Since I found out I was pregnant, being a mom was a big deal. I was pregnant at 19, so NOT the life I imagined.

I always knew I was going to be a young mom, but 19, seriously?

  • How was I going to support this child? Yeah I had a job I loved, but my paycheck was not enough to support a family.
  • Where was I going to live? I barely wanted to stay at my mother’s house. There was barely room for me, let alone a little baby.
  • Would I have to raise this kid by myself? Nowadays what guys stick around.

Luckily I had a finance (yeah I didn’t imagine myself engaged at 19 either, but life is always going to throw something at you and you just gotta take it) who was so understanding and so happy that I was carrying his child. That we immediately started looking for a place to live. We were saving our money for months. When my finance went to work and I would be home by myself I would talk to my belly and hug it and just pray that I would be a good mom.

How, @ 19 did I expect to be a good mom? Finally I had my baby Hart in my arms and I cried for days. How can I love something or someone so much. When I took him home for the first time, he cried for 2 days which made me cry. I called my mom begging her to help him stop crying. She came right over, and she cradled him, and he stopped. Which just made me cry even more. I should’ve known why my son was crying.

The first time I felt like an ACTUAL mother, was on Valentine’s Day. Exactly 2 weeks after he was born. We were finally able to shower him. He was crying at the top of his lungs, screaming. I got in the tub with him, and he held on to me for dear life. He looked at me and just hugged me. Yes! My son has made me a crybaby, because I was crying. Because he knew I was HIS mommy, and that I would never let anything bad happen to him. He knew, @ 2 weeks old that I would always be here for him. And on February 15th, 2008, was when I knew I would always be the best mother I could be for my baby Hart.

Fast forwarding 2 years later, especially on days like today, (Mother’s Day) everyone is texting me, calling me, posting on my wall, what an awesome mom I am and they’re wishing me a happy mother’s day. But everyday that I leave towork, everyday that I go out for a drink with friends, days that I ask my mother or my sister to watch my son overnight so I could be alone with my husband, everyday that I am NOT with my son, I feel like I’m a horrible mother, because I want to have a life of my own. Because I feel I deserve a break. I feel like I’m neglecting my son. And when I cry my eyes out because I feel like a disappointment to my son, my husband ensures me that I’m not. I know that there are moms out there that DO neglect there kids with no worries at all, and I know that I’m not a horrible mother, I just want to be a better mother. I love my baby with everything that I am, and I can’t imagine loving him anymore than I already do. I spend all my free time with him, that all I could think of is taking him to work with me so he doesn’t forget my face.

And I know everyone is going to tell me I am the best mother I can be, but I am always going to feel like 2nd best compared to my mom I hope all my readers have a blessed mother’s day, and don’t that no matter what, you are truly special and loved because YOU are a mother.

Until next time

Ttyl

NH ❤

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