Posts tagged ‘love’

Nadyne Harts No More

I haven’t written in a long ass time. There have been many reasons for it. The main reason was because I didn’t want people in my life anymore. I was tired of people reading my blogs hoping to get some sort of information out of it, that eventually I just gave up.

Almost 2 years later, my life has changed so much. My son is 4 years old and is starting prek which is crazy. I don’t feel old enough to have a kid going to school. He went to day care, head start, but those were programs preparing him for school, and now here he is, my big boy, starting school in a few days. The funny thing is that I look at him, and see the boy i used to carry, the boy who needed me for everything. I reflect on the last 4 years of my life, and wish i had him back then, with the knowledge and wisdom that i have now. But either way, my son is amazing. He is the true love of my life and no one can replace that love for him. I just can’t believe he’s getting so big.

2 years ago, i remember writing my blog about my older sister giving birth to my niece. We just celebrated her birthday and its crazy how big she is. Its crazy how much time has passed since she was in my sister’s belly. Whenever she sees me, she runs up to me and waves, hi Tia, she’ll tell me. I ask for a kiss and she gives me her forehead, as if this is the designated area permitted for kisses.

Oh and seeing her and my son together? Absolutely magical. We’ve been going to alot of family events where my other cousins see the two of them together. My niece? She’s a fiesty one. She’s always beating up on the other kids. Its cute! It actually makes me smile because our kids are so much like us that all of us have been going down memory lane. Retelling the stories that we had when we were kids. The fights we got into. The memories we shared, especially of us in El Salvador.

I can truly sit here writing this, and tell you, that the last 2 years of my life have truly been the journey.

I feel the turning point for me is always when i met my father’s side of the family. I’ve gotten closer to my own family, closer to my dad and brother. I’ve made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I’ve rediscovered myself in ways that should’ve happened before i turned 21.

My life has not been perfect, i do not lead a perfect life, but the people in my life have made me believe i lead a perfect life.

Getting closer to my family is something i definitely have to give my boyfriend credit to. Yes, in the last 2 years i have found a boyfriend who i am completely and utterly in love with. Being with him puts some justifications in my life, because i see things now that i didn’t see before. I have been with him for over a year now, and they always say the first year is the hardest right? We have been up and down with each other, but even being down, i know we can always bring ourselves up again. He’s an amazing role model for my son. My son adores, respects, admires and loves him like he would his own father. And I have learned to accept another man in my life. I have learned the true meaning of love, the true meaning of being IN love.

Me & my son’s father? He isn’t even worth a paragraph in my life, but he’s there. On my own terms,i have always promised myself that i would make the effort to allow my son to have a father figure in his life. I am fortunate enough that he currently has two male figures who both love him. But my son’s father is not my first choice. It goes back to what i said earlier, about me wishing that i had my son with the knowledge that i have now. Had i known his father was going to turn out to be nothing of importance in anyone’s life including his own, than i wouldn’t of wasted my time. But just like everyone else he’s ever encountered, he manipulated me into believing he was better than all the rest. Do i love him? Do i ever think about me and him being together again? Does that possibly exist? Did i ever really love him? The answer to all of the above is not a positive answer. After being with my boyfriend now, after having had dated a little bit after my break up, i cannot sit here and tell you i was ever in love. There is no way in hell, what i felt, what we had, was love. Maybe my son will read this one day and be mad at me for never having loved his father, for not giving his father any form of respect or compassion, but truthfully? At 4 years old, my son knows and understand why me and his father don’t get along. We put up no form of a front, we say the few words we need to and move on with our day.

Let the record be stated, i have no regrets in life, my only regret is not being true to myself and losing out on some of the best friends i could’ve ever had. My only regret was living with a man THAT disgusting and especially for introducing him to my friends and family.and for those that he hurt, i apologize for not knowing better. For those he screwed over, I’m sorry i didn’t stop it and encouraged it. I really am!

I am so embarrassed by his actions that i refuse to acknowledge his name. I want to tell you all something you didn’t know about Harts Ortiz, and maybe its not a big deal for you but it is for me. MY son is not named after him. HE named himself that shortly after MY son was born. He always told people it was the other way around, but those that know me, know i would have never agreed to my son being named after anyone. Just in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t carry the name Harts for him, i do it for my son because i have never been prouder of him. And i just want the world to know that Harts Ortiz, even with his name and the origin of it, is a liar. Test my theory, ask him yourself. Ask him what his name was before Harts, i have 2 names that i remember, and no deadbeat or assface is not one of those.

But God doesn’t give you something you can’t handle right? He put that man in my life so i know how to appreciate and love in the future. I know that i want my son to be nothing like him, therefore making my job extra hard to act like mom and dad, but for my son? Its worth it. I know what i want in my man, and my man now, is more than i could have ever asked for. I never knew love felt this way. I hope that when I’m reading this again in 20 years, he would be by my side laughing with me and holding me in that way he does that hypnotizes me against the world. I learned the true value of having friends and family. I never realized how alone i was before. How me against the world i was. I was 22, why did I think the world was against me? Everything happens for a reason, one day we all find out what it was for.

5 years ago i was pregnant and i am just now starting to unravel the map called my life. Everything is slowly but surely falling into place, and i pray that i continue to find the meaning. I understand now that my bitterness was a way to keep myself closed off. I was on a relationship when i was 17 years old. I knew nothing about life about love. He never allowed me the chance to grow into my own woman, and now that i am, I’m loving and appreciating life more.

Until Next Time,

Hopefully not too soon but not to far away
Vanesa

The Perfect Man

Many women wonder when the perfect guy is going to come to them. They wonder why it seems that all their friends have found happiness and they’re the only ones left to seek their Prince Charming.
But what does the “perfect man” consist of??
Us women, are complicated individuals. We can never make up our minds about anything. What I say today about my idea of the perfect may not be what I mean tomorrow, or the day after, or in a week, not even a month from now.

 

 

My Perfect Man

  • He must be taller than me in heels
  • He must have at least one child (so he understands me when I can’t “hang out” because it is my weekend with my son)
  • He must have a good job, that gives him no more than 40 hours because I want some “us” time
  • He must be latino
  • He must be OLDER than me (by more than a month)
  • He must have the perfect skin tone
  • He must treat me like I am HIS queen, so that I can treat him like he is MY king
  • He must get along with his family (not a momma’s boy, but a man who can call his mom just to say hi)
  • He must be a good sexual partner (after at least a month of dating exclusively)
  • If he is NOT believe in a religion, than respect my views of religion
  • Must respect my political views
  • Even though he will probably never meet my son until we are well into the relationship, he has to get along with kids. I will most likely take him to a place where I know kids will be, to see how he acts around them.
  • He cannot be cheap. Not saying I’m a gold digger, I don’t mind the occasional dates to McDonald’s or the Halal guy right outside, but going out every once in a while is always good.
  • He has to like cuddling and staying indoors and watching movies
  • He cannot get jealous if I’m going out with my girls (even though a little jealously is cute)
Ok, so you get the point. This is just MY list. Every woman’s list is much different, but that doesn’t mean to say we don’t know what we want. Just because we know what we want doesn’t mean that we’ll get it though. I can search high and low and I will never find a man who has all these qualities. But that’s not to say that there isn’t a man out there that doesn’t deserve my heart.
I must be the luckiest girl on the planet because I have been fortunately enough to find my “perfect man”
While he may not contain the qualities I want from my “typical” man, he is the one that has stolen my heart.

 

The Man For Me

  • He tells me he loves me every chance he gets
  • He loves to cuddle
  • He’ll watch whatever chick flick I want to watch, with occasionally watching his shows as well
  • He doesn’t chose sports over me
  • He kisses me every time, without me asking
  • He’ll call me when we’re not together, just to tell me he misses me
  • Whenever I’m happy, he’s happy
  • Whenever I’m sad he’s trying his best to make me happy
  • My family loves him
  • He understands why I go to church
  • He needs me just as much as I need him
  • He is extremely cute
  • He’s latino
  • He has an awesome personality
  • When we go on dates, everyone stares at him, but I know that at the end of the day, he’s coming home with me
  • He doesn’t have wandering eyes
  • I can hold any type of conversation with him
  • I treat him like he is my king and he treats me like I am his queen
  • He has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen
  • I know that one day he’ll be taller than me
  • He calls me mommy/mami
I have been enjoying my single life, and while sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again, I look at my life, and all those in it, and I realize that YES I WILL BE HAPPY. No one guy can define my happiness just because I want a guy. But the only man who matters has been in my life for over 3 years. He will worry about me just as much as I worry about him. And I know that he’ll never cheat on me, or deceive me, or leave me for another woman (at least until he finds out that girls make him ‘happy’) my baby boy will ALWAYS be my baby boy. Whether is he 3 or 13 or 30, he will always be the man who changed my life, he will always be the one that stole my heart, he will always be mine.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

Note To Self

So excited!

Just got my results in from my GED and I passed!

I had no doubt about myself, but it is still pretty exciting to know that I did it. I am THAT much closer to my wonderful future!

:: Looking in a mirror ::

“Good job self. Things are looking up.”

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

I Do, I Don’t

Little by little the world is starting to come to terms with me begin single.

Whether its my friends who all of a sudden wanna hang out all the time.

Or my family, who is accepting the fact that I’m single.

Or maybe even my son, who is finally putting the pieces together that mami/daddy are no longer together.

While it may have been heart breaking at first to realize that for the first time in 6 years, I was going to be ALONE, it is quite possibly the best decision me and Harts did.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still love him.

Before we dated he was my best friend, I went to him for everything. I gave him my heart and everything in between. We started a family together, and we had 2 homes that we build from the ground up (not literally). And he gave me the greatest, biggest, most wonderful gift anyone can give me, and that’s OUR son. OUR son is my world. And for that, I will never be able to thank him enough.

But you know how you could have all the love in the world for someone, and still feel that you’re not right for each other? That was us. We loved each other, but in our case, love wasn’t enough to keep us together. We tried,..oh boy did we try! But it wasn’t working. Like I said before, we were not the “perfect couple” we had our issues just like all other couples, but we always knew how to work them out, even if it was just temporary.

Eventually, it became too much to handle for the both of us. And now, we’re not together!

At first I was miserable. I thought my life was over. But each day, it grew easier and easier to come to terms with all my emotions that I was feeling. To come to terms with the fact that we wouldn’t be together. I knew in my heart, that this is what was meant to happen. The way I look at it, it’s better that it happened now, while we’re both still young, still attractive, and still have the rest of our lives ahead of us. Our future doesn’t end at this very moment.

Me and Harts are always going to have that special bond that no one can take away from us, and that’s our son. So if we happen to find love somewhere else, than that’s great! If we fall back in love with each other, great! But for right now, I’m going to do me.

The point of this blog wasn’t to tell you how happy I am without Harts. It was more of the epiphany I had.


I was talking to one of my friends, and I’m very vague about why we broke up (mainly because it’s no one’s business), and he asked me “At least you can find love again, and be happy with the next person you marry.”

When he said that, I realized, I don’t ever plan on getting married again. They always say, “don’t knock it ’til you try it.” Well I tried it, and I’m knocking it.

Hear me out.

When we first got together, and began dating everything was perfect. We still had our issues, but we both knew what we were getting ourselves into. We were both still individuals but a couple as well. And while I had some major flaws, he felt that he could be the one guy to change me. My mistake, was thinking that he could be the one guy to change me too. That’s where I fucked up. Part of me wishes I figured it out before it was too late, before somebody got hurt. 😦

For a while being married, worked, but then I started realizing that I was happy being me. But being me, wasn’t ready for a relationship. At this point it was too late, cuz I was married. We tried to make it work, but marriage isn’t for me.

Once you live with someone, everything changes. You start seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly of a person. And I guess I just wasn’t ready for that. But than I also started realizing, that I don’t think marriage will ever be for me. I don’t think I can be 100% happy living with someone and letting them control my life.

I miss the cold nights where I had an automatic person to cuddle with, I miss being able to kiss someone goodnight, or good morning. I do miss being in a relationship, but more for the companion.
And again, I realized, that just because I wanted a companion doesn’t mean I want a life long partner.

I never thought I’d be the person to marry multiple times. I always figured I’d marry once and that’s it. And I’m sticking to it.

I got married, it was a great run, but I can’t see myself doing it again!

I can’t see myself committed to being with just one person for the rest of my life.

I used to imagine myself with Harts forever, but now that I see how quickly a marriage can end, I don’t want to have to go thru this break up and heart ache again.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

No Love Like Yours

The first day I met you, I thought you were fiiiinnneeeeee!!!!!!

But I didn’t think anything of it, you were taken by one of my close friends, and I had my eye on someone else to,..

The second time we met, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. And that’s when you told me to add you on myspace. And I did!

And so the epic journey of Nadyne and Harts begins.

With our significant others being friends, it was only a matter of time before we became close. It was matter of time when our eyes would finally meet and we realize that we were going to be there together forever.

You were always there for me. You were there when family was a problem, when high school was an issue, you were there when I wanted to just be a lazy fuck and live my life at home. You were my best friend when I needed one, you were my mentor when no one was around. You showed me I could be so much more than just a “pretty face.”

And then, everything turned around. When you needed me, and I didn’t turn my back on you. When everyone left you and me and you were the only ones left. It was this moment, that I knew I could never leave you.

We had a secret relationship, a relationship that we soon grew to cherish, and to love. A relationship that soon became more than just two people. But became much more than that, when we both had our beautiful baby Hart!

I knew I loved you, when I saw you face your fear and danced with my mother for the first time.

I knew I loved you, when you looked past all my flaws.

I knew I loved you, the first time you introduced me to your mother.

I knew it was real, the first time we were intimate with each other. When I felt the fire crackers going off with just your touch.

I knew that you would be the man that I married, when my family threatened to move away, but you never once doubted us.

I knew that the love was real when you put that ring on my finger, and promised me forever.

I knew that I could love no other, when you beat the odds and stayed with me even after the big news, I’m 19 and pregnant.

I knew you stole my heart, when we created a home together, from scratch and that no matter what, I would sleep next to you forever.

I knew that my love for you would remain the same when I saw our bundle of joy for the first time, when I saw that my little angel looked like the man that I would love eternally.

I know that no matter the struggles, obstacles, problems, wrong that we do to each other, I know that at the end of the day our love for each other will concur it all.

Because your kisses, your touch, your words, makes everything better. Your patience and understanding and wisdom is worth what we have.

I can’t imagine any other lips on mine, any other fingers intertwined between mine, any other hugs holding me, or any other eyes looking at me the way yours do.

Because though we’re flawed, you will always be the perfect man for me.

I love you with all my hart ❤

❤ Harts, Nadyne and baby Hart ❤

Happy Mother’s Day

Since I found out I was pregnant, being a mom was a big deal. I was pregnant at 19, so NOT the life I imagined.

I always knew I was going to be a young mom, but 19, seriously?

  • How was I going to support this child? Yeah I had a job I loved, but my paycheck was not enough to support a family.
  • Where was I going to live? I barely wanted to stay at my mother’s house. There was barely room for me, let alone a little baby.
  • Would I have to raise this kid by myself? Nowadays what guys stick around.

Luckily I had a finance (yeah I didn’t imagine myself engaged at 19 either, but life is always going to throw something at you and you just gotta take it) who was so understanding and so happy that I was carrying his child. That we immediately started looking for a place to live. We were saving our money for months. When my finance went to work and I would be home by myself I would talk to my belly and hug it and just pray that I would be a good mom.

How, @ 19 did I expect to be a good mom? Finally I had my baby Hart in my arms and I cried for days. How can I love something or someone so much. When I took him home for the first time, he cried for 2 days which made me cry. I called my mom begging her to help him stop crying. She came right over, and she cradled him, and he stopped. Which just made me cry even more. I should’ve known why my son was crying.

The first time I felt like an ACTUAL mother, was on Valentine’s Day. Exactly 2 weeks after he was born. We were finally able to shower him. He was crying at the top of his lungs, screaming. I got in the tub with him, and he held on to me for dear life. He looked at me and just hugged me. Yes! My son has made me a crybaby, because I was crying. Because he knew I was HIS mommy, and that I would never let anything bad happen to him. He knew, @ 2 weeks old that I would always be here for him. And on February 15th, 2008, was when I knew I would always be the best mother I could be for my baby Hart.

Fast forwarding 2 years later, especially on days like today, (Mother’s Day) everyone is texting me, calling me, posting on my wall, what an awesome mom I am and they’re wishing me a happy mother’s day. But everyday that I leave towork, everyday that I go out for a drink with friends, days that I ask my mother or my sister to watch my son overnight so I could be alone with my husband, everyday that I am NOT with my son, I feel like I’m a horrible mother, because I want to have a life of my own. Because I feel I deserve a break. I feel like I’m neglecting my son. And when I cry my eyes out because I feel like a disappointment to my son, my husband ensures me that I’m not. I know that there are moms out there that DO neglect there kids with no worries at all, and I know that I’m not a horrible mother, I just want to be a better mother. I love my baby with everything that I am, and I can’t imagine loving him anymore than I already do. I spend all my free time with him, that all I could think of is taking him to work with me so he doesn’t forget my face.

And I know everyone is going to tell me I am the best mother I can be, but I am always going to feel like 2nd best compared to my mom I hope all my readers have a blessed mother’s day, and don’t that no matter what, you are truly special and loved because YOU are a mother.

Until next time

Ttyl

NH ❤