Never Forgotten

I’ve always considered myself lucky to have never dealt with a loss in my family or close circle of friends. Every time one of my friends deals with one of these hardships, I truly don’t know how to handle it. Do I console them? Tell them that their lost one is in a better place?

I really don’t know if they ARE in a better place. I can’t possibly understand what my friend is going thru, I’ve never lost someone who meant so much to me that my world would just stop spinning without them here.

Where do they go?

Yesterday, I was spending some time with my mother and the 3 kids. And it was a pretty cool time together. There were 3 minutes of my day that I felt were all to me. My son looked at me and hugged me, and I just remember holding him so tight and I promised that I would protect his feelings no matter what.

Here I am, the entire time of my adult life, thinking that I’ve never experienced the feeling of loss. And as I was looking up in the clouds, I felt somebody wave at me, and then I realized at this point, that I AM missing somebody so much.

Back in the day, my mom befriended a guy. He was an awesome guy. He later grew to become a part of OUR family. He became my sister’s God-Father. He was their for us whenever we needed him, and he helped us out whenever he saw it. He spoiled us rotten as much as he could, especially since he didn’t have kids of his own. Every Christmas/birthday he never forgot about us, and we made sure my mom bought him the latest Elmo doll (the last one we got him was “tickle-me-Elmo).

And then one day we saw him in the hospital. He had lost so much weight. At this point we had just moved to queens and we barely saw him, but we always made an effort to. And I was sooo surprised to see this fragile man before me. He promised that he would come see us, as long as a bus stopped by our house. He was to weak to walk by himself, and was bounded to a wheelchair. But even pasted the skinny man, past the wounded man, we joked around as if nothing was wrong. We started playing around and he pretended like nothing was wrong with him. When we spoke to my mom about it, she told us he was in a lot of pain. I don’t ever remember her saying that he was going to die. I think it was one of those things that we already knew was going to happen.

I remember me and my sister going to our youth group, and it was a primarily spanish speaking youth group, and I remember hearing “ayer por la noche nuestro querido amigo ha fallecido” I had no clue what they were talking. “Fallecido?” What does that mean? And then I heard, “él está en el cielo con papa Dios.” At that point, I put it all together. My sister’s God-father has died and gone to heaven. I looked at my sister and asked her “He died.” And from there we were in tears holding each other. We were crying so much,  to the point that we couldn’t breathe. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him.

But I guess that as time went, our wounds healed it. And I guess it happened at a good time in our lives because we were so young that we were able to move past it faster then most. But then there are those moments that I would see an Elmo and wish that he was still with us. There are times when I would walk along 5th ave in Sunset, and remember him.

I would see his old apartment building from the train station, and without realizing it, I DID lose someone special in my life. And I hate that we were to far away from him to pay closer attention to him.

But I think it worked out in the end. Because I

never got to see that weak man, and the only memories I have of him are positive memories. I loved him so much, he was an awesome man, and I know that as his birthday comes around the corner, that he is looking down on me and my sister and he is extremely happy at the lives we have created for oursel

ves. I know he’ll be happy to see that we have both become wives and we have started our own family. But even more, I know that he would be extremely proud of our faith and positive attitude that we have to our surroundings.

I miss you RG. May you continue to REST IN PEACE. Know that I will NEVER forget you. I love you.

Have you ever lost someone? How do YOU remember them?

Until Next Time

NH<3

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Labor Day Means to Go into LABOR!!!!

This is a subject I haven’t reached yet, because it seems so unreal. But now that the date is slowly approaching (Labor Day) it seems to be more and more of a reality.

My older sister, is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that. She’s having her first child, which is my first niece. And it is the most exciting news ever. When she first told us, I was so happy for her, but a selfish part of me, was happy for myself too, cuz this is my FIRST niece.

It’s a different feeling then having your own child. Because the way you always think about it, “I could be the cool aunt she could run too whenever mom or dad are mad at her.” I had my baby and I loved him right away, but this is not MY baby, this is my sister’s baby and it’s a different type of love.

I look at my sister’s belly growing and I want to kiss it, and hug it, and bother it. I want her to come out already so I could play with her and blow raspberry’s on her cute little belly. I can’t wait for her to be able to recognize me and call me by my name.

I remember the first time my son said my sister’s name, and it was the cutest thing, because he butchered it soo much, but it was soo cute. I remember one time, when he was running, he wanted her attention, so he runs up to her hits her leg “eh-e, eh-e, eh-e, eh-e” he would say. My sister would pay him no mind until she realized that this was his way of saying her name. And it was sooooooo cute of course she had to pay attention and go whereever he wanted to.

Hmm can I tell you a secret? I’m scared of how my son is going to be as a big brother. I’m kind of anxious to see how he’ll be with my baby niece. I already know that as an only child, and as a baby cousin he is a whiny little mama’s boy. So it makes you think, if he’s no longer the baby, is he still going to get the special attention?

I’m sure that once him and his new baby cousin are at their grandmother’s house and my son starts realizing that the baby is getting more attention because she won’t be able to move like him, or talk and eat like him, that he’ll get jealous and want alll of their grandmother’s attention right on him.

~this little girl needs to get out already so I can smother her with my kisses and hugs!!!!

Hopefully Next Time I’ll write about my niece ❤

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And So The Separation Begins

Tomorrow’s my son’s first day at daycare.

We dropped him off yesterday for a 2 hour trial, to see how he would interact with the other kids, and he cried when I left, and I cried watching him leave.

And when I went to pick him up, he jumped in my arms.

Oh man! I know I talk a lot of crap how I want to be able to get away from him every once in awhile,…but I miss him.

I hate the thought of him growing up, I hate the thought that one day, he won’t love me anymore.

Oh man!!!

Daycare is going to be hard, for the both of us!!

Wish me luck!!!

Until Next Time

Decisions, Decisions

Within a matter of minutes my whole world changed and turned around, and I started to see the positive of everything.
All the decisions in my life are that for my son.

It’s amazing how one decision can alter your life forever isn’t it?

My decision to have sex and have my baby was as life changing as “life changing” can possibly get.

Most girls dream about their dream wedding and wonder how their life would turn out. And since I’m speaking so honestly, I never picture my wedding. Mostly because I always doubted myself when it came to the “perfect man.”

My history of boyfriends was one bad one after another. Whether I wanted to believe it or not, I trapped myself into thinking they were all the “one” and heart break after heart break. I kind of gave up on picturing the perfect future for me.

I always saw myself being a single mom with 3 kids living in a shabby apartment no boyfriend and working off of tips smoking cigarettes to keep me from slapping the kids, who all had different fathers.

Its a pretty fucked up future, but the way I was going, it seemed more than likely to become a reality.

At 19, you don’t really know much about anything. The things you do know, are always half-assed. At 23 you start discovering who you are and who you want to be and how things are going to fall into place. At 30 you picture yourself with a family living in a home away from home with you loved one and a kid or two and maybe a dog.

When I saw the double-lined stick telling me I was pregnant, all I knew was that a baby was coming out of me, and that apparently having one of these is hard. And that when they grow up to be a teenager, they’re supposed to hate you because you’re always telling them what to do.

9 months after the double lines, 2 years 5 months and 6 days later, a grown baby looks before me, and I know that I made the right decision.

No one tells you about the in-between the pregnancy and the teenage “I hate you” years. No one tells you that the transition from nursing to milk to solids is scary. Did you know that there shits get worse and worse after every meal you give them?? No one tells you that you have to TEACH them to crawl, to walk, to laugh, to talk, and to tell you what they want. Teach them? Seriously? I thought it was as easy as get them out, clothe them for a few and send them to school and have the teachers TEACH him all that stuff. Nope! Not at all! I have to do that. I have to sacrafrice all my clothes to the beings of, drool,  split milk, hand stains, boogers, and when the potty training comes in, shit and pee! All my purses have an emergecey wipes, diapers, shirts and pants, and just in case, a toy!

Just the other day, I tried to put my son, niece, nephew to sleep and they all refused to go to sleep, until I read them to sleep!

I thought they learned to read at school, but no!!! There fascination with the small things I take for granted, like going to the bathroom, bathing, reading, writing and even talking,…they adore it so much! And who knew, I was responsible for this all along.

It’s funny how one decision, as peeing on a stick, can alter you whole life style completely.

Until Next Time

NH ❤

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Big Screen, Small Wallet

Before I got pregnant, every Friday, me and my then boyfriend, would go to the movies. At the time I was working next to the 42^nd street movie theater, and for the 2 of us to watch a movie, was $23.50. I am now working next to the 34^th street theater, and just for me and my husband to watch a regular cmovie, (no 3D or iMax) is $26. And of course, you don’t go to the movies empty handed, you buy popcorn, or candy, or nacho etc, and you spend the equivalent to 2 movie tickets. At least in the movie theaters in the city, a bucket of popcorn was actually bigger than my head!

NOW! I barely make it to the movies because the movie tickets are so expensive and on top of that,  the refreshments seems to cost more for less.

I went to the movies with my now husband a while ago, and we went to watch a movie in 3D,..how did I almost spend $40 on just 2 movie tickets? It’s the dumbest thing ever. And then I ordered us some popcorn, and a large drink. And seriously, for a 2 hour movie, 15 minute of previews, and 10 minutes waiting on line, I spent close to $100. And on top of that, I had to return the glasses. So WTF!

I got some free movie tickets a while back, and me and my husband

decided to use them. We exchange our free passes for real tickets, and as we entered the theater, we decide we want refreshments. I got us a Large drink and aLarge popcorn, and 2 hotdogs. I spent $30.  I got so annoyed, because whatever I didn’t pay for my movie tickets, I made up in refreshments.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but my paycheck isn’t getting any bigger on a daily rate. I could barely afford to go to the movies anymore, because everything cost so much more now.

There’s this movie theater around my house, that every Tuesday they charge $6 for movies all day! And every time I go to the movies, they are always packed. People like a bargain and that’s why, no matter how run down, dirty, smelly this movie theater is, people go here to watch the latest hits. But they also need to make their money somehow right? A small drink cost $6 and it’s the size of a McDonald’s kids cup. A medium cost $6.50 and a large cost $7. The refreshments cost more than the damn tickets. So even though I’m saving, I’m still spending.

For that, I might as well, wait until these movies go on demand. I spend $5 for 24 hours. And I don’t have to pay per person. I can pop my own popcorn in the microwave, I can pause, rewind or fast-forward when I need to, and I’m not in a room full of people who don’t understand what persona l hygiene is.

I’m not trying to sound cheap, but I got bills to pay, I got priorities to meet, but every once in awhile, in order not to drive myself insane,…I like to go out and spend on myself. But even treating myself has a budget!

Until Next Time

TTYL

BTW – This entire blog was inspired by a conversation I had with one of my closest friends. He went to the movies last night with his girlfriend, and just for 2 movie tickets, spent $33. Fucking bull shit I tell you!!!!

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