’m being!!

 I’m too old for this crap!

 ’til next time

You can have anything you want–if you want it badly enough.

“You can have anything you want–if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.” – William Adams 
 

 

suc·cess [suh k-ses]  

–noun  

1. The favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors.

2. The attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.

 

 

ac·com·plish·ment [uh-kom-plish-muh nt]  

–noun

1. An act or instance of carrying into effect; fulfillment: the accomplishment of our desires.

2. Something done admirably or creditably:

Many people interpret success in many different ways. They often say that you need to have accomplished something and make it greater.

A few nights ago I went out, to hang out with a person I went to high school with. In high school me and him weren’t friends as so much, classmates. We had some classes together so we always said hi and bye to each other. Every once in a while we spoke to the same group of people, but he wasn’t someone that I actually KNEW in high school. But we decided to just hang out. Not going to lie, but I was a little nervous. I had no idea what we would talk about or how we would communicate. And I had the BEST time in a long time. We were catching up and getting to know each other. I think it felt pretty amazing because I was able to have a fresh start with someone I barely knew.

He was telling me about his family life, school life, and relationship life. And I felt that I was truly getting to know this person. And I was talking to him about my life as well. And anyone who knows me knows my biggest prides are my husband and my son.

My biggest struggle is my father.

I’ve gotten to know my father in a way that I’ve always dreamed of, and I feel that I have been truly blessed because of this. There are many people out there, who DON’T know a parent, and never get that opportunity to meet that parent. But I have been fortunate enough to meet him. Yes, it’s 22 years later, but hey,…better late than never right?

And this friend, which I never spoke to in high school, told me that I have an awesome life.

Now I don’t see it like that.

My life is so full of drama and complications and sometimes, it’s overwhelming. Sometimes I wish I could just escape in a little whole and just be by myself. I know this is not realistic, cuz I’m an adult. An adult with responsibilities! And as an adult with responsibilities, life doesn’t stop spinning because of the many obstacles that are thrown in my direction that I don’t WANT to handle.

There are many times I wish I could have given up on everything. Life was too hard, and I am just one person. But I kept going. And to me,…these don’t seem like accomplishments or even succeeding,…this is me moving on with life because I HAVE to.

I told him, just a summary of my life. My profession, my marriage, my family (old AND new) and my beliefs! And he just looked at me, with such awe. And I’m looking at him like he’s stupid. And he explained to me, that everything in my life was an accomplishment. Uhmmm no it’s not!!!! An accomplishment is an act of fulfillment; something done admirably or creditably.

I didn’t fulfill anything. I didn’t/don’t do anything admirable. I keep living and moving forward because I HAVE to. I work, because I have a family to support. I educate myself because I want to better life for my son. I pay bills and support my family because I HAVE to do all this stuff.

:::KNOCK IN HEAD:::

Do you realize how many people HAVE to do all these things, and DON’T? Do you realize how many people my age, with a family of their own still live and depend on their parents? Do you realize how many people, who are even older than me, don’t know what the future holds for them? Do you have ANY idea how many people my age have no idea what they want to do with their lives?

Here I am sitting and thinking that my life is just so dramatic (makes for good blogging though) and that my life is nothing. That I am living life the way I feel I have to, and it turns out, that my life is an accomplishment. My life is a success!!

My accomplishment in the test of life

  • good paying job at 18 (hotel)
  • gave birth to my son at 19
  • found a better job at 20 (currently still in this position)
  • got married at 20 (currently still married at 22)
  • a fire cannot break us
  • picked my family up from the fire
  • discovered my other half of my family
  • most of all, never let go of my faith

 

Never underestimate yourself; you’re worth more than you give yourself credit for.

 

Until Next Time

TTYL