Archive for September, 2011

MILF

I’ve always been kind of vain. But not in the sense that I think I’m better than everyone else, but because I actually want to take care of myself. I don’t believe that mothers, should use having a child as an excuse to not take care of themselves. Whether its personal hygeine or even appearence. Ill admit that shortly after my son was born, I did wear the baggy shirts and sweatpants on a regular basis, but once I got to work or went out, I know I TRIED to change. I’d have my lazy days and just pick my hair up and not worry about make-up. I think it’s easy to loose yourself when you have a kid, and a partner. Because your main focus is no longer yourself.

I wish I thought then what I know now. I have shared with you my struggles with my weight and my appearence thru the years and now that I am finally figuring out what makes me happy, nothing or no one is going to get in my way. Thru my process of being a single mother, and thru my adventures of dating scumbags, after douchebags, after dirtbags, I have realized that I’m the consistent one in all the matchings. I’m trying to make myself happy.

No. Having a man in my life is not going to make me happy, but getting that attention will. I walk down the street and I see a guy checking me out, that will boost up my confidence just a little. I go to the grocery store and the bagboy smiles my way, that would make me feel accomplished. Not in the sense that I’m going to sleep with them, but to boost my self confidence up, that one day, when I want it, love won’t be to hard to find.

My secret goal (not so secret since this is a public blog) is to become a MILF. The term MILF became popular when Sean Williams referred to his mother in the movies “American Pie.” MILF meaning “Mother I’d Like to Fuck.” All his friends met his mom and wanted to hang out when his mom as around because they wanted to stare at her.

I know some people find me attractive already, but its not enough for “my” MILF mission. I want to be fit and sexy, flat stomach, perky boobs, wrinkle free, 30 something year old. I mentioned in my previous blog that my 3 year old son was spoiled, so I want my son to have everything he can, of course while I’m montioring everything.

My friends never came to my house growing up and I always had to chill in their houses, and hang around their moms and their families. My mom never really trusted any of my friends growing up, let alone their parents. I want my son to have the responsible parent. I want to baby my sons friends. I want my son and his friends to be comfortable coming over to the house to play videogames and just hangout, and I want their families to trust me. Now if my sons teenage friends have a small crush on me, that’s adorable to, but I want my son to feel like he is independent, and that I trust himand the while, I keep a close eye on him, and the only way I can do that, is if I allow him the freedom he needs, in my home.

My wanting to be a MILF is not only for my own vanity, it’s for my health, so I can be healthy while chasing my son in the park, or running bases with him when he has baseball practice or taking him for swim lessons and not getting out of breath with every stroke. My MILF dreams are so my son won’t be embarassed to take me places because I wouldn’t fit thru the door or ill have to stop every 5 seconds to remember to breathe. I want my son to be proud to show me off as his mom, because I’m the cool, hot mom.

Until Next Time
MILF in training 😉

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New Beginnings

So I’m done with the 30 day challenge. I guess I failed since I didn’t complete all 30 days.

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a long time already, and I’ve never gotten around to it.

I’m the happiest I have been in a long time, and its crazy to believe that someone like ME can feel so blessed.

When I came back from Georgia, my life changed completely around. Me and my son’s father got into a huge arguement and it changed the future for our parenting skills. I had started to date more exclusively and I registered myself for school. These are all things I never thought would happen to me.

Like I’ve said in a previous blog, me and my son’s father, always did what was best for our son, no matter how much we disliked each other and disagreed with each other, our son was always our number 1 priority. He went almost 3 months without talking to his son, which took a big hit on all 3 of us. My son had started to pee the bed again, he was losing sleep, it took me awhile to get him back to normal. It was until his father came back in the picture that the stress started to hit him again. He would go see his father and HIS family (which still consists of my niece and nephew & their mom). He started to eat less, and pee the bed again. The wonderful things about kids, is that they get into a routine pretty quickly. After awhile I got that to stop too, but still, it must be hard for your son to go through all of this because of one argument.

May 10th was the last time me or my son had heard/spoke to BD. On July 18th, me and BD met face to face to discuss the future of our son. We had both agreed that July 19th would be the first day they would meet up. That night, I was preparing my 3 year old for bed, and while I was packing his bookbag he said “Where I going mom?”
ME: you’re going to go see daddy tomorrow, how exciting!
BH: I don’t want to see daddy. I want to go to the park.
ME: How about I talk to Daddy about taking you to the park?
BH: No! I want to go with you.
ME: Ok, how about this? Me AND daddy will take you to the park.
BH: That’s not going to work
ME: Oh? And why not?
BH: My Daddy doesn’t like you.
ME: And what makes you say that.
BH: That’s why Daddy isn’t here.

That was an extreme moment for me, and I answered it as best as I could. I told him that mommy and daddy still cared about each other but not to be together anymore. I told him that mommy and daddy would always love him no matter what our life style was. This was at 2am. He was still not sleeping. The thought of going to Daddy’s house scared him, because to him, this was a stranger.

On the train ride the next morning, he fought with me. I told him we were going to see Daddy and he refused. He cried and threw a tantrum. When he saw his father waiting for him, he backed away slowly and hid behind me. He told me he wasn’t going to behave good with Daddy. He told me he wanted to see my father before he saw his own. He told me he wanted to see my boyfriend before his father. As I dropped of my sad baby boy to his father, I saw his sad eyes following me, but I had faith his dad would take care of him. I picked him up later that day, and he had a blast with them. He still preferred me, but we were both happy to spend time with his family. As the days passed by, my son doesn’t fight me anymore. He runs to see his daddy, he talks to his daddy everynight, and he prays with me for his daddy.

The thing I love about my boyfriend, is that he doesn’t get jealous of my son’s relationship with either one of his parents. As a single mom, it gets hard to find the “right guy” that you want to bring home. For me? Its not about the right guy to bring home to mom, its the right guy that will win my son’s affection. The guy that will understand, that compared to my son, he will always be second. It was a hard decision for me to know I wanted a relationship and an even harder choice to pick him.

Before I went to Georgia, I dated a lot of different ‘characters.’ Some were nice, some were assholes. There’s a lot of different breed in men. But like I stated in a previous blog as well, I wasn’t about to just fuck around with whatever had a penis. I had my son to think about. What would happen if I just fucked around, what type of person would my son think his mom is? What guy would take me seriously if I gave it all up to him without even the expecation of something serious? Yes! I was taking it old school, when people actually had values and respect for themselves. Any guy worth having me, would have to work for it.

Getting into a new relationship was by far the last thing on my mind. But it kind of just happened. Me and him went out a few times, had an amazing time with each other, we would stay up long hours into the night just talking and getting to know each other. We had known OF each other before. We met a few times before as well, and that’s how it all kind of started. We were friends on Facebook, and then we started to text, to call, and to chill. He wasn’t around for the big fiasco with me and BD, but he helped me stay sane about the who idea. We both weren’t ready for a relationship, but the relationship kind of called us. Whenever I would hang out with my friends, I would bring him around. Whenever my son was with me, they would both play. As a single mom, you always do what’s best for your child, always putting your best judgement call on that.

Before we even became offical “boyfriend/girlfriend” I asked my son how he felt about the situation. He loved my “not-boyfriend.” So I decided to take the jump and give him my all. This is something I never do. Yes! I was the type of girl, that spoke to a different guy every night. I would text random people through out the day, and go on different dates. Little by little all the other guys just vanished from my call log, and I was giving him my all. Which again, is something I never do. I let my guard down completely with this guy, and it was the most amazing thing ever.

It was not an easy decision, but its one that’s working out well. I don’t see him everyday like I want to, but like I said, that’s why I love him. He understands that he’s not my number 1 and he’s allowing me to live my life. I’m in school now, taking 14 credits this semester (again, something I wold have never done). I’m in church again full time. I lost sight of myself when I chose everything else over church. I’m 100% there for my son, which is hard, because I always had my son’s father to lean on. And I’m in touch with myself again. I think that was the hardest thing about this whole situation, that I lost sight of myself and stopped putting myself first.

My life is a complicated life. I ru on 3 to 5 hours of sleep daily but I’m trying to make that look good, cuz life is beautiful and doesn’t deserve my tears!

Stay blessed =)
NH