Archive for December, 2010

Blessing In Disguise

I wrote a blog last year about all the downs that happened in 2009. And one of the things that people have always said is “Next year is going to be a better year.”

What can possibly be better than actually having survived a year?

I am so thankful that I have actually survived all the bullshit in my life, that everything that put me down turned right side up. I am so grateful that I have friends that have helped thru all the drama in my life, and have been able to talk me thru me and keep me sane.

January– I was basically homeless, wondering where I was going to live. My co-workers, family and friends stepped up and gave me and my family everything we needed. Clothes, food, toys for my son. I was so grateful.

February – My son turned 2. I had no money to throw him a birthday party, and my family helped by either baking the cake themselves, donating decorations, or mostly for just being there. In February, I also discovered I had more than my mom and her family. I discovered I had a father and his family to. I met my brother and sister for the first time.

March – I turned 22, and things were looking good at work, but I was still bitter towards my paternal side of the family. Then I was called to work a retreat, and the message really helped me accept my new family. I felt that I would never be able to forgive my father for ABANDONING us.

April – I was just getting used to my new way of life, and I opened my heart and met my father for the first time ever. I was angry and happy and everything in between, but I felt blessed because I was able to share this experience with my then husband, my son (who now has a grandfather), and 22 new girls who I will always consider my little Masterpieces!
May – Was a pretty quiet month, but it was another month that I got closer to my mom’s side of the family. I fell off my bike after finally learning HOW to ride. My aunt from my father’s side of the family came to visit us and in turn came to live with us.
June – A life changing experience, me and my husband fought really bad, and while we tried to make up,..I think we lingered the fight more than we should have.
July – I went on another mini-vacation with my husband to try to rekindle our marriage.
August – My husband turned 26, and my career wasn’t going as planned. My in-laws stepped up and became a big part of all of our lives. This was the first time that I spent HOURS in the kitchen cooking a big meal. The photography business was having its ups and downs, but it was a foot into the right direction. And my son has finally joined daycare.
September – I realized that I finally needed to ask for help. I reunited with a bunch of friends that I’ve lost. I’ve even grown closer to my mom, whom I’ve had issues with since forever. My husband got a new job, making it hard for us to find time for each other. And I finally decided to go back to school to get my GED.
October – My husband came to terms with his MS and his sickness. I was spending a lot of my free time figuring out how to be the wife of the MS diagnosed.
November – Me and my husband, realized that we are great parents together and that while we love each other truly, we can’t be together, unless we wanted to end up 50 and resenting each other. It wasn’t fair for our son for him to see his parents always fighting and arguing. Once that was determined, I moved back in with my mother and we started sharing time with our son evenly. This was a hard point in my life because I’ve spent most of my adult life with my now ex-husband. Reality hit me most during Thanksgiving because this was my first Thanksgiving in a long time, without him.
December – My family, which includes, my mother”s side, my father’s side and my in-laws really stepped up to the plate and where there for my entire family. While this transition was really hard on me, it was equally as hard on my ex-husband. But even harder on my son because since even before he was conceived his parents were always together. My family has really made me and my son feel so loved. And my mother-in-law has really helped out my ex-husband.

So while my life may not be perfect, and while I may have had so much shit happen that brings me down, I look around me and I realize that I am truly lucky, because 2010 was the BEST year I have ever had. Even writing these blogs is a blessing in disguise, because of these blogs my friends have been able to better connect with me, and get to know me on a more personal level. Because of my blogs, I have made life long friends that have helped and supported me through all the tough times in my life. Whenever I read my old blogs, it seems like it was years ago, and I remember all the crap going on. Reading my old blogs, I realize how strong and blessed I am, because if anyone had been in my shoes, I wouldn’t be here.

Thank you 2010, you were a pain in my ass, but I love you. To many more wonderful years.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

 

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10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you say my name
I hate that my son looks just like you.
I hate it when shave your mane.
I hate your big fat ugly heart
I hate the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.

I hate that sometimes I miss you so much
That I cry myself to sleep at night.
I hate it when you lie to me
Or try to prove me wrong.
I hate it when you make me laugh acting as if everything’s alright.

I hate it when you’re not around
To see the cute things your son could do.
I hate that thru all the bull shit and drama you’re still a good father
I hate it when you say you were a good husband, because you truly had your flaws.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all

♥Signed by my cell phone. Great minds are created everywhere.♡

©Referenced by the movie “10 Things I Hate About You”

I Do, I Don’t

Little by little the world is starting to come to terms with me begin single.

Whether its my friends who all of a sudden wanna hang out all the time.

Or my family, who is accepting the fact that I’m single.

Or maybe even my son, who is finally putting the pieces together that mami/daddy are no longer together.

While it may have been heart breaking at first to realize that for the first time in 6 years, I was going to be ALONE, it is quite possibly the best decision me and Harts did.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still love him.

Before we dated he was my best friend, I went to him for everything. I gave him my heart and everything in between. We started a family together, and we had 2 homes that we build from the ground up (not literally). And he gave me the greatest, biggest, most wonderful gift anyone can give me, and that’s OUR son. OUR son is my world. And for that, I will never be able to thank him enough.

But you know how you could have all the love in the world for someone, and still feel that you’re not right for each other? That was us. We loved each other, but in our case, love wasn’t enough to keep us together. We tried,..oh boy did we try! But it wasn’t working. Like I said before, we were not the “perfect couple” we had our issues just like all other couples, but we always knew how to work them out, even if it was just temporary.

Eventually, it became too much to handle for the both of us. And now, we’re not together!

At first I was miserable. I thought my life was over. But each day, it grew easier and easier to come to terms with all my emotions that I was feeling. To come to terms with the fact that we wouldn’t be together. I knew in my heart, that this is what was meant to happen. The way I look at it, it’s better that it happened now, while we’re both still young, still attractive, and still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. Our future doesn’t end at this very moment.

Me and Harts are always going to have that special bond that no one can take away from us, and that’s our son. So if we happen to find love somewhere else, than that’s great! If we fall back in love with each other, great! But for right now, I’m going to do me.

The point of this blog wasn’t to tell you how happy I am without Harts. It was more of the epiphany I had.


I was talking to one of my friends, and I’m very vague about why we broke up (mainly because it’s no one’s business), and he asked me “At least you can find love again, and be happy with the next person you marry.”

When he said that, I realized, I don’t ever plan on getting married again. They always say, “don’t knock it ’til you try it.” Well I tried it, and I’m knocking it.

Hear me out.

When we first got together, and began dating everything was perfect. We still had our issues, but we both knew what we were getting ourselves into. We were both still individuals but a couple as well. And while I had some major flaws, he felt that he could be the one guy to change me. My mistake, was thinking that he could be the one guy to change me too. That’s where I fucked up. Part of me wishes I figured it out before it was too late, before somebody got hurt. 😦

For a while being married, worked, but then I started realizing that I was happy being me. But being me, wasn’t ready for a relationship. At this point it was too late, cuz I was married. We tried to make it work, but marriage isn’t for me.

Once you live with someone, everything changes. You start seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly of a person. And I guess I just wasn’t ready for that. But than I also started realizing, that I don’t think marriage will ever be for me. I don’t think I can be 100% happy living with someone and letting them control my life.

I miss the cold nights where I had an automatic person to cuddle with, I miss being able to kiss someone goodnight, or good morning. I do miss being in a relationship, but more for the companion.
And again, I realized, that just because I wanted a companion doesn’t mean I want a life long partner.

I never thought I’d be the person to marry multiple times. I always figured I’d marry once and that’s it. And I’m sticking to it.

I got married, it was a great run, but I can’t see myself doing it again!

I can’t see myself committed to being with just one person for the rest of my life.

I used to imagine myself with Harts forever, but now that I see how quickly a marriage can end, I don’t want to have to go thru this break up and heart ache again.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

A Mom is a Mom Until, She’s Not

Is it bad that I crack up when people say, they are embarrassed by there moms?

On this particular day, I was doing grocery shopping and I was texting my mom asking if she needed anything. (My mom has actually been in the mobile world for awhile so that’s not a surprise to anyone.) We have regular conversations via texts, but this day, for some reason, I could not understand a word she was saying. She was using text abbreviations and writing ways how they sounded and not actually spelt. I was so annoyed that I finally just gave up and called her. After we got off the phone I reread her texts, and it all made sense. And I realized that the reason I didn’t understand her was because I’m not used to speaking to my MOM like this. I’m used to texting my friends but not my mom!

I guess I’m not the only one that feels that their moms should not be texting/speaking in a certain way.

My friend just posted on her bbm status “My mom just said tipsy -__-”

My other friend posted on Facebook “Whoever taught my mom to text should get shot”

On twitter someone posted, “My mom actually knew the words to this song.”

There was even a trending topic on twitter labeled #ifmymomhadtwitter –basically saying that moms shouldn’t be allowed to have a twitter account.

It is soo hard to imagine our moms as human! We go all of our lives looking up to them, and expecting them to know the answer to everything, that we seem to forget that, before they had us, they were people to.

I’m sure my mom hated her parents, disrespected them, and even more was embarrassed by them as well.

It cracks me up even more so because now I’m a mom. How long is it going to be before my son starts becoming embarrassed of me?

Is he going to be embarrassed by the way I talk, dress, look? Is he going to think “you’re not mom enough” is he going to wanna trade me for a better “mom”?”

Oh man, I remember all these thoughts, and even now, when my mom is way older than me and I’m way older than a teenager, she still manages to embarrass me, but that’s because I forget that she’s human too. She’s allowed to have a life outside of motherhood.

So I’ve shown you my examples of my mom embarrassing me, now I MUST know how your mom has embarrassed you,..

♥Signed by my cell phone. Great minds are created everywhere.♡