Archive for November, 2010

Mommywood

Call me a celebrity feen, a walking “weekly” but I just finished reading Tori Spelling’s books. YES! Booksssssss,….I read them both, in 2 days (which doesn’t say much because she writes at a 7th grade level.)

As I’m reading “sTORI telling” I felt more of a connection with her when she was talking about all her boyfriends, and her out of mind experiences and rebelling. This is stuff that I actually already knew because I watch her reality show.

I guess this blog was processing in my head when I read “Mommywood.”

Of course, cuz I’m a mom. I like mom stories. We all deal with the same issues with different kids, and we handle them differently. And there were points in the book that made me tear, not because of her writing skills, but because I remember what that was like.

There was this one part in where she talks about moving out of “Beaver Avenue” onto a more “Hollywood” street. The transition was different because Dean (the father) was working late. Stella 4 months old was sleeping in her room, and Liam (almost 2) was crying because he wanted to sleep in his room. This wasn’t home to him. And of course Tori felt the same, trying to put her brave face on, so he wouldn’t sense her fears. So they sat down on her bed and watched a movie until he eventually went to sleep.

The first time that we moved into our place it was the same thing. We had been living in a hotel, or in my mother’s house, so that when we finally had our own place, my son wasn’t used to it. We had a crib that wasn’t his, in a room that he wasn’t used to, in an area that he didn’t recognize. As a parent it breaks my heart to have to jump from one place to another so rapidly and have that inconstancy that a child needs. It broke my heart everyday, and then we got my son a toddler bed, and we did it the wrong way. In our head we thought it’d be best to surprise him with it, since in the house he was sleeping in the pull-out-couch anyway.

When I posted it on facebook, people were asking me what his reaction was when we told him we got him a new bed, was. And I said “uhhhhh,….we haven’t exactly told him.” When my friends said they were bringing the bed over we decided to talk to our son, and he was ok with it. A new life change no big deal to him. When the bed came, it was no big deal to him. He was jumping, climbing, swinging, all that other nonsense 2 year olds build in there heads. No problems, no issues.

So what am I worried about? Kids will be kids. Boys will be boys. But then there come times when I need him too, and for some miracle he always knows that.
Whenever me and my [ex] husband fight that it hurts, my son looks at me and smiles at me and gives me a kiss and a hug, and tells me everything is going to be ok. Whenever I need someone to just hug, he’s there for me, no questions asked. Doesn’t it seem like tpp much, when you try so hard to depend on your 2 year old to cheer you up?

But then are most times when he comes to me. It seems mommy’s kisses fix everything. He stubs his toe, it’s ok mommy will kiss it. He falls and scrapes his knee, let me cry until mommy kisses it. He bumps his head, it’ll be all better once mommy kisses it. You get the point.

When I left my job(s) and took a different toll in my life, I wanted to be more hands-on. And my son noticed, and loved every minute of it. There were times when a hug/kiss from me was fine.

Right now, I’m writing this blog on my phone, with my son sleeping in the bed with me? Why? Because him and I both miss daddy. Mommy and daddy are no longer together and daddy can’t kiss him goodnight. With my [ex] husband as a sahd (stay at home dad) for a year, he was used to mommy bathing him, changing him, tucking him in, and daddy reading him the book and kissing him goodnight. Now it’s different.

Being a mom, is one of the biggest blessings I could ever ask for, and its something I would never give back. Even if there are days that my son’s outrageous behavior is too much to handle, the fact that he wants to hold MY hand when we cross the street, the fact that he wants ME to help him use the bathroom, or ME to make him dinner, really makes everything worthwhile.

Now, to read “CandyLand” by Candy Spelling

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

I Can’t Believe It

I cannot believe that I have been blogging for over a year already.

I was just reading my blog of things to be thankful for last year, and I cannot believe the progression and the following that has grown thru these last months/year.

I’ve been nervous to write a new blog because it touches a subject that I don’t want to hit, because I’m not ready to hit it yet, but I think now that I’m in front of computer is a better time than any.

People have been commenting me on facebook or sending me private messages or sending out blast on bbm’s about how emo I have been acting lately. And everyone and anyone who knows me, knows that this is not how I act. This is not me. I am not emo, I am not the person to be sulking over the bad shit that happens in my life. I always look for the positive in everything, and while I DO see the positive, the progression in my life right now, and the sudden change, HURTS like hell.

As I expressed 2 blogs ago, me and my husband were having issues in our marriage, and I think me and him finally got over that fear of not being together, and realized that even if we are not together, we would still make great parents to our son.

That being said, me and my husband are no longer together (hence the relationship change on facebook)


Right now, we are going to take this time to reflect on who we are. We’re still young, and we’re both fairly attractive, so whose to say that our life should stop in our 20’s?

That’s all anyone is getting on that subject, but on that note, I would like to thank EVERYONE who has reached out to me, to allow me to vent. All those “strangers” that volunteered getting drunk or partying or anything to get my mind off of things. I know I haven’t been myself lately.

And moving forward with my life, it is me and my son now!

I think the biggest thing that scared me was that I’m already a statistic, especially within my sex and race. I’m a spanish female that dropped out of high school and got pregnant as a teenager and got married, and now I’m on the verge of divorce. That’s too much to handle, but even with that said, I will never turn the clock around, because over everything, my husband is my best friend, and while we may not be right now, I know that everything will work out because we both love our son and put him first over everything else – including our feelings for each other.

Now that it’s in writing and it’s in my blog, everyone should know. I will not speak to anyone in detail of what happened pr why it happened, it’s no one’s business, but just know that your support and love to the BOTH of us, has not gone unnoticed, and we really appreciate the love all around.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

Adam and Steve

I know I’ve done it, as have many parents.

We wait 9 long months for our child to be born. We hold

them in our arms, and assume what their personality is like when they are older. We assume, “oh he’s dancing to my favorite artist, he’s definitely going to be a musician.””Look at the way he holds a pencil and can already tell colors, look how perfect his lines are. He’s going to be an artist.”

We’ve all done it. And I’ve played victim to that. Then my niece was born. By now its no surprise that me and my husband are having problems at home. When my niece was born of course we (by we I mean “I”) had baby fever. My sister had posted on facebook saying that my brother-in-law wanted their daughter to be a daddy’s girl. And we went back and forth saying stupidness about all the kids involved. Including my son, their nephew.

I want a momma’s boy. I do! But than I worry that he’ll be a little pansy in school, get picked on etc. But then as he grows up and hangs out with daddy a little more, he’ll start to see that daddy is cooler then mommy, and he’ll forget about me.

For some reason I have predetermined that me and my husband will only have boys (even though he wants his daddy’s girl too) so I’ve created this scenario on my sister’s facebook status, that my 2nd boy will be gay. So we’ll have the best of both world. He won’t be into sports (yay me) but he’ll be into shopping (yay me) he’ll dress very metrosexual (yay daddy) and still pee standing up (yay daddy).

It was a joke! I hope you realize this!

Apparently my mom doesn’t get it. I’m not saying I want my child to be gay, but if he/she so happens to be, then what am I going to do? Love them any less? I’ve ask my mom, would you love your grandkids any less if you knew they were gay? No you wouldn’t. Why would I?

We live in a world, where kids have been bullied to the point of them feeling the need to take their own life. Why? Maybe because not only did they not feel accepted in school, but at home either? In a perfect world, everyone would get along, but unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world. This shit doesn’t happen.

And I pointed this out to me mom, “if your grandson found out he was gay at age 13, would you abandon him? Or would you rather he be able to talk to you, and know that you have his support no matter which way he swung.” Her response, “it is your job as his mother to teach him the right way.” She was of course referring to the whole “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” term. And I came back with, “the reason being ‘gay’ is frowned upon is because they feel that the reason a man and a woman are to be together is to reproduce. Make more offsprings. Nowadays, there are 16 year old GIRLS who are having babies and throwing them in the dumpster because they don’t want them, but there is a happy GAY couple, that wants to have children, but don’t have the means to have them themselves. Why do gay people need to be able to ‘reproduce’ when people who have that right, abuse it?” And of course, she just stood shut. This all started as a not so serious conversation between my mother, father and myself. And my father took his daughter’s side. My mother may look young, but she has her old fashion moments.

I stand by what I said. I’m not gay. I will never say that I am, because that’s not who I am. But their is nothing wrong with being who you are. I want to be somebody that my son can feel he can talk to. I know there are people who are afraid to come out because the reaction there parents/family/friends will have. But not me, I will love my son no matter what.

Yes, I’d prefer biological grandkids, but any means to an extended family is always my preference. 🙂

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

Family Portrait

“Momma please stop cryin, I can’t stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin’ me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you
said”

A song I grew up loving. I felt some sort of connection. I always pictured this is how life was before my dad left my family. Of course I was too young to realize it. Little did I know that this song would be about me one day and that my son would be dedicating the song to me. Well not so much in those words, but just keep reading and you’ll see.

“You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done
my family ”

It seems that whatever “perfect image” me and my husband have portrayed to the world, is finally coming down to bite us in the butt. Lately it seems that we fight about everything, everyone, and every aspect inbetween it all. I’m too bitchy for his taste, he’s too careless for mine. Its the same argument day in and day out. The glue holding us together?? Our son.

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave “

We try, on a daily basis to work it out. To talk, to figure this out. But everyday with the same arguments, the same resolutions come. We would “try” to work it out. Come tomorrow, our “trying” went right out the window and we would “try” again. Just to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

“Daddy please stop yellin, I can’t stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too “

My husband and I have always been a good team. We always “worked thing out.” We always communicated. We never went to sleep angry. Everything was as perfect as you can expect us to be. Of course we always had our issues, but we always managed. This last time just seemed to be the icing on the cake. I fucked up bad! And it seems like there is no room for repairment. But we’re “trying.”

I went karaoke for my cousin’s birthday, and we sang “Family Portrait” and I teared a little, because I was picturing my son singing this song to me the way I often sang it to my father. I could never forgive myself for my son seeing us always fighting. We need to figure something out before it’s too late.

“I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have
no choice, no way
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I’ve seen
I don’t want love to destroy me like it did my family”

I remember when I ran away from home. I was 15 years old, and I hated the world. It was me against the world. My mother favored my sister, my aunt favored her daughter, my grandparents favored my cousin, I was the “bad-ass” of the family. Anything wrong was my fault. And I think to myself, what am I going to do when my son runs away? I often put blame on the fact that my father was never around to love me. It was his fault that I was the odd man out. So I think, if I don’t reconcile with my husband, is my son going to hate me for breaking up our small family? Especially since the start of the constant bickering,……was my fault?

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t leave”

When I looked at my parent’s separation filing and there final divorce papers, it was shortly after my birth, so of course I always felt that it was my fault. It was my fault because I was a girl not the boy that he always longed for. They didn’t want me. They were 20 with 1 child and another on the way, any man would run from there. I can’t allow my son to think he’s the reason we’re not working anything out. I’m the one to blame. Me and my husband have our issues, not to be included with that of our son. We both love him unconditionally, but having experienced this song personally, really hits home when I think of the numerous problems me and my husband have.

“In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, let’s act like it comes
naturally
I don’t wanna have to split the holidays
I don’t want two addresses
I don’t want a step-brother anyways
And I don’t want my mom to have to change her
last name

My husband joked that it would be awesome for our son to experience 2 everythings, especially since me and him only had one of everything, since we were both raised by single mothers. But there’s so much to factor. How selfish would it be if we didn’t even TRY to work it out and have our son battle it out between two different households, not including time with the 2 sets of grandparents.

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, act like it goes naturally”

All 3 of us, pose for cameras and act “perfect” but we’re far from it. The mutual love that we share for our son is never going to go away, but we can’t keep pretending that everything is ok.

I decided to write a blog that was a little different, a little more personal than I’m used to, because this “perfect image” that people have of us, is really cramming our style. When we tell mutual friends that we’re having problems they find it so unbelievable. After all, in the eyes of the public, we’re protrayed in one way. Behind closed doors, we’re battling to try and make this relationship work.

I always promised myself that I would not stay in a relationship just for the sake of the kids, I’ve watched enough TV and movies, to know that it doesn’t work. Most times kids use it against you either way and you end up failing because they use it as your weakness. And by all means, I’m not staying in here for my son, but he plays a small role in it.

I love my husband, and when I think of the days that we fell in love, the days in where we got along, and the battles that we have both dealt with in our personal lives (me with my father and him with his health conditions–to be discussed in a later blog) and the struggles we’ve had together (the fire) it all seems worth fighting for in the end. But for right now, like many relationships, we’re not perfect, just living each day one by one.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook