“Momma please stop cryin, I can’t stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin’ me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you
said”

A song I grew up loving. I felt some sort of connection. I always pictured this is how life was before my dad left my family. Of course I was too young to realize it. Little did I know that this song would be about me one day and that my son would be dedicating the song to me. Well not so much in those words, but just keep reading and you’ll see.

“You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done
my family ”

It seems that whatever “perfect image” me and my husband have portrayed to the world, is finally coming down to bite us in the butt. Lately it seems that we fight about everything, everyone, and every aspect inbetween it all. I’m too bitchy for his taste, he’s too careless for mine. Its the same argument day in and day out. The glue holding us together?? Our son.

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave “

We try, on a daily basis to work it out. To talk, to figure this out. But everyday with the same arguments, the same resolutions come. We would “try” to work it out. Come tomorrow, our “trying” went right out the window and we would “try” again. Just to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

“Daddy please stop yellin, I can’t stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too “

My husband and I have always been a good team. We always “worked thing out.” We always communicated. We never went to sleep angry. Everything was as perfect as you can expect us to be. Of course we always had our issues, but we always managed. This last time just seemed to be the icing on the cake. I fucked up bad! And it seems like there is no room for repairment. But we’re “trying.”

I went karaoke for my cousin’s birthday, and we sang “Family Portrait” and I teared a little, because I was picturing my son singing this song to me the way I often sang it to my father. I could never forgive myself for my son seeing us always fighting. We need to figure something out before it’s too late.

“I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have
no choice, no way
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I’ve seen
I don’t want love to destroy me like it did my family”

I remember when I ran away from home. I was 15 years old, and I hated the world. It was me against the world. My mother favored my sister, my aunt favored her daughter, my grandparents favored my cousin, I was the “bad-ass” of the family. Anything wrong was my fault. And I think to myself, what am I going to do when my son runs away? I often put blame on the fact that my father was never around to love me. It was his fault that I was the odd man out. So I think, if I don’t reconcile with my husband, is my son going to hate me for breaking up our small family? Especially since the start of the constant bickering,……was my fault?

“Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t leave”

When I looked at my parent’s separation filing and there final divorce papers, it was shortly after my birth, so of course I always felt that it was my fault. It was my fault because I was a girl not the boy that he always longed for. They didn’t want me. They were 20 with 1 child and another on the way, any man would run from there. I can’t allow my son to think he’s the reason we’re not working anything out. I’m the one to blame. Me and my husband have our issues, not to be included with that of our son. We both love him unconditionally, but having experienced this song personally, really hits home when I think of the numerous problems me and my husband have.

“In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, let’s act like it comes
naturally
I don’t wanna have to split the holidays
I don’t want two addresses
I don’t want a step-brother anyways
And I don’t want my mom to have to change her
last name

My husband joked that it would be awesome for our son to experience 2 everythings, especially since me and him only had one of everything, since we were both raised by single mothers. But there’s so much to factor. How selfish would it be if we didn’t even TRY to work it out and have our son battle it out between two different households, not including time with the 2 sets of grandparents.

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, act like it goes naturally”

All 3 of us, pose for cameras and act “perfect” but we’re far from it. The mutual love that we share for our son is never going to go away, but we can’t keep pretending that everything is ok.

I decided to write a blog that was a little different, a little more personal than I’m used to, because this “perfect image” that people have of us, is really cramming our style. When we tell mutual friends that we’re having problems they find it so unbelievable. After all, in the eyes of the public, we’re protrayed in one way. Behind closed doors, we’re battling to try and make this relationship work.

I always promised myself that I would not stay in a relationship just for the sake of the kids, I’ve watched enough TV and movies, to know that it doesn’t work. Most times kids use it against you either way and you end up failing because they use it as your weakness. And by all means, I’m not staying in here for my son, but he plays a small role in it.

I love my husband, and when I think of the days that we fell in love, the days in where we got along, and the battles that we have both dealt with in our personal lives (me with my father and him with his health conditions–to be discussed in a later blog) and the struggles we’ve had together (the fire) it all seems worth fighting for in the end. But for right now, like many relationships, we’re not perfect, just living each day one by one.

Until Next Time

NH<3

*Don’t forget to follow me on twitter & facebook

Advertisements