Archive for February, 2011

The Past Should Stay In The Past

The hardest thing about being single, is the being alone part. I was never actually any good at the “being alone” part. I was always with a boyfriend, or a group of girlfriends, I was never “alone.” My dating a guy consisted of hanging out after school and getting home before curfew.

Even when I had first started dating Harts, I would have to be home by curfew, or hang out after school. It was later in our relationship, that time didn’t seem to matter. When I was becoming an adult and paying my own bills.

The truth is, I never really “dated” that many guys. I was a child that craved the attention of the opposite sex.

Which gets me to the point of this blog.

How do I word this without sounding like the “blogging slut”?

Uhmm,…I like sex,…

But just because I like  sex, that doesn’t mean that I have sex with every one I cross paths with. I am very vocal and opinionated  about what I like and don’t like. And I guess I bought it upon myself, for people to assume that I have like a billion sexual partners.

I went on Formspring (which is a site in where anonymous people ask you dum questions that they would never have the balls to ask you to your face) and one of the questions I got was “How many sexual partners have you had and don’t estimate and say a lot. What’s the actual number?” My response to that was “Wow! Someone is being nosy, I’m not going to give you a number, but it’s not as many as you may think.”

One thing is that my sex life is not anyone’s business, but I don’t mind talking about it. Sex doesn’t define, nor is it who I am, I just like it. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes my way.

I want to explain something before I continue. When I was younger, BEFORE Harts, I dated/slept/messed around with a few guys. My problem was that, all/most of the guys knew each other. And if you think girls gossip,…guys are 10 times worst. Because not only do they gossip, they lie about that shit too. So eventually I got a reputation as the girl who slept around. My flirtatious habits didn’t help either. So it’s not like I ever tried to redeem my name, but I didn’t stop the rumors from going around either.

And this is the part, where I say, I wish I had at least tried to redeem my name.

Since me and Harts split up, I have had a lot of guys (from my past) hit on me, and talk very disrespectful to me. It seems like a guy doesn’t want to be friends with a girl unless he is getting something out of it. A guy doesn’t want to date a girl, without the expectation of sex. A guy can’t hold a normal conversation with a girl, without a perverted comment/statement “accidentally” coming out. Maybe it’s just me and my wonderful reputation, but I don’t sleep around.

Sex is a big deal to me.

Being in a relationship for so long, has made me value the idea of communication and of understanding. Sex between me and Harts was great, but that was because we had the mental, emotional and physical communication with each other. And I want my next sexual encounter to be the same way.

Sex to me is more than just the act of a man and a woman together and the penatration of it. Sex is more than the sheets wrinkling beneath out bodies. Sex is more than just toes curling and nails digging in his back. Amazing sex to me, goes beyond what my eyes can see, but what my heart can feel.

If I wanted to have sex, I could.  I could call my number of guy friends, and just fuck them. But that doesn’t mean that the sex will be good. I can have sex with whom ever I want, and it will never feel the same. It will never be as good, because the only thing that is there, is the pshyical attraction.

I have grown since my many years of “sex is for fun” phase, but there are plenty of people out there nowadays who just prefer the quickies or the hit it and quit it phases. I’m not one of those people. So if you call me at 4am expecting a booty call, you’re not getting one from me.

I’m stuck in the shadow of my adolescence but that doesn’t mean that I have to go backwards and live that life anymore.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

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No Differences

Ugghhhh!!!!

Ok, so maybe because my period is supposed to be coming tomorrow, or maybe because I’m finding a reason to be angry! I don’t know what the fuck the reason is, but my son’s father really aggravates the crap out of me.

The truth is I know him too well and it messes with my head. And it may not be a fair advantage to him. Or vice-versa.

Yesterday me and him got into an argument over random bullshit. Since me and him are going to be a part of each other’s life for AT LEAST the next 15 years, me and him are trying to figure out ways to talk to each other, without driving each other insane, but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way.

We have been together for 5 years and separate for 3 months, so in the 5 years that we were together, we have both found the loop holes to piss each other off. We both know how we both handle our anger, we both know how we choose to cool off. We both know each other better than we know ourselves sometimes.

And that’s what makes it so hard to like him sometimes.

It’s my fault though.

My entire adult life, I was with one person, and I grew comfortable to one person. I grew to be like him, I grew to know the ins and outs of him. I knew all his bad habits, I knew how he lied, and when he lied, and even more, when he would choose to lie. I know how he sleeps and gets out of the bed every morning. I know EVERYTHING about this guy. And that has its disadvantages.

Since we have been separated, I have taken the time to reflect on myself. To think about why my marriage has failed. I’m sure that he’s been doing the same thing too. And I know that I have changed myself to better myself as a person. I have taken a look at myself and realized, if my husband can’t stand me than I need to see what I can do to change. And while it has only been 3 months, I feel the change. But then when it comes to him again, the old me comes out and I feel the flames coming out of my ears.

So it has me thinking, I know I’ve changed, and even the people around me have seen the change, but to my husband, I will always be that same person. He’s not giving me the benefit of the doubt that these 3 months have made a difference.

Every time an argument starts it always starts with “But I KNOW you,…”

Maybe I don’t know him anymore. Maybe he’s a different person as well. I know he’s been going thru a lot of shit and I know that he needs my support, and I know that it brings the both of us stress that we can’t be there for each other. I just don’t know how to let go of the person that I used  to know and open up to the person that is supposed to be standing in front of me.

I don’t know how to let go of the bitch in me when I’m in front of him, as I’m sure he doesn’t know how to let go of the wall of defenses, when he’s in front of me.

Sometimes, I hate that the only thing I have is my blog to vent to. I love my friends, but talking to them is the worst. Because they always side with me. They always tell me that he’s an asshole, that he’s a jerk etc. No! Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. Sometimes I need a true friend to understand that I’m wrong too; not just him.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

My 3 Year Old

I can proudly announce to the world, that I have a beautiful 3-year-old “big” boy.

When I was first pregnant, I signed up for this site that allowed me to track my pregnancy. And it even followed me thru his first few weeks, to months, to now even years.

This week, I got an email labeled “My 3 Year Old; Handling Bed-Wetting” so this is a tough subject for me to hit, because my son does wet the bed.

When my son was still living in ONE house, he never wet the bed, we used to put diapers on him just in case, and he would always wake up with a dry diaper, to the point that we stopped putting them on him, and his bed would remain dry. When I moved out and I bought him with me, his bed would still remain dry, and I was so proud of him. But it seems that me and my [ex] husband seem to be arguing more NOW than when we were together. We really try not to, but I think because we KNOW each other so well (5 years of being together) we really know the right buttons to press to piss each other off. And the more and more that me and my son’s father argue, the more and more my son seems to wet his diaper (bed).

In the email, it said,

No one knows exactly what causes bed-wetting. Sometimes physical traits are a factor …Emotional changes may also trigger bed-wetting. If your child starts having accidents after months of dry nights, it could be that (s)he’s facing new stresses or fears.”

Uhmm,…what a blow to my ego that put me in. My son is not used to me and his father arguing all the time. In fact, he is used to us acting all lovey dovey around each other, even when we used to argue, we did it out of love; for all of that to be turned upside down on him? It’s only been 3 months, and 3 months is not a long enough time to understand that we’re not together anymore. It is not long enough when it took him 3 years to learn not to pee on himself. So it’s no wonder that he’s been wetting his diaper(bed).

We’re trying so hard to not fight in front of our son, but I’m sure he sees it. I am happy when I wake up and see him, than I talk to his father and my mood falls all the way down, and I try to act like I’m in a good mood, but my son knows me. I mean, come on, my son is the one person in my life who has ever been THAT close to my heart. He was inches away from my heart, he went to sleep to my heart beat, he followed the sound of my breathing; so of course he knows when I’m hurting or in pain. And of course, my emotional distress is causing my son to have emotional distress to.

Part of me understands why couples decide to “stay together for the kids” because it does take a toll on them too, but I know that my son wants to see the both of us happy. And while his father made me happy once, and will probably make me happy later in the future, I need my space right now. I will always love him but this love/hate relationship is really taking a toll on my kid 😦

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

No Apologies

I would be completely wrong if I said I was an unselfish person. To say that I always did things with others on my mind! I’m sorry! But that’s not me. That’s not the person I am.

But wait,…..Don’t call me a hypocrite just yet.

Everything I do or say is always to benefit me in some way. Since I became a mother, it became 80/20 about me. The 20% being me. Everything I did, I did for my son, but not without selfish intentions. I mean why shouldn’t I?

I was born into this world, by myself.

As a baby, when something bothered me (such as an empty belly, dirty diaper etc) I screamed until I got what I wanted. When I die, I’m leaving this earth by myself. I know that I’m not the person I am today because I’ve only always thought about myself, but I have always put myself 1st.

Friends have come, friends have gone. They’ve left their footprints but the only person that has ever stayed consistent in any type of relationship with me, is me! I will always be around for myself. Come on, even my husband, the person whom devoted his life to me, thru sickness and in health, even HE has become an inconsistency.

I am NOT perfect. I am not claiming that I am. But if I don’t worry about ME, than who will? If I can’t love myself, worry about myself, “do me” than who ever will?

I don’t put expectations on people to try and make me happy, because no one will ever fill MY shoes.

This is the reason I don’t stress out about random bull shit. This is the reason I am going to live a better life than most. All the drama, all the bull shit, I rise above it all. I look at the finish line, and the finish line is me being happy.

When I get angry, I laugh it off! When others are upset, I catch my breath and talk it out! Getting angry isn’t worth it. What about “getting even?”. Nope, not for me. Why? Because in the end of the day, that’s not helping ME out.

All the anger, all the stress, is gonna be the death of people in NYC. We get so angry over everything, whether it’s the MTA fucking us over, or the tourist are walking to slow, or even the fact that there is too much snow outside. Why get angry over things that you can’t even change? Why use up all your energy on shit that isn’t even worth it? Do you really think the MTA gives 2 flying shits about you being late for work? You think your boss cares that its the trains fault? You think the tourist care if you got places to be? No! And why not? Because in the end of the day, its only ME!

Me vs. the world.

This is a battle, I plan on winning.

I came into this world alone, I will leave this world alone. I have made many friendships, and will meet many more. I have crossed path with some awesome people and some not some awesome people. I have had experiences in my life time that I will never take back. My life has been nothing but a true adventure. Some people may love me, others not so much, but I was put on this earth to make ME and those around ME happy.

I try to impose my selfish mentally to others, and sometimes it works.

I miss my best friend like crazy. She lives out in Georgia. She was honestly thinking of not going, but I convinced her she only has one life to live, and she picked up and moved to Georgia. My selfish act on that one? I can go down South and have a place to crash 🙂

It has its ups and downs, but so does everything else in life. I have realized that I neglect some of my closest friends, expecting them to always be there for me. But when I come to terms with that, I try my best to be there for them. As one of my selfish acts, I am there for them, because I can count on them to always be here for me.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

1,096 Days Later

February 1st, 2008 @ 4:11pm, a 8lb 0oz 21 1/2 inches long baby boy was born.

You never think of something being so long ago until you really sit down and think about what these days have bought.

3 years ago today, my son was born. And then my life changed. There are some women who still want to be children and act as if their mother is going to take care of them for the rest of their lives,..but not me.

I know I can always rely on my mother to help me out when needed, but I take full credit for my son.

Even though Harts is not my significant other anymore. He is an awesome father and a wonderful role mode to our son. I would be proud of my son if he grew up to be half the man his father is.

My son’s birthday really helps me understand how lucky, fortunate and blessed I am to be a mother. My son is my pride and joy and I would do everything for him.

When I first had him, no one ever really took the time to explain to me this never ending amount of love that I could possibly feel for one human being. And the bigger he gets, the more he learns, the more he grows and experiences life, the more I love him. Kids are prone to get sick, and they always get better, and even knowing this, I still cry whenever my son gets sick. I still hold him and pray I can take away his pain. I love that my son calls to me whenever he wants to feel better. It warms my heart to know that he needs me just as I feel I need him sometimes.

I love my son, and everything about him. I even love that he looks just like his daddy. Makes me believe that my son will be a strong, smart, tall and handsome man!

When he was first born, I kept saying “I can’t wait until he,….” oh boy! Trust me,..I can wait now. I don’t ever want him to grow up. I feel like all of this is happening so soon.

3 years seems like its a long time, but these 3 years have just come and gone, and I really can’t believe it.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy (even though he will argue with me and swear he is not a baby anymore) I love you so much. You make me the proudest mommy of them all.

TTYL

NH ❤

PS- Harts is a great dad. And that’s why it makes it easier to share custody of our son.  Because I know that when he is with daddy, I have nothing to worry about.