One of the things that I have promised myself is that I will be 100% honest with my readers and mostly, with myself.

I write these blogs and then reread them later in life, to remember my feelings, to remember the person that I was to the person that I am.

I wrote one blog awhile ago about my personal appearance and how I felt about it. And now that I’m single, my appearance means more to me than ever before.

I don’t want to be the same person I was when I was with Harts. During every aspect of an individual’s life, we go thru different phases. And being the married housewife, was a phase I was going thru and now, I am the single mom.

How does my appearance and behavior reflect the newly single mom.

This is an embarrassing fact about myself. When I was with Harts, I let myself go. In every matter possible. My weight at the time of our separation, was 188lbs. I’m only 5’6 so that’s actually alot for someone my age and weight. I was battling with obscenity and I never saw it.

Within two months of our separation, I lost 15lbs. I realized that the stress of being in a marriage I no longer wanted to be in, was causing me to gain weight. I started eating right, and I started getting back in contact with friends that I’ve lost because of my relationship.

With the 15lbs lost, came so many benefits. I gained old and new friends, I gained confidence, I gained freedom from myself and became worry-free. So here I am 173lbs, with the my pants fitting me better than they have in a long time.

What do I do next?

My son’s birthday was fast approaching, I was talking to this one guy that made me feel happy but nothing serious with him it made me realize that I was beautiful to other guys other than my estranged husband, and I started to lose more weight. I bought this shirt/dress that with the right shoes and hair style, would look really nice. I was more confident than ever.

Once my son’s birthday passed, my birthday was next and I knew that I had to look and feel sexier than ever. I died my hair. I went from dark brown to almost black hair to blondish/reddish hair. I bought new contacts lens, I upgraded my makeup supply, and started watching what I ate. And there went another 9lbs.

By the time my birthday came around, I was feeling better than I have in a long ass time.

As the compliments about my new free-spirited lifestyle were gassing my head, I gained the weight again.

Let me explain how I got into this next decision. Ever since I can remember, it has always been me, my older sister and my younger cousin. My sister being the oldest, always got everything first. My cousin was the baby so she was always spoiled like crazy. And me, the “middle child” always had my weight. I was always the skinniest one out of all 3 of us.

The other day, all 3 of us are hanging out in my aunt’s bedroom, just having a girl’s day and my aunt is going thru clothes that no longer fit her. She’s asking us if we all want them. So all three of tried on the same pants, and the pants fit all three of us. The skinny person inside was screaming and crying, how did I let myself get so bad that I actually fit into the same pants as my sister and cousin. Don’t get me wrong, they’re not fat, but I have always been skinnier than them, and now, we’re all around the same. (They’re both a few inches shorter than me too.)

My mom wakes up the following day and says she’s going to the gym, so I decided, to renew my gym membership with her and my sister. I’ve been to the gym before, and it’s a great feeling taking care of myself, but you lose the motivation to go when you have no one with you.

So me and my sister, started working out together 🙂 I was so scared to step on the scale. But that’s the only way you know if you’re reaching your weight. And as I step on the scale, I move the lever to 150lbs automatically and I start fidgeting with the single lever. I pushed it to 165lbs because that was my last known weight. And it still wasnt balancing. I looked at my sister, and we both knew that meant I had to work that much harder. And finally it balanced at 167lbs. I had gained 3lbs since the last time I weighted myself. In my head, the skinny girl in me was crying again, but the 188lb girl was yelling at me reassuring me that I should never get that big again. When my sister stepped on the scale, I saw that she too was disappointed at her weight, but I was even more disappointed. Me and her are less than 10lbs apart in weight, but I am still bigger than her.

My motivation, I must be smaller than my sister.

Before it was easy to escape the fact that I gained weight, because I was always with Harts and “he loved me no matter what.” But now that I have living proof standing in front of me on a regular basis.

This is not acceptable. If anyone had asked me before what my weight was, I would have never told them, but now that I am working on it, and know that I can feel beautiful without the worry and stress of a broken marriage, I can say my weight, because I know that I will not be that weight for long.

Current Weight: 167lbs 

Goal Weight: 145lbs 

Target Loss: 22lbs

Wish me luck

Until Next Time

NH ❤