Ugghhhh!!!!

Ok, so maybe because my period is supposed to be coming tomorrow, or maybe because I’m finding a reason to be angry! I don’t know what the fuck the reason is, but my son’s father really aggravates the crap out of me.

The truth is I know him too well and it messes with my head. And it may not be a fair advantage to him. Or vice-versa.

Yesterday me and him got into an argument over random bullshit. Since me and him are going to be a part of each other’s life for AT LEAST the next 15 years, me and him are trying to figure out ways to talk to each other, without driving each other insane, but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way.

We have been together for 5 years and separate for 3 months, so in the 5 years that we were together, we have both found the loop holes to piss each other off. We both know how we both handle our anger, we both know how we choose to cool off. We both know each other better than we know ourselves sometimes.

And that’s what makes it so hard to like him sometimes.

It’s my fault though.

My entire adult life, I was with one person, and I grew comfortable to one person. I grew to be like him, I grew to know the ins and outs of him. I knew all his bad habits, I knew how he lied, and when he lied, and even more, when he would choose to lie. I know how he sleeps and gets out of the bed every morning. I know EVERYTHING about this guy. And that has its disadvantages.

Since we have been separated, I have taken the time to reflect on myself. To think about why my marriage has failed. I’m sure that he’s been doing the same thing too. And I know that I have changed myself to better myself as a person. I have taken a look at myself and realized, if my husband can’t stand me than I need to see what I can do to change. And while it has only been 3 months, I feel the change. But then when it comes to him again, the old me comes out and I feel the flames coming out of my ears.

So it has me thinking, I know I’ve changed, and even the people around me have seen the change, but to my husband, I will always be that same person. He’s not giving me the benefit of the doubt that these 3 months have made a difference.

Every time an argument starts it always starts with “But I KNOW you,…”

Maybe I don’t know him anymore. Maybe he’s a different person as well. I know he’s been going thru a lot of shit and I know that he needs my support, and I know that it brings the both of us stress that we can’t be there for each other. I just don’t know how to let go of the person that I used  to know and open up to the person that is supposed to be standing in front of me.

I don’t know how to let go of the bitch in me when I’m in front of him, as I’m sure he doesn’t know how to let go of the wall of defenses, when he’s in front of me.

Sometimes, I hate that the only thing I have is my blog to vent to. I love my friends, but talking to them is the worst. Because they always side with me. They always tell me that he’s an asshole, that he’s a jerk etc. No! Sometimes I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. Sometimes I need a true friend to understand that I’m wrong too; not just him.

Until Next Time

NH<3

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