So I watch my son, my beautiful handsome son, grow up and I get scared.

Moms are not supposed to admit that they’re human and they have fears in their lives, especially when it comes down to their own personal children. Moms should always know best and always be on top of everything. But the more my son grows and gets bigger and becomes smarter beyond belief, the more frighten I become.

I talk to my non-parental friends, and they talk about how screw up there childhood were, the gangs, the violence, the sex that was surrounding them 24/7, I talk to my father and he talks to me about the many deaths of his friends that he has seen, and I thank my mom because I have been so conseravative and naive to all the violence in NYC. I talk to parents of kids who are already adults, and see the difference in the generations, and it scares the shit out of me.

I can try my best to raise my son right, but when he goes to school he’ll be surrounded by all his friends. I can guide him to make the right decisions, pick the right friends, but I can only do so much. My mom was involved in my life and even than I made some wrong turns, and I get scared that I won’t be the best mom. I’m scared that sometimes I’m too much of a push-over and let my son get away with things that he shouldn’t. Or that I’m overly punishing my son for something petty. Shouldn’t my son be active and into sports by now? I’m not sports oriented, you should be so lucky to see me throw a ball let alone catch it. I remember my mom trying to do sports with us, but we weren’t really into it. I can’t let my son grow up to not be a manly man. How is my son gonna grow a pair if mommy’s always behind him. But than I feel if I’m not watching his every move, something bad is going to happen.

I have to be realistic with myself, I never thought that I would raise my son by myself. I always thought I would have help whenever I doubted myself as a mother. I know my son loves me. I know he looks up to me, but what’s the limit between disciplinary to friend? I always thought that I would never have to worry about the “guy” issues because the male figures in his life would handle it, but right now? His male figures are me, myself and I. What a great male role model ill be, I don’t even like kicking the ball because I have no aim. What types of talk am I supposed to have with my teenage son when he discovers all his male parts and male feelings?

I know I’m a good mom, but I’m scared that I won’t be the best mom in the world. its scary writing this blog because mom always knows best. Mom has your best interest in heart, but mom never doubts herself. All this doubt is coming in my heart because its just me and him. Just mommy and baby forever. Just the two of us. No child wants to hear there mom doubting themselves.

I know that the teenage boy is a long way to come, but I can’t help thinking about it, especially when I see society teenage boys acting more rude and ignorant than ever.

Until Next Time
NH

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