Changes to Changing

For half of my life I have had the same best friend. We met when we were 12 years old, and this year we’re both turning 24, so yeah, half our lives, we’ve been together. This is the same best friend that lives in Georgia.

Granted we live miles and miles away from each other, me and her always remember our roots. We each remember that we made each other, and that we both love each other no matter what our zip code is. At least twice a year she comes to visit us back here in New York. For those few days that she’s here, she’s mine. All my free time is dedicated to her and vice versa. We spend all of our times with each other’s family, well you get the point.

Every time we’re together, we always go out drinking, dancing, smoking etc. Whenever we’re together it’s like no time has ever gone by. We still love each other the same, and we treat each other the same. True love never disappears, and with her? that’s all we have, true love.

I guess I never really sat down and realized how much time has passed between us. When we’re together, we still act like we’re in middle school, we always bring up high school memories, and we are always loud little spanish girls that use to gossip about nothing but the boys in our lives.

This week we’re hanging out, and on this particular night, we went out with a friend from our old high school, so of course, we’re mentioning all the ‘good times’ and we’re walking down memory lane, and it brings me back to the great times, when we had nothing to worry about except going to school and making friends. This particular night, we were hanging out, and the scenario was the same as always, me and her, feeling a little nice, and at that moment, it’s when I realized that me and her are two completely different people. She’s the girl who always has to have an answer and plan for everything. I’m the type of girl that doesn’t mind living the crazy, spontaneous life. She worry a lot about what others are going to think, and she also thinks about the consequences of everything. As opposed to me? I live for no one but me and my son, and quite frankly, everyone else’s opinions about me are completely irrelevant to where I stand in my life. Even her relationship with her family is way different from my relationship. I guess I kind of envy that, but then again, me and her are in two different places in our lives.

And it makes me wonder, how me and her are such great friends when the only thing we truly have in common is the fact that we went to the same ‘primary’ educational schools. But then because of how different we both are from each other, it allows us to be that much more alike and allows us to love each other so much more. It gives us room to be ourselves and understand others as well. This girl is forever my best friend, and forever my sister.

I’m not good with change. I’m not good at not understanding what’s going on, and being with my best friend this week, it really has shown me that no matter what, we’re both going to change in our own way. It’s up to us to keep some things the same. Sometimes change can be a good thing, it’s all a matter of how we decide to execute it to really matter.

New Year, And I’m Still ME!

I guess this is kind of a cliche; writing a blog at the end of the year talking about all my experiences and what’s going to change and what’s not. So I guess this blog should just be a Charlie Brown moment ‘wah wah wah wah wah’

This isn’t about what I failed to do, and how I can be a ‘new’ me. Why? Because I’m happy with the person I’ve become. I’m so proud of the woman I am, and I am 100% in love with myself. I love my life, and my son, and everything I do, benefits both of us.

This year, I’ve discovered what a strong person I really am. I learned how to put my pride aside, and I’ve become a better woman for that. This year, I went through a tough break up, and I went on a mission trying to find myself. I learned that its ok to ask for help from your loved ones, and its ok to accept the help and not be ashamed. I learned that its ok to be myself and accept if not everyone agrees with it. But most of all I’ve learned that my family and close friends, are always going to be there for me.

For 2012, I’m going to realize things, sooner rather than later. It took me a long time to be proud of who I am. I always felt like someone defined me, and that’s not the case. I define myself.

So ill admit, I’m not perfect, nor do I ever want to be, but I’ve learned to respect myself, how to love myself, and most of all how to love others. And these are all things I’ve never done before.

For the last couple of weeks, on and off, I’ve been moody, for different reasons. And it took me talking to my spiritual director, to realize what I already knew. God is the one person that will never disappoint me and He will never leave my side. I know many people get thrown off guard with how in-depth I am with my faith, but that’s a BIG part of who I am, and its hard to not be that person.

So for 2012, I promise never to forget God’s love for me. I promise to appreciate Him in my life. And I promise that I will live the life He wants me to live instead of me trying to convince Him that He’s wrong!

Here you go God, hit me with your best shot, I’m ready for anything you give me.

Happy New Year

The Little Things

I’ve been working so much, that lately, a simple picture of me and my son brings me to tears, because I miss him so much.

He is so sarcastic and I love it.

Today being Christmas (or after Christmas depending when I post this) I’m remembering all the things me and my son did together to prepare for the holiday. I took him to see Santa and he surprised me with how smart he was. He made sure to tell me on the train, “Mami, when I’m talking to Santa, you don’t talk to him. I tell him that I wasn Optimus prime and Bumblebee. Not you! Ok!!” He did this with the head bob and finger swag. I laugh at him, because even though he has his daddy’s face, he has my personality. I promised my big boy, that I wouldn’t talk to Santa. I never realized how hard of a task that was going to be, because I wanted to make sure Santa got the right message, but my son, definitely made me proud. I even cried when Santa asked me if he was a good boy. Of course, my smart ass son told him “Don’t talk to my mami.” Haa. But just as a reassurance he also asked Santa, “Santa, if you’re the real Santa, where are your reindeers?” Mind you, I was still tearing from answering Santa’s question, and I was laughing when I heard my son’s. How did this little boy get so smart.

Me and Harts are on good terms when it comes to our son, we talk all the time, in regards to our son. Very rarely we speak of our personal lives, but we know we’re there for each other, but nonetheless, we’re tlaking and we’re explaining our Santa stories. I told him mine, and he told me his. Our son had gone to see Santa by Daddy’s house, and he asked Santa “Why don’t you look like the same Santa I saw with my mami?” Where does this little boy get these thoughts in his head? He is too funny.

Harts agrees though, he is definitely both of our kid. My personality, and his face. Lol.

This little boy has my heart. He IS my heart. Whenever I get home and I see his beautiful face I cry because I missed so much of his day, but I know that he loves and misses me as much as I love and miss him.

Of course, my son got spoiled for Christmas. The tree was full of gifts for him and for my niece, because of course, the holidays are for the kids right? I made sure to get him Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, because my job as Santa Clause is to make sure that he gets rewarded for his nice behavior. The adults always do Secret Santa, and we make sure to go all out for each other because we’re only getting one gift as opposed to a lot for everyone. The adults went first to open gifts, and I got my Sephora makeup kit with matching brushes, which it is what I wanted, cuz I’ve turned into this girly girl I barely recongize sometimes. After the last person went (my sister) the kids started getting there gifts. My son unwraps a present, and my niece unwraps one as well, and then my cousin gives my son a present and my son gives it to me, and the second I saw my son walking towards me with it, my heart melted.

I tried to see who it was for, and he looked at me and said “Silly mami, its for you. Its from your baby.” I hugged him, and kissed him, and honestly I couldn’t help but cry. My son loved me, and wanted to make sure I had something under the tree. The fact that I was on his mind, makes me appreciate his love more than ever. I opened it and it was a shirt. Its the best shirt I will ever own in my closet because my son got it for me. It really threw me off guard to get something from him, and it really threw me off guard that he understood what something from him would mean to me.

It kills me slowly inside everyday that he’s getting so big. I love this little boy so much, that I hate leaving him everyday. But he understand mami has to work. He understands that no one will ever take my love away from him. He understands that I’m his mother. He knows that I’m his and that he’s mine and nothing will change that, and no one will come between us ever.

Being a mother, is the greatest gift of all time. When I was 19, it was scary because I didn’t even understand myself. When I was 20/21 I felt he was holding me back from living my life. And now, at 23, I understand that he wasn’t holding me back, he was allwing me to grow with him, and to appreciate the little things.

He is the smallest person in the world to me, yet he holds the biggest part of my heart all to himself.

A Year Later

On my brother-in-law’s 30th birthday, I made an appearence, but I didn’t stay. I stormed out of the party early, because me and my husband had broken up over the phone. I was too pissed to enjoy the party, and during the course of the week, we spent trying to make it work, sleeping in different sections of the house, not talking to each other for periods at a time, until eventually, I caved and slept at my sister’s house.

This was the first Thanksgiving I had spent without my husband, the first time I had slept without him or made decisions without him. We had a wedding to go as a couple, and we weren’t together anymore, so what was I supposed to do now? This is my first time back at church on a regular basis, my first visit to Santa without him. There were a lot of first that were happening in such a short period of time, and it was scary for me.

At 17 years old I was in a relationship with this man, and I had been with him since. I was 22 and didn’t really know how to have a life outside of me and Harts. Everything was always us together, and all of this was new to me.

Here I was 22, with a 2 year old, nowhere to go and no money since I had no job. It was time to start adjusting to life as an independent woman!! I moved in with my mom, went to school to get my GED, found a job, my life was looking up. I was dating more, I started hanging out with my friends more, life was great for me and my son. Me and Harts seldom got into arguments, our son knew both his parents, and loved us equally. I even went on vacation for the first time by myself. This being independent lifestyle was really doing me good.

Even when me and Harts got into a massive argument that went months of no communication with each other, life was still good. Again, my dating life was finally starting to hit off, I had forgotten what it felt like to feel pretty. Oh that’s another thing I forgot to mention, I lost soooooo much weight when me and Harts broke up. It was probably all the stress, and the fact that now I had someone to impress; myself.

Even with my blogs, I went on major emo mode with everyone. I deleted a lot of people on facebook, I blocked people on twitter, I wanted nothing to do with Harts and my aunt, his new girlfriend. I wanted none of her family members on my page, passing messages along about things that I say, and have them interpret it as something about them. I was just ready to move on, and if that meant going completely AWOL on my father’s side of the family, I had no problem doing so…afterall…I survived 22 years without them in my life, I didn’t really need them for the next 22 either right?

I’ve gone thru the phase in my life, where I really needed to find myself. I was 22 years old, and living in my ex-husband’s image. I was still depending on my mom, and my son needed HIS mom to figure herself out. So that’s exactly what I did.

I have an amazing man in my life, an adorable son, and focused fully on myself. My life is definietly looking up, and nothing is going to hold me back.

I’ve recently readded all the ‘family’ on facebook because as of right now, the only person I am looking to please, is myself. I can’t promise tomorrow, but I promise tonight

Reflection

I’ve always believed myself to be a spiritual person. I actually see the best in most people. I think that’s a great trait in a person, and especially one that I love in myself.

Yes we all have our evil side, yes sometimes we wish we can be better, but you just gotta take life as it comes. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen in my life, as well as some good shit. Everything has always balanced out for me, and I’m thankful that I am a strong person.

The holiday seasons are right around the corner, my love for everything has increased so much more and my patience has grown so much more as well.

For some reason, today, out of all days, I feel inspired to write. If you look at the date, Decemeber 19th, it reminds me of 2 years ago to date. My house caught fire, and I lost everything. People who have didn’t even know me, helped me out and reached out to me and donated small things. Those small things made a big difference to someone who had nothing. I cried tears of joy because life finally made sense. After the fire, everything was looking up for me. Everything started falling into place. I was blessed at 21, to understand the generosity and love of strangers. And now, 2 years later, I can be that person to someone else.

I chose my profession to work in customer service 6 years ago, because I felt that I could change someone’s life. Whether it was with a smile or just by simply helping them by answering a question. What people don’t realze, or what we fail to understand, is that humans are simple folks. It takes only one person to change a life.

Today at my job, a lady came in to and I saw her crying. I asked her how I could help her, and she kept refusing my help. Its 30 degrees outside, and she had a small bag. She said this was her first time in New York and that she had flown in from Florida. She was sad because she sold her car, in which she was living in for a month, to come to NY to realize that the living expenses were far greater than the $1000 she had in her pocket. I gave her a nice cup of hot chocolate and some tissues, and she poured her heart out to me. She flew to NY on a wim because she was tired of failing her life in Flordia, she was just unsure of what her next step in life would be. I offered her some food, and fresh towels, and when she left, I started looking online for some afforable temporary living arrangements for her. I printed out almost 50 pages online, of shelters, homes, hostels she could stay in that provided food for her as well. I printed out some ads online for places that hired right on the spot. I called her, and I asked if she had eaten yet, and she said no, so I offered her half of my lunch that I bought from home, and I gave her the pamplet. I’m sure she didn’t want everyone in her business so I bought her to the side and explained all the options she had while she was out here, and not to be ashamed of asking for help. I gave her access to the wifi that my job provides, and I even extended her stay by a few hours. Those tears of sadness and the feeling of being overwhelmed, quickly transformed into tears of gratitude and appreciation.

Seeing her tears broke my heart, and I felt the need to console her. I wanted to reach out to her and tell her that everything was going to be ok. She looked at me and cried and said thank you.

Sometimes a simple thank you is everything you need.

It reminded me to be humble in my life, to not take the little things for granted, and to appreciate all the little things. It bought me back to the fire, when I was forced to be humble and I was forced to ask for help.

its the little things in life that remind you how important your life really is….

Ttyl <3

Mommy’s Little Helper

My little boy is such a blessing for me. I love him to death, and I would do everything to prove that to him and everyone around.

About 3 weeks ago my son started pre-k. Of course every parent always thinks there child is the smartest, the tallest, the cutest and everything in between. Me and Harts have been alternating taking him and our schedules have really worked out well with the 3 of us being 2 different families. My son loves the new guy in my life, he’s even introduced the 2 to each other (it wasn’t as awkward as I would have thought but still lol). He’s been showing all four of us, Harts, my aunt (his girlfriend), my guy and me, everything he’s been learning in school. And you could really see the improvement, in his speech, in his communication level, in his behavior. He’s become quite a little helper as well.

In school they teach you how to share toys and responsibilty with your friends. They teach you the emergency contact numbers and manners. They’re even helping him out with his spanish (which is great since Harts and my attempt totally failed).

I discussed in a previous blog, awhile ago, of the stresses that toddlers deal with. Us as adults deal with the stresses of co-workers or school or boyfriends/girlfriends or family and the list can go on and on. But toddlers deal with stresses in a much different way, whether its by acting out, shutting themselves off, or in the case of my 3 year old handful, wetting the bed.

A few nights ago, I was up late studying for a final coming up, and I fell asleep. Laptop and everything open. Usually before going to sleep, I wake up my precious angel and take him to the bathroom. If I do this, it guarantees me a dry bed in the morning, but since I dozed off before I could do this, I was kind of already anticipating it. Come 4:43am I get woken up by a little voice whispering “mami, are you awake? Mami, I have to pee.”

For anyone that knows me, knows that I am exteremly difficult to wake up at any hour of the day. Well, if you haven’t guessed it now, my stressed out little boy, peed the bed. He was about to go back to sleep in the little puddle of urine he created, when I woke up. I took a baby wipe, wiped him down, and put on new underwear and pajama’s. I took the covers off his bed, and put them on a pile on the floor. He cuddled up on my pillow and stole my covers, and I just laid next to him. The next morning, at a decent hour, I knew I had to do laundry. I used this as an opportunity to wash the clothes used for the last couple of days, and I keep handing my child some clothes to put in the washer. I had already put the soaps in, so it was really a matter of filling the machine. This was my second load, and I had clothes in the dryer as well. I ask my little helper to grab the clothes from the dryer so I could fold the clothes and have room for the new load. He nodded his head and confirmed “you want me to bring the clothes from the machine? Ok I got it mami.”

A few minutes passed, I finished putting new covers on both our beds and tidying up….hmm what was taking this boy so long? I decided to trust my instinct and check on him. I walk to the laundry room, and my 3 year old is on top of a chair which he climbed, taking clothes out of the washer. My whole floor is soaked and full of a puddle. The linen which was originally filled with urine, and now soap water, was on the floor. And my baby smiles and says “I’m getting the clothes from the machine for you mami.” What am I supposed to do but smile? He made such an innocent and cute mistake, but he was trying to help me. He is soaked himself, head to toe and it was the cutest site I had ever seen. My little helper. I start cleaning up myself, grabbed a mop, and then his smile turned into a little frown. He thought he was in trouble. He looks at me with his doey eyes, and says “I’m sorry mami, I was just trying to help.”

I picked my 34lb toddler up, and thanked him for his help. I explained what the washer and dryer was and how we never touch the washer when its going off.

Even though it was a messy clean up afterwards, I still appreciated his effort. And what is life if you can’t make you little mistakes and learn from them? But let’s just say, I know why parents have kids. Its that unconditional type of love =)

As always
A mom in love
NH 

MILF

I’ve always been kind of vain. But not in the sense that I think I’m better than everyone else, but because I actually want to take care of myself. I don’t believe that mothers, should use having a child as an excuse to not take care of themselves. Whether its personal hygeine or even appearence. Ill admit that shortly after my son was born, I did wear the baggy shirts and sweatpants on a regular basis, but once I got to work or went out, I know I TRIED to change. I’d have my lazy days and just pick my hair up and not worry about make-up. I think it’s easy to loose yourself when you have a kid, and a partner. Because your main focus is no longer yourself.

I wish I thought then what I know now. I have shared with you my struggles with my weight and my appearence thru the years and now that I am finally figuring out what makes me happy, nothing or no one is going to get in my way. Thru my process of being a single mother, and thru my adventures of dating scumbags, after douchebags, after dirtbags, I have realized that I’m the consistent one in all the matchings. I’m trying to make myself happy.

No. Having a man in my life is not going to make me happy, but getting that attention will. I walk down the street and I see a guy checking me out, that will boost up my confidence just a little. I go to the grocery store and the bagboy smiles my way, that would make me feel accomplished. Not in the sense that I’m going to sleep with them, but to boost my self confidence up, that one day, when I want it, love won’t be to hard to find.

My secret goal (not so secret since this is a public blog) is to become a MILF. The term MILF became popular when Sean Williams referred to his mother in the movies “American Pie.” MILF meaning “Mother I’d Like to Fuck.” All his friends met his mom and wanted to hang out when his mom as around because they wanted to stare at her.

I know some people find me attractive already, but its not enough for “my” MILF mission. I want to be fit and sexy, flat stomach, perky boobs, wrinkle free, 30 something year old. I mentioned in my previous blog that my 3 year old son was spoiled, so I want my son to have everything he can, of course while I’m montioring everything.

My friends never came to my house growing up and I always had to chill in their houses, and hang around their moms and their families. My mom never really trusted any of my friends growing up, let alone their parents. I want my son to have the responsible parent. I want to baby my sons friends. I want my son and his friends to be comfortable coming over to the house to play videogames and just hangout, and I want their families to trust me. Now if my sons teenage friends have a small crush on me, that’s adorable to, but I want my son to feel like he is independent, and that I trust himand the while, I keep a close eye on him, and the only way I can do that, is if I allow him the freedom he needs, in my home.

My wanting to be a MILF is not only for my own vanity, it’s for my health, so I can be healthy while chasing my son in the park, or running bases with him when he has baseball practice or taking him for swim lessons and not getting out of breath with every stroke. My MILF dreams are so my son won’t be embarassed to take me places because I wouldn’t fit thru the door or ill have to stop every 5 seconds to remember to breathe. I want my son to be proud to show me off as his mom, because I’m the cool, hot mom.

Until Next Time
MILF in training

New Beginnings

So I’m done with the 30 day challenge. I guess I failed since I didn’t complete all 30 days.

I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a long time already, and I’ve never gotten around to it.

I’m the happiest I have been in a long time, and its crazy to believe that someone like ME can feel so blessed.

When I came back from Georgia, my life changed completely around. Me and my son’s father got into a huge arguement and it changed the future for our parenting skills. I had started to date more exclusively and I registered myself for school. These are all things I never thought would happen to me.

Like I’ve said in a previous blog, me and my son’s father, always did what was best for our son, no matter how much we disliked each other and disagreed with each other, our son was always our number 1 priority. He went almost 3 months without talking to his son, which took a big hit on all 3 of us. My son had started to pee the bed again, he was losing sleep, it took me awhile to get him back to normal. It was until his father came back in the picture that the stress started to hit him again. He would go see his father and HIS family (which still consists of my niece and nephew & their mom). He started to eat less, and pee the bed again. The wonderful things about kids, is that they get into a routine pretty quickly. After awhile I got that to stop too, but still, it must be hard for your son to go through all of this because of one argument.

May 10th was the last time me or my son had heard/spoke to BD. On July 18th, me and BD met face to face to discuss the future of our son. We had both agreed that July 19th would be the first day they would meet up. That night, I was preparing my 3 year old for bed, and while I was packing his bookbag he said “Where I going mom?”
ME: you’re going to go see daddy tomorrow, how exciting!
BH: I don’t want to see daddy. I want to go to the park.
ME: How about I talk to Daddy about taking you to the park?
BH: No! I want to go with you.
ME: Ok, how about this? Me AND daddy will take you to the park.
BH: That’s not going to work
ME: Oh? And why not?
BH: My Daddy doesn’t like you.
ME: And what makes you say that.
BH: That’s why Daddy isn’t here.

That was an extreme moment for me, and I answered it as best as I could. I told him that mommy and daddy still cared about each other but not to be together anymore. I told him that mommy and daddy would always love him no matter what our life style was. This was at 2am. He was still not sleeping. The thought of going to Daddy’s house scared him, because to him, this was a stranger.

On the train ride the next morning, he fought with me. I told him we were going to see Daddy and he refused. He cried and threw a tantrum. When he saw his father waiting for him, he backed away slowly and hid behind me. He told me he wasn’t going to behave good with Daddy. He told me he wanted to see my father before he saw his own. He told me he wanted to see my boyfriend before his father. As I dropped of my sad baby boy to his father, I saw his sad eyes following me, but I had faith his dad would take care of him. I picked him up later that day, and he had a blast with them. He still preferred me, but we were both happy to spend time with his family. As the days passed by, my son doesn’t fight me anymore. He runs to see his daddy, he talks to his daddy everynight, and he prays with me for his daddy.

The thing I love about my boyfriend, is that he doesn’t get jealous of my son’s relationship with either one of his parents. As a single mom, it gets hard to find the “right guy” that you want to bring home. For me? Its not about the right guy to bring home to mom, its the right guy that will win my son’s affection. The guy that will understand, that compared to my son, he will always be second. It was a hard decision for me to know I wanted a relationship and an even harder choice to pick him.

Before I went to Georgia, I dated a lot of different ‘characters.’ Some were nice, some were assholes. There’s a lot of different breed in men. But like I stated in a previous blog as well, I wasn’t about to just fuck around with whatever had a penis. I had my son to think about. What would happen if I just fucked around, what type of person would my son think his mom is? What guy would take me seriously if I gave it all up to him without even the expecation of something serious? Yes! I was taking it old school, when people actually had values and respect for themselves. Any guy worth having me, would have to work for it.

Getting into a new relationship was by far the last thing on my mind. But it kind of just happened. Me and him went out a few times, had an amazing time with each other, we would stay up long hours into the night just talking and getting to know each other. We had known OF each other before. We met a few times before as well, and that’s how it all kind of started. We were friends on Facebook, and then we started to text, to call, and to chill. He wasn’t around for the big fiasco with me and BD, but he helped me stay sane about the who idea. We both weren’t ready for a relationship, but the relationship kind of called us. Whenever I would hang out with my friends, I would bring him around. Whenever my son was with me, they would both play. As a single mom, you always do what’s best for your child, always putting your best judgement call on that.

Before we even became offical “boyfriend/girlfriend” I asked my son how he felt about the situation. He loved my “not-boyfriend.” So I decided to take the jump and give him my all. This is something I never do. Yes! I was the type of girl, that spoke to a different guy every night. I would text random people through out the day, and go on different dates. Little by little all the other guys just vanished from my call log, and I was giving him my all. Which again, is something I never do. I let my guard down completely with this guy, and it was the most amazing thing ever.

It was not an easy decision, but its one that’s working out well. I don’t see him everyday like I want to, but like I said, that’s why I love him. He understands that he’s not my number 1 and he’s allowing me to live my life. I’m in school now, taking 14 credits this semester (again, something I wold have never done). I’m in church again full time. I lost sight of myself when I chose everything else over church. I’m 100% there for my son, which is hard, because I always had my son’s father to lean on. And I’m in touch with myself again. I think that was the hardest thing about this whole situation, that I lost sight of myself and stopped putting myself first.

My life is a complicated life. I ru on 3 to 5 hours of sleep daily but I’m trying to make that look good, cuz life is beautiful and doesn’t deserve my tears!

Stay blessed =)
NH

Day 22

“how have you changed in the past 2 years?”

How haven’t I changed? I’m cared more about myself than others, I’ve better my education, I’m trying to be a kick ass mom, I’ve regained a sense of self again….
Yeah…I’ve changed in the last 2 years

Day 21

Your favorite shows

Shit,…nowadays with as jammed packed as my life is,….there is no time for TV. When I do watch TV, its either Mickey Mouse PlayHouse or Phineas and Ferb. And I’m not going to lie, Phineas and Ferb, is the Kim Possible from my day. =)

#dontjudgeme