Posts tagged ‘divorce’

Nadyne Harts No More

I haven’t written in a long ass time. There have been many reasons for it. The main reason was because I didn’t want people in my life anymore. I was tired of people reading my blogs hoping to get some sort of information out of it, that eventually I just gave up.

Almost 2 years later, my life has changed so much. My son is 4 years old and is starting prek which is crazy. I don’t feel old enough to have a kid going to school. He went to day care, head start, but those were programs preparing him for school, and now here he is, my big boy, starting school in a few days. The funny thing is that I look at him, and see the boy i used to carry, the boy who needed me for everything. I reflect on the last 4 years of my life, and wish i had him back then, with the knowledge and wisdom that i have now. But either way, my son is amazing. He is the true love of my life and no one can replace that love for him. I just can’t believe he’s getting so big.

2 years ago, i remember writing my blog about my older sister giving birth to my niece. We just celebrated her birthday and its crazy how big she is. Its crazy how much time has passed since she was in my sister’s belly. Whenever she sees me, she runs up to me and waves, hi Tia, she’ll tell me. I ask for a kiss and she gives me her forehead, as if this is the designated area permitted for kisses.

Oh and seeing her and my son together? Absolutely magical. We’ve been going to alot of family events where my other cousins see the two of them together. My niece? She’s a fiesty one. She’s always beating up on the other kids. Its cute! It actually makes me smile because our kids are so much like us that all of us have been going down memory lane. Retelling the stories that we had when we were kids. The fights we got into. The memories we shared, especially of us in El Salvador.

I can truly sit here writing this, and tell you, that the last 2 years of my life have truly been the journey.

I feel the turning point for me is always when i met my father’s side of the family. I’ve gotten closer to my own family, closer to my dad and brother. I’ve made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I’ve rediscovered myself in ways that should’ve happened before i turned 21.

My life has not been perfect, i do not lead a perfect life, but the people in my life have made me believe i lead a perfect life.

Getting closer to my family is something i definitely have to give my boyfriend credit to. Yes, in the last 2 years i have found a boyfriend who i am completely and utterly in love with. Being with him puts some justifications in my life, because i see things now that i didn’t see before. I have been with him for over a year now, and they always say the first year is the hardest right? We have been up and down with each other, but even being down, i know we can always bring ourselves up again. He’s an amazing role model for my son. My son adores, respects, admires and loves him like he would his own father. And I have learned to accept another man in my life. I have learned the true meaning of love, the true meaning of being IN love.

Me & my son’s father? He isn’t even worth a paragraph in my life, but he’s there. On my own terms,i have always promised myself that i would make the effort to allow my son to have a father figure in his life. I am fortunate enough that he currently has two male figures who both love him. But my son’s father is not my first choice. It goes back to what i said earlier, about me wishing that i had my son with the knowledge that i have now. Had i known his father was going to turn out to be nothing of importance in anyone’s life including his own, than i wouldn’t of wasted my time. But just like everyone else he’s ever encountered, he manipulated me into believing he was better than all the rest. Do i love him? Do i ever think about me and him being together again? Does that possibly exist? Did i ever really love him? The answer to all of the above is not a positive answer. After being with my boyfriend now, after having had dated a little bit after my break up, i cannot sit here and tell you i was ever in love. There is no way in hell, what i felt, what we had, was love. Maybe my son will read this one day and be mad at me for never having loved his father, for not giving his father any form of respect or compassion, but truthfully? At 4 years old, my son knows and understand why me and his father don’t get along. We put up no form of a front, we say the few words we need to and move on with our day.

Let the record be stated, i have no regrets in life, my only regret is not being true to myself and losing out on some of the best friends i could’ve ever had. My only regret was living with a man THAT disgusting and especially for introducing him to my friends and family.and for those that he hurt, i apologize for not knowing better. For those he screwed over, I’m sorry i didn’t stop it and encouraged it. I really am!

I am so embarrassed by his actions that i refuse to acknowledge his name. I want to tell you all something you didn’t know about Harts Ortiz, and maybe its not a big deal for you but it is for me. MY son is not named after him. HE named himself that shortly after MY son was born. He always told people it was the other way around, but those that know me, know i would have never agreed to my son being named after anyone. Just in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t carry the name Harts for him, i do it for my son because i have never been prouder of him. And i just want the world to know that Harts Ortiz, even with his name and the origin of it, is a liar. Test my theory, ask him yourself. Ask him what his name was before Harts, i have 2 names that i remember, and no deadbeat or assface is not one of those.

But God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle right? He put that man in my life so i know how to appreciate and love in the future. I know that i want my son to be nothing like him, therefore making my job extra hard to act like mom and dad, but for my son? Its worth it. I know what i want in my man, and my man now, is more than i could have ever asked for. I never knew love felt this way. I hope that when I’m reading this again in 20 years, he would be by my side laughing with me and holding me in that way he does that hypnotizes me against the world. I learned the true value of having friends and family. I never realized how alone i was before. How me against the world i was. I was 22, why did I think the world was against me? Everything happens for a reason, one day we all find out what it was for.

5 years ago i was pregnant and i am just now starting to unravel the map called my life. Everything is slowly but surely falling into place, and i pray that i continue to find the meaning. I understand now that my bitterness was a way to keep myself closed off. I was on a relationship when i was 17 years old. I knew nothing about life about love. He never allowed me the chance to grow into my own woman, and now that i am, I’m loving and appreciating life more.

Until Next Time,

Hopefully not too soon but not to far away
Vanesa

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The Perfect Man

Many women wonder when the perfect guy is going to come to them. They wonder why it seems that all their friends have found happiness and they’re the only ones left to seek their Prince Charming.
But what does the “perfect man” consist of??
Us women, are complicated individuals. We can never make up our minds about anything. What I say today about my idea of the perfect may not be what I mean tomorrow, or the day after, or in a week, not even a month from now.

 

 

My Perfect Man

  • He must be taller than me in heels
  • He must have at least one child (so he understands me when I can’t “hang out” because it is my weekend with my son)
  • He must have a good job, that gives him no more than 40 hours because I want some “us” time
  • He must be latino
  • He must be OLDER than me (by more than a month)
  • He must have the perfect skin tone
  • He must treat me like I am HIS queen, so that I can treat him like he is MY king
  • He must get along with his family (not a momma’s boy, but a man who can call his mom just to say hi)
  • He must be a good sexual partner (after at least a month of dating exclusively)
  • If he is NOT believe in a religion, than respect my views of religion
  • Must respect my political views
  • Even though he will probably never meet my son until we are well into the relationship, he has to get along with kids. I will most likely take him to a place where I know kids will be, to see how he acts around them.
  • He cannot be cheap. Not saying I’m a gold digger, I don’t mind the occasional dates to McDonald’s or the Halal guy right outside, but going out every once in a while is always good.
  • He has to like cuddling and staying indoors and watching movies
  • He cannot get jealous if I’m going out with my girls (even though a little jealously is cute)
Ok, so you get the point. This is just MY list. Every woman’s list is much different, but that doesn’t mean to say we don’t know what we want. Just because we know what we want doesn’t mean that we’ll get it though. I can search high and low and I will never find a man who has all these qualities. But that’s not to say that there isn’t a man out there that doesn’t deserve my heart.
I must be the luckiest girl on the planet because I have been fortunately enough to find my “perfect man”
While he may not contain the qualities I want from my “typical” man, he is the one that has stolen my heart.

 

The Man For Me

  • He tells me he loves me every chance he gets
  • He loves to cuddle
  • He’ll watch whatever chick flick I want to watch, with occasionally watching his shows as well
  • He doesn’t chose sports over me
  • He kisses me every time, without me asking
  • He’ll call me when we’re not together, just to tell me he misses me
  • Whenever I’m happy, he’s happy
  • Whenever I’m sad he’s trying his best to make me happy
  • My family loves him
  • He understands why I go to church
  • He needs me just as much as I need him
  • He is extremely cute
  • He’s latino
  • He has an awesome personality
  • When we go on dates, everyone stares at him, but I know that at the end of the day, he’s coming home with me
  • He doesn’t have wandering eyes
  • I can hold any type of conversation with him
  • I treat him like he is my king and he treats me like I am his queen
  • He has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen
  • I know that one day he’ll be taller than me
  • He calls me mommy/mami
I have been enjoying my single life, and while sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again, I look at my life, and all those in it, and I realize that YES I WILL BE HAPPY. No one guy can define my happiness just because I want a guy. But the only man who matters has been in my life for over 3 years. He will worry about me just as much as I worry about him. And I know that he’ll never cheat on me, or deceive me, or leave me for another woman (at least until he finds out that girls make him ‘happy’) my baby boy will ALWAYS be my baby boy. Whether is he 3 or 13 or 30, he will always be the man who changed my life, he will always be the one that stole my heart, he will always be mine.

Until Next Time

NH<3

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No Differences

Ugghhhh!!!!

Ok, so maybe because my period is supposed to be coming tomorrow, or maybe because I’m finding a reason to be angry! I don’t know what the fuck the reason is, but my son’s father really aggravates the crap out of me.

The truth is I know him too well and it messes with my head. And it may not be a fair advantage to him. Or vice-versa.

Yesterday me and him got into an argument over random bullshit. Since me and him are going to be a part of each other’s life for AT LEAST the next 15 years, me and him are trying to figure out ways to talk to each other, without driving each other insane, but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way.

We have been together for 5 years and separate for 3 months, so in the 5 years that we were together, we have both found the loop holes to piss each other off. We both know how we both handle our anger, we both know how we choose to cool off. We both know each other better than we know ourselves sometimes.

And that’s what makes it so hard to like him sometimes.

It’s my fault though.

My entire adult life, I was with one person, and I grew comfortable to one person. I grew to be like him, I grew to know the ins and outs of him. I knew all his bad habits, I knew how he lied, and when he lied, and even more, when he would choose to lie. I know how he sleeps and gets out of the bed every morning. I know EVERYTHING about this guy. And that has its disadvantages.

Since we have been separated, I have taken the time to reflect on myself. To think about why my marriage has failed. I’m sure that he’s been doing the same thing too. And I know that I have changed myself to better myself as a person. I have taken a look at myself and realized, if my husband can’t stand me than I need to see what I can do to change. And while it has only been 3 months, I feel the change. But then when it comes to him again, the old me comes out and I feel the flames coming out of my ears.

So it has me thinking, I know I’ve changed, and even the people around me have seen the change, but to my husband, I will always be that same person. He’s not giving me the benefit of the doubt that these 3 months have made a difference.

Every time an argument starts it always starts with “But I KNOW you,…”

Maybe I don’t know him anymore. Maybe he’s a different person as well. I know he’s been going thru a lot of shit and I know that he needs my support, and I know that it brings the both of us stress that we can’t be there for each other. I just don’t know how to let go of the person that I used  to know and open up to the person that is supposed to be standing in front of me.

I don’t know how to let go of the bitch in me when I’m in front of him, as I’m sure he doesn’t know how to let go of the wall of defenses, when he’s in front of me.

Sometimes, I hate that the only thing I have is my blog to vent to. I love my friends, but talking to them is the worst. Because they always side with me. They always tell me that he’s an asshole, that he’s a jerk etc. No! Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. Sometimes I need a true friend to understand that I’m wrong too; not just him.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you say my name
I hate that my son looks just like you.
I hate it when shave your mane.
I hate your big fat ugly heart
I hate the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.

I hate that sometimes I miss you so much
That I cry myself to sleep at night.
I hate it when you lie to me
Or try to prove me wrong.
I hate it when you make me laugh acting as if everything’s alright.

I hate it when you’re not around
To see the cute things your son could do.
I hate that thru all the bull shit and drama you’re still a good father
I hate it when you say you were a good husband, because you truly had your flaws.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all

♥Signed by my cell phone. Great minds are created everywhere.♡

©Referenced by the movie “10 Things I Hate About You”

I Do, I Don’t

Little by little the world is starting to come to terms with me begin single.

Whether its my friends who all of a sudden wanna hang out all the time.

Or my family, who is accepting the fact that I’m single.

Or maybe even my son, who is finally putting the pieces together that mami/daddy are no longer together.

While it may have been heart breaking at first to realize that for the first time in 6 years, I was going to be ALONE, it is quite possibly the best decision me and Harts did.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still love him.

Before we dated he was my best friend, I went to him for everything. I gave him my heart and everything in between. We started a family together, and we had 2 homes that we build from the ground up (not literally). And he gave me the greatest, biggest, most wonderful gift anyone can give me, and that’s OUR son. OUR son is my world. And for that, I will never be able to thank him enough.

But you know how you could have all the love in the world for someone, and still feel that you’re not right for each other? That was us. We loved each other, but in our case, love wasn’t enough to keep us together. We tried,..oh boy did we try! But it wasn’t working. Like I said before, we were not the “perfect couple” we had our issues just like all other couples, but we always knew how to work them out, even if it was just temporary.

Eventually, it became too much to handle for the both of us. And now, we’re not together!

At first I was miserable. I thought my life was over. But each day, it grew easier and easier to come to terms with all my emotions that I was feeling. To come to terms with the fact that we wouldn’t be together. I knew in my heart, that this is what was meant to happen. The way I look at it, it’s better that it happened now, while we’re both still young, still attractive, and still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. Our future doesn’t end at this very moment.

Me and Harts are always going to have that special bond that no one can take away from us, and that’s our son. So if we happen to find love somewhere else, than that’s great! If we fall back in love with each other, great! But for right now, I’m going to do me.

The point of this blog wasn’t to tell you how happy I am without Harts. It was more of the epiphany I had.


I was talking to one of my friends, and I’m very vague about why we broke up (mainly because it’s no one’s business), and he asked me “At least you can find love again, and be happy with the next person you marry.”

When he said that, I realized, I don’t ever plan on getting married again. They always say, “don’t knock it ’til you try it.” Well I tried it, and I’m knocking it.

Hear me out.

When we first got together, and began dating everything was perfect. We still had our issues, but we both knew what we were getting ourselves into. We were both still individuals but a couple as well. And while I had some major flaws, he felt that he could be the one guy to change me. My mistake, was thinking that he could be the one guy to change me too. That’s where I fucked up. Part of me wishes I figured it out before it was too late, before somebody got hurt. 😦

For a while being married, worked, but then I started realizing that I was happy being me. But being me, wasn’t ready for a relationship. At this point it was too late, cuz I was married. We tried to make it work, but marriage isn’t for me.

Once you live with someone, everything changes. You start seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly of a person. And I guess I just wasn’t ready for that. But than I also started realizing, that I don’t think marriage will ever be for me. I don’t think I can be 100% happy living with someone and letting them control my life.

I miss the cold nights where I had an automatic person to cuddle with, I miss being able to kiss someone goodnight, or good morning. I do miss being in a relationship, but more for the companion.
And again, I realized, that just because I wanted a companion doesn’t mean I want a life long partner.

I never thought I’d be the person to marry multiple times. I always figured I’d marry once and that’s it. And I’m sticking to it.

I got married, it was a great run, but I can’t see myself doing it again!

I can’t see myself committed to being with just one person for the rest of my life.

I used to imagine myself with Harts forever, but now that I see how quickly a marriage can end, I don’t want to have to go thru this break up and heart ache again.

Until Next Time

NH<3

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I Can’t Believe It

I cannot believe that I have been blogging for over a year already.

I was just reading my blog of things to be thankful for last year, and I cannot believe the progression and the following that has grown thru these last months/year.

I’ve been nervous to write a new blog because it touches a subject that I don’t want to hit, because I’m not ready to hit it yet, but I think now that I’m in front of computer is a better time than any.

People have been commenting me on facebook or sending me private messages or sending out blast on bbm’s about how emo I have been acting lately. And everyone and anyone who knows me, knows that this is not how I act. This is not me. I am not emo, I am not the person to be sulking over the bad shit that happens in my life. I always look for the positive in everything, and while I DO see the positive, the progression in my life right now, and the sudden change, HURTS like hell.

As I expressed 2 blogs ago, me and my husband were having issues in our marriage, and I think me and him finally got over that fear of not being together, and realized that even if we are not together, we would still make great parents to our son.

That being said, me and my husband are no longer together (hence the relationship change on facebook)


Right now, we are going to take this time to reflect on who we are. We’re still young, and we’re both fairly attractive, so whose to say that our life should stop in our 20’s?

That’s all anyone is getting on that subject, but on that note, I would like to thank EVERYONE who has reached out to me, to allow me to vent. All those “strangers” that volunteered getting drunk or partying or anything to get my mind off of things. I know I haven’t been myself lately.

And moving forward with my life, it is me and my son now!

I think the biggest thing that scared me was that I’m already a statistic, especially within my sex and race. I’m a spanish female that dropped out of high school and got pregnant as a teenager and got married, and now I’m on the verge of divorce. That’s too much to handle, but even with that said, I will never turn the clock around, because over everything, my husband is my best friend, and while we may not be right now, I know that everything will work out because we both love our son and put him first over everything else – including our feelings for each other.

Now that it’s in writing and it’s in my blog, everyone should know. I will not speak to anyone in detail of what happened pr why it happened, it’s no one’s business, but just know that your support and love to the BOTH of us, has not gone unnoticed, and we really appreciate the love all around.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

Family Portrait

“Momma please stop cryin, I can’t stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin’ me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you
said”

A song I grew up loving. I felt some sort of connection. I always pictured this is how life was before my dad left my family. Of course I was too young to realize it. Little did I know that this song would be about me one day and that my son would be dedicating the song to me. Well not so much in those words, but just keep reading and you’ll see.

“You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done
my family ”

It seems that whatever “perfect image” me and my husband have portrayed to the world, is finally coming down to bite us in the butt. Lately it seems that we fight about everything, everyone, and every aspect inbetween it all. I’m too bitchy for his taste, he’s too careless for mine. Its the same argument day in and day out. The glue holding us together?? Our son.

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave “

We try, on a daily basis to work it out. To talk, to figure this out. But everyday with the same arguments, the same resolutions come. We would “try” to work it out. Come tomorrow, our “trying” went right out the window and we would “try” again. Just to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

“Daddy please stop yellin, I can’t stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too “

My husband and I have always been a good team. We always “worked thing out.” We always communicated. We never went to sleep angry. Everything was as perfect as you can expect us to be. Of course we always had our issues, but we always managed. This last time just seemed to be the icing on the cake. I fucked up bad! And it seems like there is no room for repairment. But we’re “trying.”

I went karaoke for my cousin’s birthday, and we sang “Family Portrait” and I teared a little, because I was picturing my son singing this song to me the way I often sang it to my father. I could never forgive myself for my son seeing us always fighting. We need to figure something out before it’s too late.

“I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have
no choice, no way
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I’ve seen
I don’t want love to destroy me like it did my family”

I remember when I ran away from home. I was 15 years old, and I hated the world. It was me against the world. My mother favored my sister, my aunt favored her daughter, my grandparents favored my cousin, I was the “bad-ass” of the family. Anything wrong was my fault. And I think to myself, what am I going to do when my son runs away? I often put blame on the fact that my father was never around to love me. It was his fault that I was the odd man out. So I think, if I don’t reconcile with my husband, is my son going to hate me for breaking up our small family? Especially since the start of the constant bickering,……was my fault?

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t leave”

When I looked at my parent’s separation filing and there final divorce papers, it was shortly after my birth, so of course I always felt that it was my fault. It was my fault because I was a girl not the boy that he always longed for. They didn’t want me. They were 20 with 1 child and another on the way, any man would run from there. I can’t allow my son to think he’s the reason we’re not working anything out. I’m the one to blame. Me and my husband have our issues, not to be included with that of our son. We both love him unconditionally, but having experienced this song personally, really hits home when I think of the numerous problems me and my husband have.

“In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, let’s act like it comes
naturally
I don’t wanna have to split the holidays
I don’t want two addresses
I don’t want a step-brother anyways
And I don’t want my mom to have to change her
last name

My husband joked that it would be awesome for our son to experience 2 everythings, especially since me and him only had one of everything, since we were both raised by single mothers. But there’s so much to factor. How selfish would it be if we didn’t even TRY to work it out and have our son battle it out between two different households, not including time with the 2 sets of grandparents.

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, act like it goes naturally”

All 3 of us, pose for cameras and act “perfect” but we’re far from it. The mutual love that we share for our son is never going to go away, but we can’t keep pretending that everything is ok.

I decided to write a blog that was a little different, a little more personal than I’m used to, because this “perfect image” that people have of us, is really cramming our style. When we tell mutual friends that we’re having problems they find it so unbelievable. After all, in the eyes of the public, we’re protrayed in one way. Behind closed doors, we’re battling to try and make this relationship work.

I always promised myself that I would not stay in a relationship just for the sake of the kids, I’ve watched enough TV and movies, to know that it doesn’t work. Most times kids use it against you either way and you end up failing because they use it as your weakness. And by all means, I’m not staying in here for my son, but he plays a small role in it.

I love my husband, and when I think of the days that we fell in love, the days in where we got along, and the battles that we have both dealt with in our personal lives (me with my father and him with his health conditions–to be discussed in a later blog) and the struggles we’ve had together (the fire) it all seems worth fighting for in the end. But for right now, like many relationships, we’re not perfect, just living each day one by one.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook