Skype

I’m in this world where nothing can go wrong, but nothing can go right.

Where nothing seems to make sense, but everything makes sense at the same time.

 

I turn the corner and I’m lost, but i’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

 

It is night time and I lay awake looking into the dark wintery night hoping we’re both looking at the same star. Imagine if we were? What would he be trying to tell me?

The sun comes and goes and my heart feels sore because it seems I can’t get him off my mind, and I look at my phone waiting for his text. And just as I wanted, there it was. “I miss you babe.” And just like a teenage school girl talking to her high school crush, my face turns a bright pink, not quite there, but almost! And almost naturally, I reply “I wanna Skpe with you.”

Upon sending that last text, I realized how ridicolous I must’ve sounded. I mean, who webcams anymore? The last time I even heard of someone using webcam to chat, was during my high school years. I guess it fit the situation, because I think of me and him, I think of a love struck high school teenage girl. He laughed at me and said one of his normal witty remarks, overall asking me why. One thing I love about our conversations is my ability to be honest with him, “because I miss you, and I want to be with you right now and since I don’t have facetime, skpe is the next best thing to having you right next to me.”

And he agreed!

I didn’t think he would go for it, but he did. I started scurrying looking for my laptop and my charger, only God knows how long it’s been since I’ve even used my laptop. I turned on my laptop and tried to sign onto Skpe, and of course I forgot my password. I cannot believe I was actually going through with this. Part of me was only joking, but since he agreed, might as well follow through before he changed his mind. I don’t really need to Skpe with him, I talk to him all the time whether by text or calling each other.

We both finally log on and I see him and my heart starts skipping beats. I see him all the time, yet here I was excited to see him on a day I wasn’t meant to. The sound of his voice bought chills to me and I was happy. I had been happy all day, but this just made my day even better. We were both getting ready for bed, and it felt nice seeing his face while listening to his voice.

After about an hour into our conversation, we both agreed it was nice to see each other in our home settings, but at the same time, it was horrible. It felt as if he was so close yet so far away. I see him laying down on a bed where I’m always laying down with him. I see him laying down and it makes me miss laying down on his chest listening to his heart beat and falling asleep to his rhymic breathing, it makes me want to cuddle up to his embrace even more. Ok! So maybe Skpe wasn’t a good idea. Maybe just his voice would’ve been enough. But it’s too late to turn back now, I’ve already invested an hour of having him in my prescence that I didn’t want to lose him now. It seems like he was reading my mind, because he said the same thing I was thinking, seeing me made him miss me even more because he couldn’t hold me as badly as I wanted him to hold me. And we started a new topic of conversation!

Imagine how military people must feel?

I get to see this man, basically whenever I want to. He is literally only a text or phone call away from me. I had just seen him the day before and I’d probably get to see him the next day too, and here I was missing him like crazy. The army wives and army husbands who rarewly get the opportunity to see their significant others, must go insane! The few minutes they spend on skype, to hear their voices and to miss their embrace. and not to be sure when they get to have it all in real life again, mist be exteremly hard on the,. I had all night to talk to him and to miss him, but they go through this all the time. The goodbyes must be the worst for them. Every night I say goodnight, knowing I’m going to talk to him tomorrow, knowing that eventually I’m going to see him, and even on this particular random night that we sponteously decided to skype, I couldn’t bare to say goodbye to this man. And it made me sad.

Imagine how awful these army wives and husbands must feel. They tryt to put a brave front as to not make their signigicant others sad, but they second they log off, the tears start emerging from their eyes.

I could never imagine that feeling

 

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Tattoo Your Name On Me

I don’t know what it is about me and having a tendacy of over-analyzing a situation, but its what makes me me.

When I got married 4 years ago, I was hesistant to take Harts name, because I didn’t want to be known as ‘his’ but as my own person. Relunctaly, I took his last name either way. I knew it would offend my newlywed husband if I still kept my name, so to make him happy, I took his name. My best friend still lived in New York at the time of this, she was there at the wedding etc.

One day, my best friend came over to my house, and said she wanted to get her tattoo. I didn’t even know she had a tattoo in the first place that she wanted to get another one (we had a falling out for about a year). As to not feel left out, I decided I would join her in getting a tattoo. I decided that this tattoo would be for my then husband, and I would tat his last name on my back. This was my way of showing him I was commited.

They say once you get a tattoo, you’re addicted to it and want to get another one. Within 3 months I got 3 tattoos. I added on to my husband’s name because it was really boring, just sitting on my back all alone, so I decided to add the pisces symbol around it. I loved my tattoos for a long time. Once things started not looking up in my relationship, I wanted to cover up my tattoo. I knew that I would eventually change my name, and I needed this to change ASAP. Granted, it is my son’s name, but I already have a tattoo dedicated to my son, there was no justifying my husband’s last name anymore, especially when I don’t even like the name.

I went with a friend to a tattoo parlor to price check and check out artist, and I showed her my tattoo and if there was a way to cover up this tattoo and how much it would cost me. I thought I was going to have to cover up the name and the pisces, and for months I had been looking for tattoos to cover it up. Every tattoo I liked, was huge or just not a style I would want on me forever. And finally this artist explained to me, that she could cover up his name and keep the pisces symbol and if anything make them pop a little more. I jumped with excitment, because things were finally looking up, I no longer had to have my ex-husband’s name on me.

At work, I wear a suit. For a while I bought my own suit which was fitted for my liking, until I finally got my uniform. The shirt was shorter than I anticipated, and the pants longer. With my suit, no one even knew I had tattoos. I have one on the back of my neck, and I have my pisces’ tat on my lower back (not a tramp stamp though). Whenever I would bend down, suddenly, my lower back tattoo would be exposed, and people would read HIS name outloud. It would frustrate me, because, here I am moving forward with my life, and this tattoo was holding me prisoner to my past life. While I don’t regret the moments between me and Harts, I don’t want to be reminded of it, when he’s not a part of my life anymore.

I figured, I needed a change. No more shit talking! This tattoo had to come off one way or another.

And so, I went to the tattoo parlor, and I decided, it was now or never. I needed to make SOME changes in my life. This could only bring good things in life to me. Even if it just means covering up a tattoo.

I did it.

I finally got that tattoo covered up.

It may not mean much to everyone, but to me, I’m finally moving forward, especially when I felt so stuck.

My first tattoo fo the New Year, means, me finally moving on from the last 4 yeas of my life.

Changes to Changing

For half of my life I have had the same best friend. We met when we were 12 years old, and this year we’re both turning 24, so yeah, half our lives, we’ve been together. This is the same best friend that lives in Georgia.

Granted we live miles and miles away from each other, me and her always remember our roots. We each remember that we made each other, and that we both love each other no matter what our zip code is. At least twice a year she comes to visit us back here in New York. For those few days that she’s here, she’s mine. All my free time is dedicated to her and vice versa. We spend all of our times with each other’s family, well you get the point.

Every time we’re together, we always go out drinking, dancing, smoking etc. Whenever we’re together it’s like no time has ever gone by. We still love each other the same, and we treat each other the same. True love never disappears, and with her? that’s all we have, true love.

I guess I never really sat down and realized how much time has passed between us. When we’re together, we still act like we’re in middle school, we always bring up high school memories, and we are always loud little spanish girls that use to gossip about nothing but the boys in our lives.

This week we’re hanging out, and on this particular night, we went out with a friend from our old high school, so of course, we’re mentioning all the ‘good times’ and we’re walking down memory lane, and it brings me back to the great times, when we had nothing to worry about except going to school and making friends. This particular night, we were hanging out, and the scenario was the same as always, me and her, feeling a little nice, and at that moment, it’s when I realized that me and her are two completely different people. She’s the girl who always has to have an answer and plan for everything. I’m the type of girl that doesn’t mind living the crazy, spontaneous life. She worry a lot about what others are going to think, and she also thinks about the consequences of everything. As opposed to me? I live for no one but me and my son, and quite frankly, everyone else’s opinions about me are completely irrelevant to where I stand in my life. Even her relationship with her family is way different from my relationship. I guess I kind of envy that, but then again, me and her are in two different places in our lives.

And it makes me wonder, how me and her are such great friends when the only thing we truly have in common is the fact that we went to the same ‘primary’ educational schools. But then because of how different we both are from each other, it allows us to be that much more alike and allows us to love each other so much more. It gives us room to be ourselves and understand others as well. This girl is forever my best friend, and forever my sister.

I’m not good with change. I’m not good at not understanding what’s going on, and being with my best friend this week, it really has shown me that no matter what, we’re both going to change in our own way. It’s up to us to keep some things the same. Sometimes change can be a good thing, it’s all a matter of how we decide to execute it to really matter.

New Year, And I’m Still ME!

I guess this is kind of a cliche; writing a blog at the end of the year talking about all my experiences and what’s going to change and what’s not. So I guess this blog should just be a Charlie Brown moment ‘wah wah wah wah wah’

This isn’t about what I failed to do, and how I can be a ‘new’ me. Why? Because I’m happy with the person I’ve become. I’m so proud of the woman I am, and I am 100% in love with myself. I love my life, and my son, and everything I do, benefits both of us.

This year, I’ve discovered what a strong person I really am. I learned how to put my pride aside, and I’ve become a better woman for that. This year, I went through a tough break up, and I went on a mission trying to find myself. I learned that its ok to ask for help from your loved ones, and its ok to accept the help and not be ashamed. I learned that its ok to be myself and accept if not everyone agrees with it. But most of all I’ve learned that my family and close friends, are always going to be there for me.

For 2012, I’m going to realize things, sooner rather than later. It took me a long time to be proud of who I am. I always felt like someone defined me, and that’s not the case. I define myself.

So ill admit, I’m not perfect, nor do I ever want to be, but I’ve learned to respect myself, how to love myself, and most of all how to love others. And these are all things I’ve never done before.

For the last couple of weeks, on and off, I’ve been moody, for different reasons. And it took me talking to my spiritual director, to realize what I already knew. God is the one person that will never disappoint me and He will never leave my side. I know many people get thrown off guard with how in-depth I am with my faith, but that’s a BIG part of who I am, and its hard to not be that person.

So for 2012, I promise never to forget God’s love for me. I promise to appreciate Him in my life. And I promise that I will live the life He wants me to live instead of me trying to convince Him that He’s wrong!

Here you go God, hit me with your best shot, I’m ready for anything you give me.

Happy New Year

The Little Things

I’ve been working so much, that lately, a simple picture of me and my son brings me to tears, because I miss him so much.

He is so sarcastic and I love it.

Today being Christmas (or after Christmas depending when I post this) I’m remembering all the things me and my son did together to prepare for the holiday. I took him to see Santa and he surprised me with how smart he was. He made sure to tell me on the train, “Mami, when I’m talking to Santa, you don’t talk to him. I tell him that I wasn Optimus prime and Bumblebee. Not you! Ok!!” He did this with the head bob and finger swag. I laugh at him, because even though he has his daddy’s face, he has my personality. I promised my big boy, that I wouldn’t talk to Santa. I never realized how hard of a task that was going to be, because I wanted to make sure Santa got the right message, but my son, definitely made me proud. I even cried when Santa asked me if he was a good boy. Of course, my smart ass son told him “Don’t talk to my mami.” Haa. But just as a reassurance he also asked Santa, “Santa, if you’re the real Santa, where are your reindeers?” Mind you, I was still tearing from answering Santa’s question, and I was laughing when I heard my son’s. How did this little boy get so smart.

Me and Harts are on good terms when it comes to our son, we talk all the time, in regards to our son. Very rarely we speak of our personal lives, but we know we’re there for each other, but nonetheless, we’re tlaking and we’re explaining our Santa stories. I told him mine, and he told me his. Our son had gone to see Santa by Daddy’s house, and he asked Santa “Why don’t you look like the same Santa I saw with my mami?” Where does this little boy get these thoughts in his head? He is too funny.

Harts agrees though, he is definitely both of our kid. My personality, and his face. Lol.

This little boy has my heart. He IS my heart. Whenever I get home and I see his beautiful face I cry because I missed so much of his day, but I know that he loves and misses me as much as I love and miss him.

Of course, my son got spoiled for Christmas. The tree was full of gifts for him and for my niece, because of course, the holidays are for the kids right? I made sure to get him Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, because my job as Santa Clause is to make sure that he gets rewarded for his nice behavior. The adults always do Secret Santa, and we make sure to go all out for each other because we’re only getting one gift as opposed to a lot for everyone. The adults went first to open gifts, and I got my Sephora makeup kit with matching brushes, which it is what I wanted, cuz I’ve turned into this girly girl I barely recongize sometimes. After the last person went (my sister) the kids started getting there gifts. My son unwraps a present, and my niece unwraps one as well, and then my cousin gives my son a present and my son gives it to me, and the second I saw my son walking towards me with it, my heart melted.

I tried to see who it was for, and he looked at me and said “Silly mami, its for you. Its from your baby.” I hugged him, and kissed him, and honestly I couldn’t help but cry. My son loved me, and wanted to make sure I had something under the tree. The fact that I was on his mind, makes me appreciate his love more than ever. I opened it and it was a shirt. Its the best shirt I will ever own in my closet because my son got it for me. It really threw me off guard to get something from him, and it really threw me off guard that he understood what something from him would mean to me.

It kills me slowly inside everyday that he’s getting so big. I love this little boy so much, that I hate leaving him everyday. But he understand mami has to work. He understands that no one will ever take my love away from him. He understands that I’m his mother. He knows that I’m his and that he’s mine and nothing will change that, and no one will come between us ever.

Being a mother, is the greatest gift of all time. When I was 19, it was scary because I didn’t even understand myself. When I was 20/21 I felt he was holding me back from living my life. And now, at 23, I understand that he wasn’t holding me back, he was allwing me to grow with him, and to appreciate the little things.

He is the smallest person in the world to me, yet he holds the biggest part of my heart all to himself.

A Year Later

On my brother-in-law’s 30th birthday, I made an appearence, but I didn’t stay. I stormed out of the party early, because me and my husband had broken up over the phone. I was too pissed to enjoy the party, and during the course of the week, we spent trying to make it work, sleeping in different sections of the house, not talking to each other for periods at a time, until eventually, I caved and slept at my sister’s house.

This was the first Thanksgiving I had spent without my husband, the first time I had slept without him or made decisions without him. We had a wedding to go as a couple, and we weren’t together anymore, so what was I supposed to do now? This is my first time back at church on a regular basis, my first visit to Santa without him. There were a lot of first that were happening in such a short period of time, and it was scary for me.

At 17 years old I was in a relationship with this man, and I had been with him since. I was 22 and didn’t really know how to have a life outside of me and Harts. Everything was always us together, and all of this was new to me.

Here I was 22, with a 2 year old, nowhere to go and no money since I had no job. It was time to start adjusting to life as an independent woman!! I moved in with my mom, went to school to get my GED, found a job, my life was looking up. I was dating more, I started hanging out with my friends more, life was great for me and my son. Me and Harts seldom got into arguments, our son knew both his parents, and loved us equally. I even went on vacation for the first time by myself. This being independent lifestyle was really doing me good.

Even when me and Harts got into a massive argument that went months of no communication with each other, life was still good. Again, my dating life was finally starting to hit off, I had forgotten what it felt like to feel pretty. Oh that’s another thing I forgot to mention, I lost soooooo much weight when me and Harts broke up. It was probably all the stress, and the fact that now I had someone to impress; myself.

Even with my blogs, I went on major emo mode with everyone. I deleted a lot of people on facebook, I blocked people on twitter, I wanted nothing to do with Harts and my aunt, his new girlfriend. I wanted none of her family members on my page, passing messages along about things that I say, and have them interpret it as something about them. I was just ready to move on, and if that meant going completely AWOL on my father’s side of the family, I had no problem doing so…afterall…I survived 22 years without them in my life, I didn’t really need them for the next 22 either right?

I’ve gone thru the phase in my life, where I really needed to find myself. I was 22 years old, and living in my ex-husband’s image. I was still depending on my mom, and my son needed HIS mom to figure herself out. So that’s exactly what I did.

I have an amazing man in my life, an adorable son, and focused fully on myself. My life is definietly looking up, and nothing is going to hold me back.

I’ve recently readded all the ‘family’ on facebook because as of right now, the only person I am looking to please, is myself. I can’t promise tomorrow, but I promise tonight 😉

Reflection

I’ve always believed myself to be a spiritual person. I actually see the best in most people. I think that’s a great trait in a person, and especially one that I love in myself.

Yes we all have our evil side, yes sometimes we wish we can be better, but you just gotta take life as it comes. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen in my life, as well as some good shit. Everything has always balanced out for me, and I’m thankful that I am a strong person.

The holiday seasons are right around the corner, my love for everything has increased so much more and my patience has grown so much more as well.

For some reason, today, out of all days, I feel inspired to write. If you look at the date, Decemeber 19th, it reminds me of 2 years ago to date. My house caught fire, and I lost everything. People who have didn’t even know me, helped me out and reached out to me and donated small things. Those small things made a big difference to someone who had nothing. I cried tears of joy because life finally made sense. After the fire, everything was looking up for me. Everything started falling into place. I was blessed at 21, to understand the generosity and love of strangers. And now, 2 years later, I can be that person to someone else.

I chose my profession to work in customer service 6 years ago, because I felt that I could change someone’s life. Whether it was with a smile or just by simply helping them by answering a question. What people don’t realze, or what we fail to understand, is that humans are simple folks. It takes only one person to change a life.

Today at my job, a lady came in to and I saw her crying. I asked her how I could help her, and she kept refusing my help. Its 30 degrees outside, and she had a small bag. She said this was her first time in New York and that she had flown in from Florida. She was sad because she sold her car, in which she was living in for a month, to come to NY to realize that the living expenses were far greater than the $1000 she had in her pocket. I gave her a nice cup of hot chocolate and some tissues, and she poured her heart out to me. She flew to NY on a wim because she was tired of failing her life in Flordia, she was just unsure of what her next step in life would be. I offered her some food, and fresh towels, and when she left, I started looking online for some afforable temporary living arrangements for her. I printed out almost 50 pages online, of shelters, homes, hostels she could stay in that provided food for her as well. I printed out some ads online for places that hired right on the spot. I called her, and I asked if she had eaten yet, and she said no, so I offered her half of my lunch that I bought from home, and I gave her the pamplet. I’m sure she didn’t want everyone in her business so I bought her to the side and explained all the options she had while she was out here, and not to be ashamed of asking for help. I gave her access to the wifi that my job provides, and I even extended her stay by a few hours. Those tears of sadness and the feeling of being overwhelmed, quickly transformed into tears of gratitude and appreciation.

Seeing her tears broke my heart, and I felt the need to console her. I wanted to reach out to her and tell her that everything was going to be ok. She looked at me and cried and said thank you.

Sometimes a simple thank you is everything you need.

It reminded me to be humble in my life, to not take the little things for granted, and to appreciate all the little things. It bought me back to the fire, when I was forced to be humble and I was forced to ask for help.

its the little things in life that remind you how important your life really is….

Ttyl ❤