Archive for February, 2010

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

It’s me. Your daughter? Remember me?

I’m the youngest one you had with your wife in your first marriage. Well my sister doesn’t want to talk to you and i can’t blame her mainly because you’re worst than the scum of the earth. You cannot even be compared to that.

But I thought I’d write you this letter so you know that I’m fine. I’ve grown up perfectly fine without your cheating ass. I have a family of my own now. And I’ve decided to stick around for it. Yeah, it’s hard work, but if not having you around has taught me anything, is that I want to be NOTHING like you when I grow up.

I carried your name for too long. I am constantly reminded that I have your face. I have never and will never shed a tear for you, because you never existed. You cannot feel emotion for something that is nothing. And now that I KNOW where you are, you STILL don’t exist. I guess me and my son have something in common, we both won’t have YOU as a part of our lives.

Before I go to say I completely hate you, I do love you for giving me an awesome sister and brother. But just because they’re awesome, makes me hate you more! You deprived me a relationship with them. I wasn’t able to be the big sister to them. We were never able to hate each other, and beat each other up. Now we’re too old for those childish games.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH I FUCKING HATE YOU SOOO MUCH. It HURTS, that’s how much I cannot stand you. I have never wished for anything bad for anyone, but for you, I will put all those feelings aside.

Love always,

Your baby girl

Ghost DO Exist!

I think this calls for a blog, and I’m warning you now, it’s gonna be a LONNGGGG one, so stop now if you don’t want a lot of reading.

I’ve had writers block and I haven’t really wanted to write because it all sounded like bull shit. But I made this blog so my readers could understand me just a little more. I think this is definitely the time I need you guys to get me.

BTW happy groundhog (thanks groundhog for seeing your shadow smh) happy presidents day. Lincolns birthday and happy Valentine’s day.

~sigh

Valentine’s Day.

No year will EVER beat this Valentine’s Day.

A little history and fun fact about me,….me and the husband dude, don’t celebrate Valentine’s day. We’ll go out to a local diner and spoil ourselves like that, but “VDay” isn’t a big deal to us. On a more selfish note, the real “VDay” to me,….is 2 weeks away. On March 1st. It’s my birthday. So save all your dollars and spend it on my birthday 🙂 yayyyy lolsz

Ok getting serious again!!!

On this Valentine’s Day, we had a normal day, husband went to work on some pictures he had taken (he’s a photographer, don’t forget to become a fan of his on FB) we got sleepy, and when the boy went down for his nap, so did me and daddy. This was at about 6:30ish.

I wake up, and I look at my phone, and do what I always do, check Facebook (FB is my crack) and I see this new message. Ok, whatever, let me open it up. And this message is telling me my whole life story of when I was a little girl and lived in Brooklyn. I don’t know what the hell I was running thru my head, so the first thing I did, was text my sister. It turns out, (insert dramatic music here) that it was our uncle from our father’s side of the family.

Another history break, my father turned out to be one of those “typical Puerto Ricans dead-beat hit it and quit” type of guy. Except, he wasn’t smart about it; He (was forced to) married my mom and stuck around just long enough to conceive another offspring. And that’s it. In 2 weeks I’m turning 22 years old, and within those 22 years, I can count on 1 hand (whole hand not needed) how many times I’ve seen this man or HIS family. I can count on my hand, and everyone on a rush hour train, how many times I asked about him.

My memory of him isn’t so bad! The two times that I saw him, we did have fun. One time he took us to six flags, it was first time going. And I remember his white car that had no heat or air condition and that at the parking lot of six flags, broke down on us. I don’t remember how we got home, I think me and my sister fell asleep in his car and he had to drive at 2mph lolsz. I was still in elementary school for this visit, not sure the exact age. I don’t remember the details of that day, but I remember for this day I had a father.

Six Flags 🙂

Another memory is not a so positive one. My sister was in 8th grade and me in 6th. My sister needed money for her senior trip, and he magically popped into our life again, so we asked him for $50 so she could go on her senior trip (to six flag<~~ironic) he was suppose to spend the whole day with us, but he showed up late, and he only stayed for about half hour. He didn’t have the white car anymore, but he did have an 18 year old girlfriend who clinged to his arm like a prada bag on a superficial damsel.  I don’t remember her face, but I do remember thinking she could be my sister. She looked so young, and he just bragged about her, asking if my mom would be upset if she knew. Of course my mom was upset, but not because she’s 18, but because he promised us the whole day, just US!

Ok, enough history lessons. Fast forward to reality. So my “uncle” writes me on Facebook, and I am 100% shocked, but me and my sister were curious to know more. Where was our sperm donor, why hadn’t he called us, why wait til now to reach us? A lot of things run thru your head, and you don’t intend to be disrespect, but this is all bottled up inside for over a decade. Now keep in mind, that I’ve never met him before, nor my other uncle. I’ve only ever met my grandmother and my father. So what do they want now? Do they want a relationship? Do you want to be my best friends? My sister calmed me down. I woke my husband up and I told him and he thought he was still dreaming.

Me and my husband were both raised by single mothers, and we promised ourselves that our son will not have to go thru the drama we went thru with our parents. I know it was hard on my mother, to raise two girls so close in age all by herself. I was upset because I never got to be daddy’s little girl, I never even had time with him. My sister at least got 2 years with him, but he was gone shortly after my birth. So it only makes you wonder what happened. Where he went, and all that other shit.

I texted my mom and I let her know what was going on, and even she was surprised that this family even tried to reach out for me. Cuz for all we knew, we were nothing to them, just like we were nothing to him. And the reason for that, is because I am one of the easiest people to fine, once you have all my info. Yeah even though I moved, my mom has worked in the same location for 22 years. If they really wanted to find me, they would’ve found me. So eventually me and my sister just gave up. We went this long without them and that’s it. Me and my husband were great on the idea of my son having 4 grandmothers (my mom, my aunt, my mother-in-law and her lover) and no grandfather. Me and him did great with no father figure, our son would be perfect with no grandfather.

I call my sister, who wants to talk to our uncle, and we three-way him. We ask him all these questions, and he gives us the answers as truthfully as possible. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I am not scared to hurt your feelings, and I want to know more. I want my questions answered. I’m happy to know they’ve missed us, but it still doesn’t make up for the past 2 decades that they missed out. Turns out I have more than just my uncles that my mom, aunt and uncles knew about. We had 2 more aunts on my father’s side. We have a shitload of cousins (we were used to just having 1, we treated her like our baby sister) and even though me and my sister knew this already, we had another sister and a baby brother (that we begged my mom for but never got lol)/ I’m happy my uncle reached out to me and my sister, but he’s not my father. I want to see my father again, I want to form a relationship with my sister and brother. It’s so crazy how one FB friendship request can change your life forever. But at least now I know they can’t hide from me.

I saw and spoke to my grandmother yesterday too, and it’s crazy for you to think I would call her “grandma” after all this time. I already have a grandma. She’s the one that took care of me, she’s the one that cooked for me, and helped me out when I needed her. She watched my son whenever I needed her to. All these titles have to be earned and this entire family has not been around enough for me to call you “daddy,” “tio,” “tia,” “grandma” it’s just CRAZY! I already have all these things. And these are the people that have never left me at all. I am the same way with my son. Just because my sister got married, that doesn’t automatically make her husband my son’s uncle. That is a title that is earned, and that is a decision for my son to make. Now granted my brother-in-law earned that title, but that was just an example.

I’ve had 2 days to process this information, and it’s still fresh. But it’s a start.

See? I told you 2010 was going to be a new beginning for my family 😉

 

Until Next Time

TTYL

2010,..We’re better Again

We’re finally settled down in our new place, and it’s been the craziest ride ever. 

An Emotional Rollercoaster

January 19th marked one month since we lost everything. And it was a rollestcoaster ride, emotionally, mentally and pschyically. Honest, I really truly do not know how I survived 😦 

 By January 11th me and my husband had saved enough money to but a deposit and 1st months rent down on the place. We really wanted to stay within our budget. One day, my mom was taking care of our son, and me and my husband walked for 3 hours looking for places. We went into laundromats and took down the for rent signs everywhere. We called all the numbers within our budget, and we went to go look at all the places.

We finally ran into this one place. And my husband fell in love with it right away. I loved the space, but that’s it. The rooms were disgusting, they needed a lot of work done to them. The living room was a dark gray color with yucky green floors. The hallsways and the baby’s room were a really depressed beige almost orange color with the same ugly floors. The master bedroom was PURPLE. Not a pretty purple, but the most disturbing color of purple ever. Purple is actually my favorite color, but to see it on the walls, almost made me wanna throw up. The kitchen was HUGE, but it wasn’t any better. That day I saw the place, that day I gave him two checks. One for the deposit, and one for the rent. On one condition, he had to clean everything up.

Ugly House 😦

Once he gave us the keys to the place, I broke out all the cleaning supplies I knew, got on all fours, and scrubbed as hard as my arms would allow. Nothing was getting rid of those stains :(.

As the time progressed, we were still not pshyically there, the landlord painted the walls (white) covered the holes (tenants before us was a drunk) and redid the floors. We moved in, in the middle of the process, but the transformation was absolutely beautiful.

It was straight from a soap opera

When we decided to start packing all of our stuff, we were exhausted. Like I seriously did not know what I was going to do with all the clothes and toys, we didn’t have anything that we really needed. And it was starting to take a toll when we realized, we would be starting from scratch all over again. We didn’t have plates, utensils, cookingware, microwave, a bed, livingroom set. I didn’t want to move in because then reality would set in, and I realized, I was screwed.

 

And then I posted it on FB, and as happy as I was at first to move in, I needed to come to terms with the fact that I needed a push into my new life. Friends started coming left and right, I got a microwave, I got a toasteroven, I got bed sheets. One of my friends even gave me his old/new (never been slept on) mattress. I sat there in awe, that so many people would want to help me so much.

 

People ask me all the time how I’m doing, and truthfully, never better. I can’t ever imagine myself in the other house again. I don’t even know how I lasted there so long. My house is not fully complete, but the only thing I need to make this place home, is my husband and my son. Whenever I’m with them I’m complete.

Today is my son’s birthday. He turns 2 years old. And today for the first time ever, my son said that this is home. My heart melted because I am so happy that my son knows that this is the place for us. I am happy that we have officially started celebrating our new lives together. This is our first birthday celebration in the new home and I’m really exciting for the many years to come where my family, stands tall, and stands together.

 

Until next time

TTYL