I wrote a blog about a year ago talking about if the type of music you listen to defines the type of person you are.

And it makes me think, if your everyday life, really incorporates that as well.

When I was in high school, I dyed my hair outrageous colors I changed my style of clothes on a weekly basis, my group of friends changed based on my school schedule. And everything about high school was about change, change, change. High school was about teaching us how to behave in the future.

When I dropped out of high school, I thought I was making the best choice for me, and I got a job. In my job, my appearance came to me by what position I held. I couldn’t dye my hair outrageous colors and my outfit changes were limited to my uniform. My face had to be clean with minimal amount of make-up on my face. Outside of work, I was still able to wear my cut up jeans, pleather pants with netted shirts, or exposing tank tops, and drastically high heels and no body gave a rats ass. As long as in work, I was appropriate.

When I got pregnant, because my body was changing, my wardrobe had to change to, but I still felt I had some individualism. Maternity clothes is not THAT bad. I wore regular clothes just a size or 2 bigger then I normally would. I stopped wearing high heels because I couldn’t balance myself on them. And this is just a normal day of my life.

When I got my new job, I was required to dress in professional attire, and there went all my jeans, tank-tops and they were all replaced with slacks and button down shirts. And for the weekends, the occasional slutty dress or oversized shirt with the proper belt to be made into a dress. My hair had to be kept in tack, and professional attire was strongly encouraged. No uniform this time. This is stuff I had 2 invest in, and do for myself. And little by little my style became that of a working mom! And the high school me, was vanishing!

As I left that job and went to a job that encourages personal identity, it downs on me…..what is MY identity? My wardrobe still reflects the working mom. I don’t own a pair of sneakers, and most of the shoes I have are flats, sandals or shoes with a barely there heel.

I’m only 22!!!!!!

When did I start dressing like a woman of 32???

And I start thinking to myself,….who am I?? Now that I’m allowed to express my individuality again? I want to dye my hair a crazy color, no restrictions. I want to pierce something out of the ordinary. I want a new change of outfits, and I want my shoes to show off my legs.

But what’s the balance?

When I was 16 it was ok to dye my hair purple, blue, green, pink, red etc. I was trying to find myself then. When I was working, these colors were not ok, because it gave the illusion of a regular person, instead of an employee.
At 16, my outfit fit the mood I was feeling and the friends I had.
As an employee, I was no longer me, but I worked for them and was under there control.

So I think to myself. I want to dye my hair crazy, bottle beach blonde. This time, no judgment from my boss!!! I want to pierce my tongue and my lip, no judgment from the person who signs my checks. I want to wear plether pants with platform boots and netted shirts, with no judgment from the man upstairs.

But then I think,……how ridiculous am I going to look, a 22 year old trying to dress like a 16 year old.

Now that I’m in school, I see a bunch of 18/19 years old dressing like they belong in an episode of Sex and the City. All of them wearing heels, all of them wearing designer shirts. Call me old fashion, but I hate the way they dress. It looks like they put more of an effort on how they dress, then the actual school work etc. And then I see myself, wearing jeans, flats and a tee, and lately with an old navy hoodie for guys. These girls are only 19 years old. That’s 3 years younger then me! Who are they? Have they found themselves? We’re not that far apart in age, but it seems that there head is more entact to there body and they “know” who they are.

But I’m not only 22 years old. I’m also a mom. I don’t want to dress ridiculous and be an embarrassment for my son. When you become a mom, the first rule in the “Mom manual” is “it’s no longer about YOU.” And “everything you do is a reflection of what your child will grow up to be.” So if I dress carelessly, are his teachers, friend’s parent going to think any less of me? Will they think that I’m naïve for denying my age? Is my son going to look at me any less, if I dress more like a “person” instead of a mom? Do I have to wear “mom” high waisted pants and knitted sweaters, just to emphasize the mom-factor?

I’ve been having an identity crisis lately. Everything that I’ve ever done, or however I have dressed or acted, has always been influenced by my surroundings.

I can’t seem to find the middle ground. I’m supposed to be a free-spirit, student and a mother. Where is the clothing department for that?!? If that high-waisted skinny jean with nike heels, and a knitted, netted sweater??? With minimal make-up but “snooki” type hair???????????????????????

Until Next Time

NH<3

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