You know that feeling when you just don’t care anymore?

The feeling of emptiness?

 Yeah, that’s how I’m feeling.

 When I was in high school I became really close to this guy. He actually became one of my best friends. I would run to him and vice versa. He knew my family and I knew his. The thing with me is that I VALUE my friendships. I bust my ass to make these friendships work, because you never know when you’re going to need them, or when they’re going to need you.

 I guess you could say that I wear my heart on my sleeve, because I truly do.

 So this friend of mine, I’ve actually known him since middle school but we didn’t become close until high school. Sophomore/junior year came rolling around and we began dating. It worked so well with us because we were friends first. And again, we already knew everything we possibly could about each other, and that why we felt it was ok to date.

I know what you’re thinking, that if it doesn’t work out you risk losing a friendship with that person. But things didn’t work out with us as boyfriend and girlfriend but we remained friends either way.

Fast forward to after high school years.

On special occasion I hear from him, like birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. but we were pulling away from each other. It would be every so often that we would reconnect and start talking on a daily basis, but this usually just last a week. But every time we talk it feels great because we’re friends like we were in high school. We reminisce and of course make each other feel old cuz high school was so0o long ago!! But these are good times.

One of the reasons we broke up was because his life was so hectic. But this didn’t stop us from being friends. Until recently.

 I know that we both have our own lives now. I know he has work and his family and himself to take care of, and I have my shyt too. But I still want to make time for him. I’m the type of person that deals with the NOW! Tomorrow is never guaranteed. And he agreed to this. So we promised each other, that 2010 was gonna be a better year for us. Because true friends (which is what we are to each other) are truly hard to find.

As of today, May 7, 2010 we have still not seen or spent time together, like we promised.

 Ever since the fire that took my home (read here to find out what I’m talking about) I’ve been trying to have a positive outlook on my life. Every negative always comes with a positive. And I promised myself and my family, that we would live for the now and the today because only God knows when it’s the end. So I feel I’ve been living up to my end of the bargain, living everyday like it was my last, but I can’t get the same from him.

 He was around when the fire happened. He was around when I found my new place. He was around when our business was rising. He was around for my birthday. He was around when I met my father. He was even around last week, when nothing happened. He was around.

He just never makes the efforts like I do. I TRY my hardest to be there for him too, but he’s not allowing me in anymore. You could try and try until your blue in the face, but nothing’s going to happen if the other person doesn’t want it to happen.

 So, if I’m going to keep living in the NOW! Then it’s over. I can’t keep stressing (mind you this is my first time in 2010 really STRESSING someone out) myself out over someone who doesn’t want me in his life.

 The signs were all there. This is like high school all over again. He broke my heart back then, and he’s breaking it now. The only difference, now, I’m breaking the habit now.

 I’m done with the bull shit, the excuses, the lies, and the neglect. I’m done with being on the bottom of the list. I’m tired of all the games. I really am.

 I have my few selected friends that I love dearly, and that no matter what, I will never leave them. They’re 4 girls and 1 guy.

My baby cousin – Twix ❤ cuz she already knows me inside and out. (I posted a status on fb saying that I’m done with his bs even after 7 years I don’t learn, and she texted me,…”what did this heffer do now?” Lmfao)

My Best Friend for LIFE! – ShortE,…I tell her EVERYTHING! And she tells me EVERYTHING, and sometimes we don’t even have to talk to know what we mean.

My big sister — Milkyway 😉 that even though she’s slow sometimes in knowing who this blog was first about, lolsz,..i know she would always be the person to knock some common sense into me and put me in my place!! :-p

My friend from HS – hmm,…I don’t have a nickname for her—maybe,..soccer girl?? Lolsz,…I know I can always count on her to be around!! She’s definetly one of the few, that even though we don’t speak everyday she’s always around.

And the guy,…as cheesy as it is,…my husband. He’s the greatest of all time.

Moral of this blog, I am too old to be dealing with high school drama, and I think that once everyone realizes that, we would be living in a much happier world.

 Have you ever been on a diet,..wishing you were the same size you were in when you were in high school? Life is the same way. You can’t act like you’re in high school. Even though life was easier then, life is way different now and everyone has grown up. So as much as I wish my friendships have stayed the same in high school, realistically speaking,…it’s never going to be the same.

 So as much as it hurts, I’m done with him! I’m tired of just being here. I WORK on my friendships to work, and I can’t have a one-sided relationship! I can’t be in a “relationship” when I’m the only one that cares. So hopefully he reads this and sees how REAL I’m being!!

 I’m too old for this crap!

 ’til next time

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