Archive for December, 2011

New Year, And I’m Still ME!

I guess this is kind of a cliche; writing a blog at the end of the year talking about all my experiences and what’s going to change and what’s not. So I guess this blog should just be a Charlie Brown moment ‘wah wah wah wah wah’

This isn’t about what I failed to do, and how I can be a ‘new’ me. Why? Because I’m happy with the person I’ve become. I’m so proud of the woman I am, and I am 100% in love with myself. I love my life, and my son, and everything I do, benefits both of us.

This year, I’ve discovered what a strong person I really am. I learned how to put my pride aside, and I’ve become a better woman for that. This year, I went through a tough break up, and I went on a mission trying to find myself. I learned that its ok to ask for help from your loved ones, and its ok to accept the help and not be ashamed. I learned that its ok to be myself and accept if not everyone agrees with it. But most of all I’ve learned that my family and close friends, are always going to be there for me.

For 2012, I’m going to realize things, sooner rather than later. It took me a long time to be proud of who I am. I always felt like someone defined me, and that’s not the case. I define myself.

So ill admit, I’m not perfect, nor do I ever want to be, but I’ve learned to respect myself, how to love myself, and most of all how to love others. And these are all things I’ve never done before.

For the last couple of weeks, on and off, I’ve been moody, for different reasons. And it took me talking to my spiritual director, to realize what I already knew. God is the one person that will never disappoint me and He will never leave my side. I know many people get thrown off guard with how in-depth I am with my faith, but that’s a BIG part of who I am, and its hard to not be that person.

So for 2012, I promise never to forget God’s love for me. I promise to appreciate Him in my life. And I promise that I will live the life He wants me to live instead of me trying to convince Him that He’s wrong!

Here you go God, hit me with your best shot, I’m ready for anything you give me.

Happy New Year

The Little Things

I’ve been working so much, that lately, a simple picture of me and my son brings me to tears, because I miss him so much.

He is so sarcastic and I love it.

Today being Christmas (or after Christmas depending when I post this) I’m remembering all the things me and my son did together to prepare for the holiday. I took him to see Santa and he surprised me with how smart he was. He made sure to tell me on the train, “Mami, when I’m talking to Santa, you don’t talk to him. I tell him that I wasn Optimus prime and Bumblebee. Not you! Ok!!” He did this with the head bob and finger swag. I laugh at him, because even though he has his daddy’s face, he has my personality. I promised my big boy, that I wouldn’t talk to Santa. I never realized how hard of a task that was going to be, because I wanted to make sure Santa got the right message, but my son, definitely made me proud. I even cried when Santa asked me if he was a good boy. Of course, my smart ass son told him “Don’t talk to my mami.” Haa. But just as a reassurance he also asked Santa, “Santa, if you’re the real Santa, where are your reindeers?” Mind you, I was still tearing from answering Santa’s question, and I was laughing when I heard my son’s. How did this little boy get so smart.

Me and Harts are on good terms when it comes to our son, we talk all the time, in regards to our son. Very rarely we speak of our personal lives, but we know we’re there for each other, but nonetheless, we’re tlaking and we’re explaining our Santa stories. I told him mine, and he told me his. Our son had gone to see Santa by Daddy’s house, and he asked Santa “Why don’t you look like the same Santa I saw with my mami?” Where does this little boy get these thoughts in his head? He is too funny.

Harts agrees though, he is definitely both of our kid. My personality, and his face. Lol.

This little boy has my heart. He IS my heart. Whenever I get home and I see his beautiful face I cry because I missed so much of his day, but I know that he loves and misses me as much as I love and miss him.

Of course, my son got spoiled for Christmas. The tree was full of gifts for him and for my niece, because of course, the holidays are for the kids right? I made sure to get him Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, because my job as Santa Clause is to make sure that he gets rewarded for his nice behavior. The adults always do Secret Santa, and we make sure to go all out for each other because we’re only getting one gift as opposed to a lot for everyone. The adults went first to open gifts, and I got my Sephora makeup kit with matching brushes, which it is what I wanted, cuz I’ve turned into this girly girl I barely recongize sometimes. After the last person went (my sister) the kids started getting there gifts. My son unwraps a present, and my niece unwraps one as well, and then my cousin gives my son a present and my son gives it to me, and the second I saw my son walking towards me with it, my heart melted.

I tried to see who it was for, and he looked at me and said “Silly mami, its for you. Its from your baby.” I hugged him, and kissed him, and honestly I couldn’t help but cry. My son loved me, and wanted to make sure I had something under the tree. The fact that I was on his mind, makes me appreciate his love more than ever. I opened it and it was a shirt. Its the best shirt I will ever own in my closet because my son got it for me. It really threw me off guard to get something from him, and it really threw me off guard that he understood what something from him would mean to me.

It kills me slowly inside everyday that he’s getting so big. I love this little boy so much, that I hate leaving him everyday. But he understand mami has to work. He understands that no one will ever take my love away from him. He understands that I’m his mother. He knows that I’m his and that he’s mine and nothing will change that, and no one will come between us ever.

Being a mother, is the greatest gift of all time. When I was 19, it was scary because I didn’t even understand myself. When I was 20/21 I felt he was holding me back from living my life. And now, at 23, I understand that he wasn’t holding me back, he was allwing me to grow with him, and to appreciate the little things.

He is the smallest person in the world to me, yet he holds the biggest part of my heart all to himself.

A Year Later

On my brother-in-law’s 30th birthday, I made an appearence, but I didn’t stay. I stormed out of the party early, because me and my husband had broken up over the phone. I was too pissed to enjoy the party, and during the course of the week, we spent trying to make it work, sleeping in different sections of the house, not talking to each other for periods at a time, until eventually, I caved and slept at my sister’s house.

This was the first Thanksgiving I had spent without my husband, the first time I had slept without him or made decisions without him. We had a wedding to go as a couple, and we weren’t together anymore, so what was I supposed to do now? This is my first time back at church on a regular basis, my first visit to Santa without him. There were a lot of first that were happening in such a short period of time, and it was scary for me.

At 17 years old I was in a relationship with this man, and I had been with him since. I was 22 and didn’t really know how to have a life outside of me and Harts. Everything was always us together, and all of this was new to me.

Here I was 22, with a 2 year old, nowhere to go and no money since I had no job. It was time to start adjusting to life as an independent woman!! I moved in with my mom, went to school to get my GED, found a job, my life was looking up. I was dating more, I started hanging out with my friends more, life was great for me and my son. Me and Harts seldom got into arguments, our son knew both his parents, and loved us equally. I even went on vacation for the first time by myself. This being independent lifestyle was really doing me good.

Even when me and Harts got into a massive argument that went months of no communication with each other, life was still good. Again, my dating life was finally starting to hit off, I had forgotten what it felt like to feel pretty. Oh that’s another thing I forgot to mention, I lost soooooo much weight when me and Harts broke up. It was probably all the stress, and the fact that now I had someone to impress; myself.

Even with my blogs, I went on major emo mode with everyone. I deleted a lot of people on facebook, I blocked people on twitter, I wanted nothing to do with Harts and my aunt, his new girlfriend. I wanted none of her family members on my page, passing messages along about things that I say, and have them interpret it as something about them. I was just ready to move on, and if that meant going completely AWOL on my father’s side of the family, I had no problem doing so…afterall…I survived 22 years without them in my life, I didn’t really need them for the next 22 either right?

I’ve gone thru the phase in my life, where I really needed to find myself. I was 22 years old, and living in my ex-husband’s image. I was still depending on my mom, and my son needed HIS mom to figure herself out. So that’s exactly what I did.

I have an amazing man in my life, an adorable son, and focused fully on myself. My life is definietly looking up, and nothing is going to hold me back.

I’ve recently readded all the ‘family’ on facebook because as of right now, the only person I am looking to please, is myself. I can’t promise tomorrow, but I promise tonight 😉

Reflection

I’ve always believed myself to be a spiritual person. I actually see the best in most people. I think that’s a great trait in a person, and especially one that I love in myself.

Yes we all have our evil side, yes sometimes we wish we can be better, but you just gotta take life as it comes. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen in my life, as well as some good shit. Everything has always balanced out for me, and I’m thankful that I am a strong person.

The holiday seasons are right around the corner, my love for everything has increased so much more and my patience has grown so much more as well.

For some reason, today, out of all days, I feel inspired to write. If you look at the date, Decemeber 19th, it reminds me of 2 years ago to date. My house caught fire, and I lost everything. People who have didn’t even know me, helped me out and reached out to me and donated small things. Those small things made a big difference to someone who had nothing. I cried tears of joy because life finally made sense. After the fire, everything was looking up for me. Everything started falling into place. I was blessed at 21, to understand the generosity and love of strangers. And now, 2 years later, I can be that person to someone else.

I chose my profession to work in customer service 6 years ago, because I felt that I could change someone’s life. Whether it was with a smile or just by simply helping them by answering a question. What people don’t realze, or what we fail to understand, is that humans are simple folks. It takes only one person to change a life.

Today at my job, a lady came in to and I saw her crying. I asked her how I could help her, and she kept refusing my help. Its 30 degrees outside, and she had a small bag. She said this was her first time in New York and that she had flown in from Florida. She was sad because she sold her car, in which she was living in for a month, to come to NY to realize that the living expenses were far greater than the $1000 she had in her pocket. I gave her a nice cup of hot chocolate and some tissues, and she poured her heart out to me. She flew to NY on a wim because she was tired of failing her life in Flordia, she was just unsure of what her next step in life would be. I offered her some food, and fresh towels, and when she left, I started looking online for some afforable temporary living arrangements for her. I printed out almost 50 pages online, of shelters, homes, hostels she could stay in that provided food for her as well. I printed out some ads online for places that hired right on the spot. I called her, and I asked if she had eaten yet, and she said no, so I offered her half of my lunch that I bought from home, and I gave her the pamplet. I’m sure she didn’t want everyone in her business so I bought her to the side and explained all the options she had while she was out here, and not to be ashamed of asking for help. I gave her access to the wifi that my job provides, and I even extended her stay by a few hours. Those tears of sadness and the feeling of being overwhelmed, quickly transformed into tears of gratitude and appreciation.

Seeing her tears broke my heart, and I felt the need to console her. I wanted to reach out to her and tell her that everything was going to be ok. She looked at me and cried and said thank you.

Sometimes a simple thank you is everything you need.

It reminded me to be humble in my life, to not take the little things for granted, and to appreciate all the little things. It bought me back to the fire, when I was forced to be humble and I was forced to ask for help.

its the little things in life that remind you how important your life really is….

Ttyl ❤