Archive for September, 2010

Is it,..

Why is this week just dragging????

And WTF is up with all the tornado watches?? This is New freaking York, we shouldn’t be getting TORNADO’s here. This isn’t friggen Kansas!

Is it weird that I actually look forward to hearing from my father and how he’s doing?

Is it bad that I hate the fact that my son, niece and nephew are growing up?

Is it horrible that I hate my landlord?

Is it weird that I miss my husband on a regualr basis? Even when he’s right next to me, but the thought of knowing that he has to go to work later, or tomorrow or in two days, really depresses me?

Is it cocky to know that I am smarter beyond my years?

so many questions.

Not enough answers.

I want to take a new picture,… :-/

and I want to dye my hair.

Until Next Time


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Good Enough Diploma

So many changes. So many obstacles. How is one person to handle it all?

I dropped out of high school at the age of 18. I waited to officially do it, because I knew my mom would never approve of a high school drop out.

Freshmen year, I was a B student. Showed up on time, did all my homework, participated in all classroom activities. AND, I had an amazing boyfriend who supported me thru everything.

That summer, me and my boyfriend broke up (cuz he’s a duche) and we tried to remain friends. When school started up I felt lonely because he wasn’t with me. That month would’ve marked our year together, but we weren’t together. He seemed like he got over me, he started dating girls right in front of me, he was flirting and making new friends on a daily basis, and I wanted to be the girl he ran back to when he was done acting like an idiot. In order for me to do that, I had to be around him all the time. I started noticing that our schedule conflicted with the time I would get to see him, so I started to adjust my schedule to be with him. It started coming to the point that I would only go to class once a day, and that was when attendance mattered.

When I saw that he got into a relationship with one of my friends in the circle of friends that we had, that shit hurt so much! I was really sure that we would get back together and try to make it work, but after this, I wasn’t to sure I could forgive him. In the population of 3,000 students in our school, he had to pick her. I started oversleeping and purposely not coming to school. And then,…..I met a guy.

He was older then me, not by much! He was a friend of one of my other ex-boyfriends, we began a friendship online, constantly talking thru instant messenger (IM) and one day during school hours, we decided to meet for the first time. He was a senior when I was a sophomore, so that was already a big plus over the boyfriend that started dating one of my friends. We had an instant bond and clicked right away, and he became my boyfriend. But since we didn’t go to the same school, and would rarely hang out in the samelocation, we had to meet up during our own time. And most of the time, that wad during school hours. We dated for about 6 months and would see each other every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. That only left Monday and Wednesday for me to go to school, but not to go to classes. I would flaunt my relationship with an older guy from a different school, to my friends hoping to make my ex jealous. But I truly felt like I was over him, kind of, sort of.

Me and my older boyfriend broke up, because he was going to college out of state and it wouldn’t be fair to ask a 15/16 year old me to wait for him. So I didn’t. I tried to do right by my junior year. I was unattached, and over my exes, and I just wanted to get school overwith. But the classrooms, the teachers, my peers, it made it really hard to focus. And then,….I met a guy.

He was older then me, and really special to me. We started as friends, but feelings grew, and we finally became official. He was 8 years older then me. I’ve never had a “mature” boyfriend before, so this was very exciting. I had to act a certain way in order for him not to think he made a mistake dating a 17 year old me. Because he worked and didn’t go to school, in order to spend time with him, it had to be on his terms. He worked evenings, so I had to see him during the day. And during the day I had school. So of course the cycle began all over again, that I would miss classes to see him. And those classes, turned to days, those days turned to weeks, those weeks turned to months, and before I knew it, the summer was fast approaching, and I barely made it past this year.

That was the summer I turned 18, and I was openly dating my now husband too. My credits in school only left me to be a lower junior, upper sophomore. And if I wanted to finish and get my high school diploma, I would be out of school by the time I was 20. And I knew myself, there was no way I was going to school. I tried night school, I tried summer school, I tried everything. I passed it all, I passed my test, I passed the quizzes, I passed the regents, it was just my attendance that was lacking. I didn’t want to be a 20 year old senior in a high school that I hated.

So why not transfer you ask? Well, since my grades weren’t good enough, the only place that would accept me would be my zone school, which was up the block. And I didn’t want to go there because,..

1) They were considered NYC top 20 worst schools.
2) There was a 25% graduation rate
3) Since it was up the block from my house, I wouldn’t get a metrocard to go see my boyfriend

So I did what I thought was right. I dropped out!

School just wasn’t for me.

I went straight to work, had an awesome job, awesome pay. Everything was awesome. And I didn’t even need an education. And then, I found out I was pregnant.

19 and pregnant. With no education and a job that could satisfy me, but not pay the bills without some struggle. What was I supposed to do?

Thru my job I got some connections, and I found another job. A better paying job, with a consistent schedule and definitely allowed me to branch out of the norm.

No education, and still making it by.

My son started daycare, and he’s learning new things everyday. If my son could learn why can’t I? What type of influence am I going to be to my son when he decides he wants to cut school and drop out of high school? I don’t want him to use it against me that I never got an education, and I know he’s going to throw it in my face. Why? Because I did it to my mother. Afterall, he is MY son. If I’m not against doing it, then I know it’ll get thrown in my face.

In my attempts to find another job, or anything to better myself, the requirements were “High School Diploma or GED” and I never had either. I could lie on my resume and get all these things I tried for, but what pleasure would that bring for me? I would still get paid the minimum for my position because I had no college background or degree. While I knew I was smart or better than that, that degree counts. So now what?

I started school to get my GED,  on Monday, and the class is a big class. The teacher is a snotty, the hours are long, and all that information, is old news to me.

It has been 6 years since I last sat at a classroom, but this time,…it’s different. This time? I have no distractions. This time, I’m doing it for me, and for my son. I’m doing this to better my future. So as bored as I am, as tired and lazy as I am, I’m doing this for me and my future.

Until Next Time


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The Desperate Housewife

While my schedule has changed around a lot, it has made it that much more flexible for me to do more things for me.

I wake up every morning, take my son to daycare, and then my day begins. Whether it’s heading to work, registering for school, handling the doctor’s appointment, cleaning the house or simply cooking for my husband, it seems that since I stopped working a full time job, I have a lot more time for me and my family while still meshing all the little things in between.

And I started picturing my life as a TV show.

When I was younger I used to LOVE “Saved By the Bell.” And before I understood the concept of actors, and recording studios, and scripts, I thought all that stuff was real. I would start imaging my life in one of those hidden cameras, would my life be as entertaining as Zack, Kelly, Lisa, Jessie, Slater and Screech. Would I make boring TV because I had Dr. B instead of Mr. Belding? Which ones of my friends would be casted as which character, and what would there drama be?

Now as a grown up (according to society and my age) I know different, but I still wonder. Would my life make for boring TV? It seems as if the Housewives of NY, NJ, Atlanta and Orange County have all made it pretty big and famous out there for doing nothing but fighting with there neighbors, and families. Does it show you the real side of them? Or only the staged part we know would make good TV? Even if that means, that there is always a villain.

While I wouldn’t consider myself a housewife, I have been spending a lot of time at home “reflecting” on what needs to be changed or fixed or to “my standards” in the house.

I start seeing, that these reality TV shows, are for real.
You start getting cabin fever of wanting to get out of the house.
You want to be on top of your kids and do everything perfect for them.
You look for little specs of dust to obsess over.
You start obsessing over the most ridiculous things, that everything becomes a conspiracy between you and the world.

And then it all makes sense.

The reason all these housewives have all this time to fight, bicker, and hate each other, is because they truly have nothing better to do. They look for moments in where there lives would be fulfilled with something of relevance, and nothing is ever enough until they become the victim.

I had Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to myself. ALL to myself. And I was sick on Friday, so while my husband was with me, I barely remember that day. During these days, no one came to bother me, I had no work to worry about. No school. No kids until 5pm. Not a care in the world. Yeah it seems like a dream come thru to a hard working mom, who spends all her time trying to provide for her family. But after 2 days, you get bored of doing nothing. You get tired of not being wanted, or needed. Or even worse, you grow lazy and don’t WANT to do anything for yourself or anyone around you.

4days with no contact to anyone is a nightmare.
4days staring at the same walls over and over again, made me want to just die!
4days of doing the same thing, the same time without even realizing it,

How do these “housewives” do it?
I was alone for 4 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I couldn’t even do it.

They always say, you never really truly appreciate your mother until you become a mother yourself.

There should be a saying, you never realize what a housewife is capable of until you’ve become one yourself.

Have you ever experienced this feeling x_x?


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Remember the Day

Today is an important day in history, where many will never forget. This day is going to go in the history books (if they’re not there already) and it will definitely be on most of our minds.

9 years ago today, I was 13 years old, in my 8th grade English class with Ms. Roberts as my teacher. She receives a phone call mid-speech and one of my classmates walks out. And little by little they start disappearing. The bell rung for us to go to our next period class, but Ms. Roberts had explained to us at this moment that we were not to leave the classroom because a plane had crashed into the twin towers.

I guess the only ones phased by this news were the ones that were getting picked up from their parents. But the rest of us either didn’t understand what was going on or didn’t understand the importance of what just happened.

Here comes 11 o’clock. Our school dismisses us from school, and we walk outside and look over the river of our school and in a distance we see nothing but smoke.

Now the way our school used to be on a full day, was that we would have one public bus, kind of unofficially, reserved for us. On this particular day, there was a row of buses here, but to my surprise it was only for us. We were waiting for people to hop on the bus as well, and I guess this is when I realized how close we really were to the World Trade Center. People with torn clothes, no shoes, ash all over there body, face, feet, hair, started getting on the train. I was sitting with my group of girlfriends and one of them had asked, “What happened” and the lady with an ashy, flowery dress and no shoes on, responded, “I was on my way to work when I felt the floor vibrate, and I looked up and a plane had hit my office building. I can’t believe I’m here.” She looked calm considering the situation, but you really couldn’t help but admire her.

We learned that the bus would be dropping each of the people to as close to there destination as they had to be.

I went over to my friend’s house and we went to turn on the tv, and on EVERY channel, the news was on. Showing what had happened. I guess we still didn’t believe that this was happeneing so close to us.

In Sunset Park, Brooklyn. There is a park that when you stand in the center of the park, by the picnic area, that you can see Manhattan. So me and my girlfriends, went here, and even the park was barely covered in smoke. How crazy to think that a whole borough away, and we still felt/smelt the impact of this.

When I finally went home, I went on the computer and went into chat rooms like I usually did. They kept asking a/s/l and I would always respond 13/f/ny. Those 2 letters meant I was popular, because everyone started sending me private messages.

“You’re from new york?”
“What happened with the World Trade Center?”
“Where were you during the incident?”
“Has it impacted your family?”

And I kept repeating my story. Seems like even 9 years later, it’s a big deal that I’m from New York, and that I was around during that time.

As the years go, and as I meet more and more people, it seems that 9/11/01 has had a different impact on them. Even amongst my own family.

I know these 2 girls that lost there father on this day. I know a few guys decided to join the army because this was their way of fighting back. I learned that my husband, who had just lived blocks from the twin towers, was there on this day with his mother & grandmother. I met a friend who was in the actual building and still has nightmares of this day. I learned that my uncle used to work in the towers, and had retired just the previous day.

So while I felt at the time, that I was unaffected by this, turns out that as the years went by, I was attached to those buildings by the people I would eventually run into in my life.

May all of those who lost a special someone 9 years ago today, may you know that their efforts did not go unnoticed. They will always be in our hearts, and 9/11 will live on forever! When I have to explain this to my grandchildren, hopefully I’ll understand the concept of the internet so I can just show them my blog.

Now, I want to know, where were YOU 9 years ago?


My Default Picture

I’ve noticed that lately my blogs have been reflecting the old me with the new me and the transition it has taken me to become the new me.

Well here’s my view on my appearance. Before baby, I was skinny and I loved who I was. After baby, I became this fat lard that wanted to eat ice cream and be left alone at all times. And it sucked because I knew that I would just keep getting fatter and fatter and fatter. To the point, that I hated taking pictures. Because pictures truly made me realize that not only did I feel like a fat lard, I was starting to look like one too.

Until I discovered HartStop Designs. Things became so different, and I could never default a cell phone picture again!

I am not a model, I am not comfortable in front of the camera, but when I got in front of the camera, I felt like a whole new person. I felt that I could so be a model, and the rolls of fat I was insecure about, was just that, insecurities.

One of the first sessions I had with him, was trying to figure out what my default picture on my blog should be. Have you ever watched Home Improvement, with neighbor Wilson, always covering half his face? Welll, that’s what I wanted.

So he came up with THIS picture.

This was one of my favorite pictures because it incorporated my name as well on half my face. But after having this picture up, I knew that if i ever got bored! I would need to do another photoshoot as well.

And this is what we came up with 🙂

And again i LOVED it, and it stayed my default for as long as I could manage to look at the same picture. and what killed me, was that whenever I went on his page, I would see all these people with new pictures, and I wanted pictures too. So of courseeeee,……I had to go for ANOTHER session lolsz

This one was one of my all time favorite pictures, because not only was it covering my face, like i wanted it to, but it incorporated MY writing into it, and my signature. And that honestly did it for me. This was to be my main default picture FOREVER,…UNTILLLLLLLLLLLLL,…..i got green eyed and wanted yet ANOTHER shoot….

Wow I just realized that you must think I am conceited with all these pictures I want to take, but hoonestly, I think it’s worth it lol.

HartStop Designs truly outdid themselves. This was by far the most fun I have ever had in a shoot. All of this is not photoshopped (with the exception of some pimples you know.) We wrapped me in newspaper to give me a dress, my shoes,, the walls, I’m sure my underwear would’ve been newspaper if it was going to be shown. This is all reall newspaper and real books in the way. It was so much fun. Especially since I love to read and write. I think it did an awesome job of showing who I am without revealing my face.

I am absolutely in LOVE with HartStop Designs and I can never go to a standard photographer ever again. And I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.

Click on “MORE” to see what others have to say about there experience in the studio as well

Until Next Time Bloggers

NH ❤

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

**HartStop Designs also created there own blog, I like to think it’s cuz of me, but then I would have exceeded the amount of conceited that I am allowed on my page lol

Read more…

The Land of No Return

I can’t but feel the way I’ve been feeling.

My life has never really failed me. I’ve always been the type of person to see the glass as half full.

And while life has been throwing me half full glasses, and I SEE them, I can’t help but feel half empty.

ice cold feeling

I feel like fresh air is my xantax,…my escape from the depression I am reminded of on a regular basis. I’ve never even been a depressive person and I can’t seem to get myself out of this rut. Out of this feeling like I don’t even belong anymore.

I just want to curl myself up in a ball and blend in with my messy sheets and the pillows that are thrown onto the already messy bed.

I hate having to constantly fight with my husband over the same shit over and over again. I hate always losing the battle between me and my subconscience. Always feeling like I could be better but my outer self keeps denying me to do so.

I’ve gotten to the point of no return, where I don’t give a shit about what you think about me. If you want to see bitch me,….trust me you will see her.

I hate this shit so much, that I just want a vacation from the world. Just me and my xantax! And return to the world that I strive so hard to make for myself.

Until Next Time,

Hopefully my mood will be better next time

NH ❤

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook